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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird and not return his books?

75 replies

CharlesBakerHarris · 31/08/2012 19:28

Bit of background: both in early 30s, single, no kids, live about an hour apart. We started dating at Christmas, really got on, saw each other most weekends and sometimes during the week. He has a Very Important Job which seemed to take up more and more of his time, and he started distancing himself in early April. I noticed, but didn't really acknowledge it.

Anyway, at the end of May, just before we were supposed to be going away for a weekend (and just before his birthday, when I'd already bought him presents, the rat!) he rang and said he "needed space to sort his head out". (I.e. "You're dumped, but I don't know how to tell you.") He said he'd like to stay in touch, and other similar platitudes, but basically, he dumped me. I didn't really see the point in staying in touch, so took him off facebook, Skype etc, and haven't contacted or heard from him since.

Until today, when a book and two DVDs I'd lent him arrived in the post, accompanied by a, frankly weird, letter:

Date (Who does that on a piece of paper torn from a notepad??)

Hey Charles,

Apologies for the delay (DELAY?? It's been three months!!) but I've been meaning to return the stuff I borrowed from you.

Hope this finds you well. How was your holiday? Having a good summer so far?

I feel so retro writing you a letter!

Take care,

Ex x x

AIBU to think the timing/ manner of this is weird? And to not reply/ return the books I borrowed from him? Or is that just petty?

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlesBakerHarris · 31/08/2012 19:49

OK, fair enough. I think I just assumed that I wouldn't hear from him again, so it's taken me a bit by surprise. I shall compose a note in a similar chatty style (but with no questions!) and return them. Now if only I knew where they were...

OP posts:
DeWe · 31/08/2012 19:49

Sounds like they're being as tactful as they can, and nice they thought to return the stuff.
If one person feels the relationship isn't going right, then surely it's better to end it gently. Confused. Yes, the timing might be better, butif it had been after the holiday you might have been saying "I don't understand it, we've just had a lovely holiday together..."

I personally would feel really mean if I didn't return the books I'd borrowed. And suggesting you don't put enough postage on Hmm. Really? Just because you've had a relationship that hasn't worked out, means you want to be nasty???

mamalovesmojitos · 31/08/2012 19:49

YABU he sounds polite. He left a bit of cooling-off time in between. It's fine IMO.

Original poster
CharlesBakerHarris · 31/08/2012 19:51

Although to be honest, if he had sent a text/ email to ask if I wanted them back, I would have said not to bother.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 31/08/2012 19:52

His note kind of implies that he wants to hear back from you - but then men are a mystery to me, to be frank.

AgentZigzag · 31/08/2012 19:53

The OP'd only know whether that's true if he answered to her reply, do you think LineRunner?

pigletmania · 31/08/2012 19:53

Nothing weird at all, he's just being polite. You're ad too much into it

JustFabulous · 31/08/2012 19:54

It isn't weird, I think you are being weird and petty if you don't now return his stuff, with the correct postage Hmm at those saying underpay. Why should he pay, he did nothing wrong, just decided he didn't want to see you again and tried to let you down gently.

Original poster
CharlesBakerHarris · 31/08/2012 19:54

mamalovesmojitos - Yes I thought maybe it was a cooling-off period. I mean, he didn't know that I wasn't broken hearted and crying into my cornflakes every day.

OP posts:
facejacker · 31/08/2012 19:55

Pom, the OP's hardly a thief is he hasn't explicitly asked for them back. In fact, he's made no mention of them...

GragPop · 31/08/2012 19:56

I would send him his stuff back without a note.

Original poster
CharlesBakerHarris · 31/08/2012 19:56

I've already said I'll return it. With the correct postage.

OP posts:
EllenParsons · 31/08/2012 19:56

I don't think it's weird - just polite and nice of him to actually return your stuff.

LineRunner · 31/08/2012 19:56

AgentZig, I think OP should send a postcard saying, 'Thanks for that, would you like your books back, too?' and see what happens.

But I am always wrong on matters of the heart. And the head. Grin

Cynner · 31/08/2012 19:58

I think he was being polite. He could have posted them anonymously. Does it matter at this point, or are you still invested in relationship?

thepeoplesprincess · 31/08/2012 19:58

Hell hath no overanalysis like a woman scorned Smile

He was just being polite. Draw a line. Move on.

Helltotheno · 31/08/2012 19:58

No note required OP. Why would you even bother imo, beyond 'Here's your stuff. Charles'?

Original poster
CharlesBakerHarris · 31/08/2012 20:03

I was actually going to post them back as soon as we split up, but thought that would seem petty! Gahd, the "overanalysis like a woman scorned" is spot on!

I honestly have barely thought about him for weeks - like I said earlier, it just took me by surprise. I'd ordered some stuff off the internet, so was expecting the parcel to be that.

I wouldn't mind, but the book he sent I'd actually said he could have (I'd never read it and he really enjoyed it) and the DVDs are crap ones that I'd forgotten he'd taken. He really didn't need to go to the trouble of returning them.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 31/08/2012 20:03

The postcard sounds a good idea LineR, aloof but encouraging if he's looking for encouragement Grin

I loathe that liking someone and trying to second guess whether they like you or not, even when they've made it clear they don't, there are always lots of lines that can be read between Grin

harbingerofdoom · 31/08/2012 20:07

Perhaps it was a gentle nudge for you to return his books.
I wouldn't read too much into it. It was very polite of him to put a note in your parcel,the wording was probably not thought about too deeply.

What were the books? Grin

AgentZigzag · 31/08/2012 20:08

How much did you like him Charles?

DuchessofMalfi · 31/08/2012 20:09

If it was me I'd reply to his note, thanking him for returning my stuff and ask him if he'd like his stuff back. It does sound a little like he might be regretting splitting with you and is trying to open up a conversation again. Depends how you would feel about that.

I had an ex bf who I split from quite acrimoniously years ago, but who used to send me a really chatty friendly letter tucked into a Christmas card for a few years afterwards. I was a bit Confused when I got the first one, but replied. Didn't mean anything more and we didn't get back together. I put a stop to it when I met DH :).

Olympicnmix · 31/08/2012 20:10

Hi Ex

Think the enclosed are yours, if not please dispose as you deem fit.

I am flourishing & holiday was fabulous. Hope life is treating you well too.

Regards,

Charles

Original poster
CharlesBakerHarris · 31/08/2012 20:13

I really liked him initially, but after a while (as well as him distancing himself), I found that I wasn't really myself when I was with him. I wasn't upset when we split up, just a bit miffed!

I suppose I would have expected a text/ email before a parcel. Does that make sense?

Maybe I should email him saying thanks, and ask if he'd like his books back. That would probably be the mature response. And cheaper than a postcard! (60 bloody pence for a first class stamp these days...)

OP posts:
DeWe · 31/08/2012 20:14

Sorry, I think my reply was a bit snarky. Didn't mean it to sound that way.

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