To be freaking out as I have no fucking idea how we are going to handle this?

[fuzzpig]

Sorry, posting here in a pathetic bid for more advice.

I've posted probably way too often on various about stuff that's going on. To summarise - DH got a prolapsed disc 2 years ago and as he obviously can't work I am now working FT. We have DCs 5 and 3 who will be going into yr1 and 15hrs nursery respectively. DH has been doing all the childcare as best he can (he's a brilliant SAHP, better than I ever was, but obviously in agony)

This summer I have been very unwell. Long and boring story but basically the doctor thinks I have chronic fatigue syndrome which is now in a severe episode after having it 'mildly' for over a year. I have had a month off work and just went back this week. On reduced hours/duties but still finding it very tough and cannot do anything at all outside work.

So the reason for my post today: DH finally has a date for surgery. It's in 3 weeks. We already know I can take 'dependents leave' and I will need to take 2 weeks minimum because DH will be totally incapacitated when he comes home (after a night or two in hospital). I have no clue how we are going to manage this. We have nobody around and have no money for childcare or housework help.

I could continue ranting for hours but those are the bare facts. I'm so worried (and that's before I even start thinking about whether the surgery will work!). Any ideas?!

it may be worth a call to Social Services - they may be able to help or suggest agencies to help - also what about Homestart?

Banardos might be able to help, or if not then they might know someone else who can. Have you tried asking your local health visitor or sure start centre? Often there is help available if you know where to look for it.

It might be worth asking if the school has a welfare officer person too. Ours has one, and she will come and take children to school and bring them home in emergencies - your situation sounds like the sort of thing she's there for. Ours did it for me a couple of years ago when we had all that snow as I just couldn't walk in it. We are classed as a "deprived area" though, so it might depend on where you live, but it's worth asking. I don't think they do it for younger ones in nursery as that's not compulsory, but certainly for school age children.

I know you have nobody nearby but is there anyone anywhere in the country that your youngest could go to stay with for a week or two? I agree you could try speaking to your health visitor. If you cannot care for your dcs then the other thing that comes to mind is seeing if emergency foster care can be arranged - but I expect you'd hate that thought. It would be there as a safety net there though if your illness flares too.

Not entitled to DLA :( as DH is not disabled. I guess I would be if I am officially diagnosed with CFS but having only just been referred to the specialist that's a way off yet I think.

Will ask at the school, welfare officer sounds like a good idea. We did approach the school late last term but it was all hypothetical then and they wouldn't commit to anything. They have a breakfast club for example but it's £4+ an hour. I might ask if they have any extra hours at the nursery because once I go back to work (even on reduced hours) the midday school run will be the main problem.

We actually have a family outreach worker (we were referred by a SLT ages ago because DS is speech-delayed) but haven't met her. She made an appointment but didn't show up and only texted an apology afterwards. Have tried texting (will try again now) but no reply, and have no other number for her.

any of the DCs friends parents who could do the school/nursery run for you? Even if it's on a kind of rota system for the two weeks, which will give you a bit of breathing space to decide what you need longer term? I had foot surgery a couple of years back, and it was amazing how many people offered to help.

Can you ask the school if your DC can use the breakfast club for free in the circumstances?

My DM was a school secretary for years and at her school although they don't advertise the fact, they will take children who need it for free for a limited time.

Or if you could have a reduced rate, or tick on and pay it back later in the year?

Would your DH be elgible for any help on leaving hospital? My Aunt who lives alone has just left with a broken hip and she gets someone to come out twice a day to help her, be it getting dressed, cooking, cleaning whatever she needs. I think that would have been sorted through social services - the hospital will have a point of contact for your circumstances I should think.

Are you any where near Durham? I'll come and do some cleaning for you if you are.

Have you spoken to the consultant yet to find out exactly what the surgery entails?

Reason I ask - I was in an accident; the disc prolapsed and the vertebrae either side of it cracked as well (L5/S1). I had to have a surgical repair and was put back together with a rather impressive set of nuts and bolts.

The operation took just over 4 hours. I was in hospital for 5 nights. My husband had mental health/alcohol issues and could not look after himself never mind me and our child who was 4 years old at the time. My mum looked after our child while I was in hospital.

For two weeks before my operation I made meals that I could freeze and re-heat. I re-organised the kitchen cupboards so I could reach anything I needed easily. The hospital gave me one of those long sticks with a gripper on the end so I could pick things up without bending down. Definitely speak to your hospital to see if they can offer any similar aids/gadgets.

I came home on the Friday. On the Monday I walked my child to nursery, which was a 10 min walk from our house. Gentle walking is the best exercise for recovering from spinal surgery - I'm sure the hospital will encourage your husband to walk as much as possible.

So having been through a similar experience, I would say prepare as much as possible from now until your husband has his operation. Talk to the children and explain you'll need their help. I got very creative in inventing games that involved housework - my 4 year-old thought it was great fun to be allowed to 'feed' the hungry washing machine with our dirty clothes.

Don't panic if the housework falls behind - no-one cares if you can't vacuum or dust for a couple of weeks. You could even use paper plates to get you through a few days without worrying about washing up.

Having major spinal surgery is very scarey, but I'm so glad I had it done. I was told lots of horror stories so was amazed that I could function pretty much as normal (albeit very, very slowly) just a week afterwards. I was well enough to go back to work after 6 weeks.

Good luck - I hope it goes well.

Thanks all. I have just spoken to my manager and she is going to find out more about types of leave, reduced hours etc. There are many variables so it's hard to know what to do. The first two weeks though he will have to spend at least half the time in bed and the other half moving around the house. It's decompressive surgery on L4/L5, but they may fuse the spine if necessary. He will be getting a few helpful aid things for the toilet etc. We've also had to inflate our air bed under the mattress to increase the bed height (it's horrible, I am now sleeping on the sofa when my own pain is bad).

I was actually hoping to get breakfast club fees waived (at least a bit) as you've said, it was suggested on a previous thread of mine. HT (who is actually really lovely) was not helpful on that. She just put a note in the next newsletter asking if anyone would be willing to help with school runs. Everyone has their own lives round here though, it's not a close knit community at all. The only mum I really knew (DD's best friend's) has moved. It doesn't help that I'm hopelessly shy and paranoid (am actually being assessed for Aspergers next week!).

I will ask my dad to come up for a bit as well but they are pretty busy due to selling their house (they are getting divorced), FIL lives really far away and SILs both work.

I have been wondering about supplements/vitamins etc but am unsure as I may need more tests. Unfortunately I just found out my wonderful doctor is leaving, hopefully I can find another one who actually listens.

We do the disposable cups thing already sometimes

Will definitely be making the most of that sort of thing, and try to get easy stuff like stir in sauces, ready cut veg and that kind of thing (made a bit trickier as DH is a coeliac).

Thankfully getting food is easy, we don't drive but we have prepaid delivery on Tesco so we usually get 2 deliveries a week.

Rhodiola Rosea is very good for CFS too.

Whereabouts do you live. If in my part of the north east I would be happy to help as and when I can.

Fuzz - how about HomeStart and contacting the children's centre? PM me if you want any help with the referrals etc (old hat at this!).

As a couple of people have asked, I'm in the south east, but I really appreciate the offers :)

Hello TS! Will definitely take you up on that. Although you must be very near due date now?!

37w now and like the Goodyear blimp (or at least if feels like it!).

Really if it was any other time (and not DD4 due any day) I would be over like a shot. I feel bad I'm not really able to help - if only there was a direct bus between our two areas as that would be a step in the right direction!!

School and SS great place to start. But how about contacting your local church?

Can your brothers (or your dh' sisters if that's what you meant by sil) take any time off work to help? I know I'd do that if I could help.

Ah TS please don't feel bad you have plenty on your plate as it is! :) I will PM you later about the referral stuff.

How does one go about contacting SS for stuff like this? I (we) have a lot of MH issues so I guess I'd be a bit nervy about it ()

Nobody at the hospital has mentioned anyone coming out to help him. I guess because they know he's got a DW who can take care of stuff - as obviously this was all a while ago. I feel stupid for not planning everything already, we had started (and we've done some sensible things like getting ourselves on the housing register thanks to MN suggestions!) but then stopped when I got ill too. We are just surviving day to day ATM, which isn't what we are normally like.

I'm an only child - DH has 2 sisters, one I am meeting for the first time this weekend (horrible childhood, drifted apart etc...) and the other who we have recently started seeing has just moved away. I know she does want to help but things are pretty hectic for her too, I'll ask though.