To be freaking out as I have no fucking idea how we are going to handle this?

[fuzzpig]

Sorry, posting here in a pathetic bid for more advice.

I've posted probably way too often on various about stuff that's going on. To summarise - DH got a prolapsed disc 2 years ago and as he obviously can't work I am now working FT. We have DCs 5 and 3 who will be going into yr1 and 15hrs nursery respectively. DH has been doing all the childcare as best he can (he's a brilliant SAHP, better than I ever was, but obviously in agony)

This summer I have been very unwell. Long and boring story but basically the doctor thinks I have chronic fatigue syndrome which is now in a severe episode after having it 'mildly' for over a year. I have had a month off work and just went back this week. On reduced hours/duties but still finding it very tough and cannot do anything at all outside work.

So the reason for my post today: DH finally has a date for surgery. It's in 3 weeks. We already know I can take 'dependents leave' and I will need to take 2 weeks minimum because DH will be totally incapacitated when he comes home (after a night or two in hospital). I have no clue how we are going to manage this. We have nobody around and have no money for childcare or housework help.

I could continue ranting for hours but those are the bare facts. I'm so worried (and that's before I even start thinking about whether the surgery will work!). Any ideas?!

Ask nursery if any of the staff can help you out at home. We had a similar crisis when I had a hysterectomy and Dad (who had been helping with the kids - we had a rota) was diagnosed with cancer a few days later. The nursery staff were great, granted I had to pay them but they were brilliant with the kids as they already knew them.

Oh you could try the college's nursery nurse/child care course to see if there are any students who want some experience - not ideal as the DCs wouldn't know them but they might take the edge off?

Is it legal to do that? (not a criticism, I just heard there were rules about paying people for childcare or something?)

I do still see one of DD's nursery teachers around as she lives really near. Sadly DS isn't going to that nursery as we opted for the one attached to the school instead as it is also nearer... but maybe I could pop in.

Hi OP,

If you are anywhere near me (I'm Surrey, happy to be more specific if you PM me) I would gladly help out, I work 3 days a week so home Thurs/Fri and weekends. I have recent CRB checks and children of my own.

Let me know if I'm near enough to be of any help, I would love to if I can.

Hi I know how difficult it is when you don't have support. I would be in the same situation as you. What is your arrangements for sick pay? If you can be paid can you get signed off? I got proactive and got a nanny and a mothers assistant. Between them they do about 12
Hours but they always want work. Nursery assistants can work in your home you don't need to crb check but obviously you need to trust them. I also have a homestart volunteer who can maybe help now but who will stay with you until the children are five. I did all this on the back of speaking to my health visitor. (I have twins so needed to do something as I was seriously cracking up!) maybe you need to phone the health visitor first! Social services can also help with a temporary foster carer (they might work in your home) or a support assistant. There is help there you just got to go looking for it.

I don't even know who my HV is, haven't seen her since DS was tiny - not because I've refused or anything, they just haven't been in touch. Do I just phone the doctors where they are based?

Shit I wish I had sorted all this earlier :(

Hi. I am in the SE. I am near Kingston/New Malden/SW20 if it's any help. I haven't paid to join so don't think you can PM me but if my location is good for you I am sure we can get in touch some how.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but children get discharged from HV services after their 2y check now in our town even my children with their multiple on-going and chronic health problems and me with my 'issues' don't have a HV any more (I had wondered why I wasn't getting an answerphone message after each one of DD3's A&E visits but this explains it!). You may be able to get help through the School Nurses though as DD is at school now (though it's prob more DS you need extra help with!)

Ah I was wondering if that might be the case. Bugger.

I think I need to write a list of all this. Too mentally dead to do it tonight, wasn't even up to doing the damn shopping online, grrr. Feeling sorry for myself tonight as I feel fluey yet again so I'm going to try and sleep somehow. Thankfully I'm not working tomorrow.

Get thee to bed and deal with everything in the morning. A good night's sleep always helps.

I know it's a long shot, but has DH or yourself ever been in any of the armed services, police or any union? Reason I ask is because when I had a serious accident 5 yrs ago, and was incapacitated but still had 6yr old twins to cope with, we has an enormous amount of help from the British Legion with both child care and money(my DH had been very briefly in the Navy, was invilided out following an accident just after basic training!)and also from my Union, who arranged to pay for transport to appointment, and also transport to and from the Holiday Club the Legion had booked the boys into!(accident happened 2 weeks befor the summer hols). Our church were brilliant too, not only did they provide pre-prepared meals we just had to pop in the oven/microwave, but they also gave us shopping vouchers, it turned out they had a collection for us at the end of one days services, I couldn't belive the kindness of people who, TBH, did not know us that well, as I had only been going to that church for a few weeks!

I'm South East too, Kent, if I can be of any help?

You can self refer back to the health visiting team. I'm lucky that they are a very proactive team inmy area and helped me a lot. Also a family support worker gave me help from the local sure start centre. She was the one who referred me to homestart. Start with the health visitor. Your doctors surgery will give you the number. You weill get through it!

Phone your council and ask for a social worker to come and assess you / your family.

I agree with contacting charities / unions / church. I got a week at a convalescent home (don't think they have them anymore) from union membership.

One thing, you know the dates so can plan. The idea of freezing food and making the kitchen easy to navigate is a good one.

You could contact your local FE college and ask if their childcare students need a placement. Where I've taught all the HSCand CCLD students had to do an unpaid placement, usually one day a week, but every day for a week collecting a child from school and keeping them occupied for a couple of hours would count as well.

Remmember, this is a temporary thing, your dh will be better, maybe not good as new, but better than now. It will get better.

And fill in the DLA forms - the worst that can happen is they say 'no'.

Tell your DH to demand ask to see a SW while in hospital and refuse to leave until he does.

I was a single parent for a while. I broke my ankle very badly and needed to sleep downstairs. Even shuffling upstairs on my bum was not allowed.

I had a commode. I rang SS to ask for help with the house and looking after my then 9 year old DD. They told me she could put a wash on, she could microwave a meal and she could empty my commode!!

I got admitted to hospital two weeks later and demanded asked to see the SW and told them I would not go home unless care was in place. I got an hour twice a day! That made the world of difference.

Hi fuzz pig, I am in South Essex, is this anywhere near you? I would be happy to offer help too. Life sounds really hard for you at the moment, as Mums we should support one another.
It's worth looking up Homestart too as they offer support.
Social services should offer support and are wor a call.

As loads of very lovely people are asking, I am in Crawley.

I will come back later but I have an OU tutorial today and need to talk to my tutor about getting some support. Otherwise I will have to quit. :(

How do I actually phone social services BTW? I can google the number but is it just the same one you'd phone if you were concerned about somebody else (as that is most often mentioned on MN!)? And do I just say "hello, I need some help?"

I have suggested it to DH and amazingly he is ok with it, he is really proud and "it'll be fine" usually even since all this started.

So on Monday I will try and phone home start, SS and HV/doctors, do you think there is any chance that anything will happen within three weeks?

I have had help from HS pretty quickly when I have needed it (I currently have a lovely volunteer who the DDs adore) but obv. they can't guarantee an immediate start but the quicker you start the ball rolling the quicker it can happen.

I can speak to a friend of mine who's a SW to see what she suggests is the best dept to try, if you like?

Yes please that would be really helpful TS :)

Tutorial has just been cancelled as tutor is ill. Going to change back into my jammies and then start looking at home start etc

You can phone SS any time day or night and weekends and ask for the duty social worker.

I did this on a sunday morning when faced with having to look after my demented, incontinent MIL who had just had a fall and couldn't be left alone.

I had to go to work on monday morning and there was literally no-one who could look after her.

The duty social worker was wonderful and got me some help immediately. I couldn't praise them enough.

I am in London if that is any use?

I will definitely do that. Would be good to sort it before DH goes into hospital. I will ask my dad as well, we don't have a spare room but have a sofa bed.

Why do I feel so guilty about asking for help?! I need to get over myself but it is really overwhelming ATM. I got my job last year and I love it but I am facing losing that (I would probably be redeployed as my role is quite physical and I'm not even coping with light duties) and it is pretty much the only positive thing in my life (apart from DCs who seem remarkably unscathed by all this crap).

One more question, how do I approach the school about all this? Nursery will be easy as they do routine home visits for new pupils, I will be at work then but will write a list with DH as DS also has other issues they need to know about (big speech delay and bad eczema). What about school though? Last year the teachers knew about DH as obviously they saw him on crutches but I haven't even met DD's yr1 teacher. I also don't know whether to approach the HT again.

Not managed to do anything yet.

I think I will be able to ask some local mums if they can help out with school runs. I've been psyching myself up for it. These are mums whose DCs are friends with DD, and live very near - we do chat a bit on school run but not really beyond small talk (which I am terrible at!). But I HAVE to do it don't I. I thought in the two weeks off I'd be able to do them all myself but it seems unachievable in my current state (it's under a mile each way so normally it's easy).

I think it'd be ok to ask them for help with the morning runs as in the afternoons there will be DS as well and he is a right handful. At least we will have a week or two to sort something. I just don't want to ask too much of anyone and have them feel like they have to say yes, IYSWIM? There are so many threads about cheeky entitled mums getting others to do all their childcare... I don't want anyone to see me like that.

I worked out I now have 2 months before I have to go back to full time hours. So in that sense the timing is very good.

Try phrasing it as "I'm trying to sort out a bit of a rota for help, can you do maybe a Monday morning for two weeks for me please?" adn then if anyone wants to offer more they can (I know if I was asked, I'd most likely say yes to every morning for a week, or a couple of weeks). That's not being "one of those mums" at all .

Good plan :)

I have spoken to my parents about the operation, they didn't suggest helping (TBF mum works) so I will try and broach the subject somehow!