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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand whether this friend needs to be ditched or if I should be understanding.

44 replies

BejewelledBonkers · 31/08/2012 10:47

I don't know whether this friend has a certain personality type, or if she is just a total cow and I need to stop bothering with her. I've known her 4 years, and we met through NCT group when we had our children. My second child, her first.

She is one of those people that always knows best. When our children were little and when she was pregnant she was full of lectures about what everyone should and shouldn't be doing with their babies. She gives off this air of everyone not being as good as her. She is my friend on facebook and she'll ask questions in her status, such as where can I buy a bed guard, and then when people answer, her replies will be things such as "Oh no I wouldn't shop there" and "Hmmm, I don't think the quality will be good enough from there". Or she asks things or Facebook or does a very attentions seeking status and then doesn't reply to anyone. Like she thinks she is too good and her time is too precious. And she never comments on my statuses or photos or those of the other group members.

She makes a big deal over how she does everything, and everyone in our group thinks she is brilliant and they all look up to her. They seem to think she's a benchmark as to how to parent. She also always makes out her child is best at everything, most advanced, cleverest, and if he does do anything last she makes a big deal about how it was far better for him to do it last as he took to it far quicker than those that did it younger, as he's so bright. She has a sneer on her face and is quite aloof in how she comes across. She never makes any effort to arrange any meets, whereas the rest of us do. And she doesn't often reply to texts from any of us. What I find very rude too is how she tries to put down other people. I said the last time we met up that I am keen to keep my DS a little boy for as long as possible and she started scoffing and saying her son was in a hurry to grow up and it would be impossible to do that with him.

I am thinking perhaps she is insecure and so maybe I should be understanding towards her? Or whether she is a total and utter cow and I should cut contact with her and stop inviting her to meets at my house. She does make me feel quite uncomfortable and I always feel like I can't quite be myself when she's there.

OP posts:
TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 31/08/2012 10:49

Does she have any redeeming features?

If you don't like her and she's annoying you then stop arranging to meet with her, you don't have to if you don't want to.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2012 10:49

Read your post again as though someone else has written it.

The answer will become clear.

boredandrestless · 31/08/2012 10:51

She sounds horrid. Bet you're not the only mum in the group that feels like this about her.

Life is too short to spend with people who can only feel good about themselves by bringing others down.

boredandrestless · 31/08/2012 10:52

I would start by unfriending her on Facebook, or if you can't face the fall out then hiding her news feed so you never see any of her updates.

stifnstav · 31/08/2012 10:52

She sounds exhausting. I have avoided those groups because of her sort!

BejewelledBonkers · 31/08/2012 10:53

I can't understand why they all seem to worship her though? I wonder if perhaps I'm being intolerant. Or perhaps they are doing it as they think everyone else does. She was the only one in the group that didn't invite the other children from the group to her child's birthday party, yet most of the other group members still bought her child lavish presents.

OP posts:
PineappleBed · 31/08/2012 10:55

She sounds like a cow. She might be insecure under it all or she might just think she's great but that's not an excuse to put others down. You all need to stop pandering to her.

She says - that's not where I'd shop - you say how snobby.

She puts an attention seeking status - you completely ignore it.

She puts someone or their child down - you say gosh that was rude and I don't agree at all.

Etc, etc

Ps I'm in a right strop today and have no patience for these antics.

Panzee · 31/08/2012 10:55

Some people just have a spell over others. Be glad you're not one of them. :)

CrapBag · 31/08/2012 10:56

I would ditch. She sounds horrible. I hate it when people go on about their child being the cleverest etc. Can't stand attention seeking status' unless people are actually going to tell you what the problem is. I wouldn't worry about her never commenting on others photos etc, that just seems petty on your part.

Life is too short to bother with people that you don't really like. She sounds like a friend of a friend that I know. I wouldn't want to get any closer to this person even if my friend does like her.

BejewelledBonkers · 31/08/2012 10:57

She genuinely doesn't seem bothered about anyone else. Only herself.

OP posts:
flyoverthehill · 31/08/2012 10:58

I know someone just like this, but she is soooo stuck up she wouldn't lower herself to speak to me. AND she has bugger all to be stuck up about, I now just chuckle to myself about her, its her insecurities.

CrapBag · 31/08/2012 10:59

Don't worry about what your other friends think of her. Do what you want to do. I didn't do NCT but have a few friends that did. They are only in touch with a couple from their groups due to many of them being like your 'friend'.

imonthefone · 31/08/2012 11:01

why are you her friend?

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 31/08/2012 11:02

slowly withdraw from that woman.

Caerlaverock · 31/08/2012 11:03

You sound jealous tbh

TeapotsInJune · 31/08/2012 11:06

It's insecurity sometimes. I have a friend who brings up her "gifted" bottle fed daughter when I BF DD. but she does the sort of reverse psychology thing - "Ohhhh, it's soooo hard having a gifted child!" Bloody irritating! She has a lot of 'followers' as well and I have concluded people are just not very bright and respond to an assertively stated opinion as a fact!

CatPower · 31/08/2012 11:06

She sounds like a loon. Ditch her and smile as the stress she brings melts away.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 31/08/2012 11:08

OP, she is probably an antisocial personality. Don't challenge her, you will loose.

FamiliesShareGerms · 31/08/2012 11:09

What do you actually get out if the friendship?

FamiliesShareGerms · 31/08/2012 11:10

of the friendship...

DizzyKipper · 31/08/2012 11:10

Even if it was down to insecurity I'd personally feel quite tired of always having to be so understanding and giving her the benefit of the doubt. I know this may sound callous but other people having problems doesn't mean you're obliged to put up with them, I'd drop contact.

HoratiaWinwood · 31/08/2012 11:11

I think she is not your friend. I think you don't like her very much and she behaves badly towards you.

I can't tell from your post whether she is awful or you are oversensitive or jealous or something, or a mixture. But the advice is the same: stop wasting time and mental energy on her.

We can't like everyone who just happened to conceive in the same season as us. There's no blame attached to a personality clash.

Just do things with the nice friends.

Groovee · 31/08/2012 11:17

She sounds like DH's SIL.... Hardwork and not worth the effort.

BejewelledBonkers · 31/08/2012 12:05

Lots of interesting varied replies there, it's been good to hear other viewpoints.

TeapotsinJune, the woman I know does the stealth boasting too. Saying how difficult it is when you have an advanced child, and how difficult it is when your child eats well, sleeps well etc etc etc

OP posts:
SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 31/08/2012 12:11

She doesn't sound like a friend, she sounds like a bore and a complete pain. I wouldn't see any need to meet up with her unless the rest of the group was there, to follow her on FB or to do anythign other than treat her as an unavoidable acquaintance.

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