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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave my 13 month old for 2 nights with his grandmother to go to a wedding?

44 replies

BreakfastEpiphany · 31/08/2012 10:14

One of my best friends is getting married about a 2 hour drive from where we live. The wedding is over two nights an involves staying in a hotel. My OH and I originally thought it was one night and had agreed to leave our son (who'll be 13 months) overnight at his gran's - who sees him every week and regularly babysits.
My friend then asked if we could stay 2 nights at the hotel and have a bbq the next day - no pressure but it seems lots of people are doing that.
I would just love a couple of days break, Mum is happy to mind the baby, and its a fab hotel.

Now OH is saying 'I don't want to leave the baby for two nights' so we can't stay two nights. The baby can't communicate what is wrong so what if something goes wrong and your Mum can't handle it (a nurse 40 years who raised 2 kids (!)

I just don't know where to go with this. I probably wouldnt have left him when he was a few months old but at over a year I think he would be fine. Also how is one night ok but two nights not?

OH is saying I am putting having fun with my friends ahead of him and the baby because I got so frustrated I said I would stay on and he could go back and get the baby on night two if it was such a big deal

AARRGH

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 31/08/2012 10:17

I think you need to respect your OH on this one. If you're happy with being away for two nights, fine, but he's obviously not.

ZillionChocolate · 31/08/2012 10:18

He is being unreasonable. Could you plan to stay 2 nights with provision that you'll go back after one if your mum is struggling? Could you drive home after the barbecue on the second day if needed?

PineappleBed · 31/08/2012 10:20

Yanbu you're only 2 hours away if "something" goes wrong you'd be back quickly enough.

And anyway what's this "something" going to be? Sounds like your oh is catastrophing.

Is the actual reason for the veto that he doesn't want to and actually he's using your ds as a bargaining chip?

ChocHobNob · 31/08/2012 10:21

Zillion, is he really being unreasonable? What if you reverse the genders and it was Mum wanting to return after one night because two nights were too long for her and Dad was insisting they stay away for longer?

redexpat · 31/08/2012 10:21

We went to a weding recently and booked my parents into the same B&B as us. Could your Mum come and join you for the second night? After parties are normally more relaxed and babies get passed round.

PineappleBed · 31/08/2012 10:22

Your oh can always just go one night and look after your ds on the second night. Unless you're normally out every night and your ds never sees you its not a big deal. He's over reacting

NoComet · 31/08/2012 10:23

He is being unreasonable. Assuming Mum is fit and happy to have DC and DC knows her well.

Even if DC gets really upset, they won't remember for very long.

EchoBitch · 31/08/2012 10:23

I/we left DD with her Grandma for 10 days at 13 months,they had a fab time and a wonderful bond for 24 years afterwards.
They got up in the morning to watch the birds in the garden then she was fussed by Gs pals and other relatives and was happy to come home when we got back.

solidgoldbrass · 31/08/2012 10:24

Hmm. It may be that your H is simply fretting, which isn't totally unreasonable. But it could also be that he thinks that you are the woman and therefore it's unreasonable for you to expect to have any fun or time off. How is he about his own leisure time? Also, does he like the friends you are going to be seeing?

FWIW I left my DS with my parents when he was just 1 to go on a work/social trip over 2 nights. He was fine.

GragPop · 31/08/2012 10:24

Yanbu. Maybe do a test run just for a night?

Me and dh dump ds on my mum all the time, sweet sweet freedom! Wink

PineappleBed · 31/08/2012 10:24

If the mum was wanting to not stay and the dad did I'd say the same, what difference does gender make? They can always leave of they change their minds its not like they'll be lock in the wedding venue.

pingulingo · 31/08/2012 10:27

Agree that the test run is a good idea - my worried DP was far more relaxed once we had left DS the once and we both realised that a bit of baby free time is great! And we now sign DS up for regular grandparent stays!

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 31/08/2012 10:29

I think he's over reacting. Does he not like/trust your Mum very much?

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 31/08/2012 10:32

I think he's being a bit silly, but I also think that you kind of have to respect his wishes. If you are a SAHP I think he is being a bit unfair, as having time physically away becomes a much bigger deal.

Compromise: He could go home after the first night and you could stay the extra day?

squeakytoy · 31/08/2012 10:34

He is being unreasonable, however you can always tell him if he wants to come back after one night, he is welcome to do so, and you will see him the following day.

Original poster
BreakfastEpiphany · 31/08/2012 16:20

Hi everyone
Wow what a response thank you all so much for taking the time to respond, and such considered responses.

I am a SAHP due to start freelancing in a few weeks - so yes definitely its a much-needed break. We will hopefully appoint a childminder for a few days a week in a few weeks- so DS will be used to being with someone other than me.

I have suggested a trial run - think this is going to have to happen now! DS gets on great with Mum - OH is a bit anxious/overprotective and reluctant to schedule in even time away for just the two of us.

He does get on with my group of friends and their partners but often gets negative in advance of social occasions (is more of a homebird) but then has a great time when he is there - whereas I love them and look forward to them, even when it is his friends' events I am more into it! Its something we are very aware of and do respect about each other though.

I've tried suggesting that I stay on and he leaves and he has rejected this- and is now saying we have to bring the baby with us, which is just not an option for me.

I think I will suggest that we play it by ear after a test run, ie book for two nights anyway, that seems really sensible - the wedding is only an hour away from Mum's so we could always leave if there were problems.

I will keep you posted on this - wedding is not til October this discussion just flared up this morning as we have to confirm our reservation at the hotel.

OP posts:
SusanneLinder · 31/08/2012 16:44
  • Yanbu. Maybe do a test run just for a night?

Me and dh dump ds on my mum all the time, sweet sweet freedom! *

Are you my DD? :o

I think it would be great for your son to build up a relationship with his grandmother. Mine and DH's parents both died when DD3 was young and she missed out on all the "staying over with Gran" bit. DD3 is 13 now, and is quite upset that she doesn't have a Gran, and hears about other people staying over with theirs.Just thought I'd give you other side of coin.

I have my DGS stay over a lot and have done since he was several months old, he is 20 mths old. I bloody love it, I am a young GP and gives me a chance to be a kid again.At 13 mths, your son is not a teensy baby.

I always check with my DD how SHE does things, but he loves coming here. So YANBU

LadyBeagleEyes · 31/08/2012 16:47

Could you not stay for the two nights and he could come back early?

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 31/08/2012 16:51

Agree with LBE. He goes back after one night, maybe spends time with DS and your mum or just takes DS home.

If your mum is one hour away, it really isn't long to get to her.

Otheregos · 31/08/2012 16:53

Your oh is bu, it's a great opportunity for some you time, my lo stays at my mums once a week and has since he was 8 weeks old and I have also left him for 2 nights when we went away for the weekend, my lo and mum now have a great relationship and my lo is confident and happy , so I have not harmed him in anyway...before anyone rants I've emotionally harmed him or neglected him!

mirry2 · 31/08/2012 16:58

If it's because your dh can't bear to be parted from your dc I can understand it as I wouldn't have wanted to spend one night away, let alone two. If it's really because he's not socialbel and would rather be at home I can u8nderstand that as well although I think he's being a bit unfair.

Moominsarescary · 31/08/2012 17:03

Yanbu, we recently left ds 15 months at the time with my mum for two nights to attend a wedding 4 hours away.

Ds was fine, we had a lovely time. Some people took children but I'm glad we didn't as I'm not sure he would have enjoyed it as much as he enjoyed staying with his nana. The venue wasn't very big and having such a little one running around with so many people about would have been a pita.

Those who took young toddlers all wished they'd done the same as us!

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2012 17:08

I think he needs to compromise. He can't just say that he won't do two nights away, won't go back himself after one.

solidgoldbrass · 31/08/2012 22:40

I think you need to be firm with your H, because it sounds like he is more interested in restricting your fun than your DS' wellbeing. Otherwise he would accept that he is the one to go home after a single night rather than trying to insist that you do so/that DS comes with you/that you don't go at all.

24Hours · 31/08/2012 22:50

I think your dh wants it all his own tbh, high I understand ad I like things my own way too.
He can commit, now, to only staying the one night, but it seems like he will want to stay on once the craic starts.