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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to 'unaccept' party invite to go to a wedding?

50 replies

smogwod · 30/08/2012 19:51

we accepted invite to a friend's 40th birthday party a few weeks ago only to now receive an invite to much more disorganised friends' wedding today. I know that if I were to explain to the original friend she would be very gracious and say we should go to the wedding but just how incredibly rude would it it be to even mention it to her?! They're in different parts of the country so unfortunately not possible to go to both, if only!

OP posts:
graciew · 30/08/2012 20:18

Usually I would say that you should stick with the first event you have accepted...but in this case, and because your (original) friend sounds v reasonable, I would tell her what has happened.

Have a lovely time!

Otheregos · 30/08/2012 21:11

Which one would you rather go to? Who is the closer friend? Thats what I would base my decision on... However I'm not that popular since I've had a child to be invited out at all now

quesadilla · 30/08/2012 21:16

If the original friend is understanding I would just front up about it. Wedding trumps a 40th.

JeezyPeeps · 30/08/2012 21:18

IMO, generally a wedding trumps a birthday - even a 40th - unless it's the wedding of your fourth cousin who you've met once and the birthday of your best mate.

I know it's not the done thing, but I think most people would be reasonable, considering there is a birthday every year but hopefully just one wedding in a lifetime.

Original poster
smogwod · 30/08/2012 21:29

Aww poor you, I'm sure your social life's not that bad, tho to be fair, mine's not that good either usually.

I'd rather go to the wedding, simply because it's a wedding and there'll only be the one whereas I've been to original friends wedding and 30th and would go to her 50th too I'd hope! Normally I wouldn't dream of un-accepting but am in a real dilemma here. I'm sure my friend would be understanding to my face but wouldn't want her to be secretly upset or offended...

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 30/08/2012 21:32

Does your soon-to-be-forty friend know the wedding invites went out late?

Could you apologise and say that you have double-booked yourself and have only just realised the dates clash? Not technically a lie.

rhondajean · 30/08/2012 21:39

I too would usually say you must go with the original acceptance - but a wedding is special circumstances and yes please tell the friend with the 40th so she doesn't think you've just bailed on her!

Iamsparklyknickers · 30/08/2012 21:56

Your friend sounds lovely and the type to understand your dilemma, would you arrange something else a bit special to do with her for her 40th? A nice meal or massage maybe?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 30/08/2012 22:10

People have birthdays ever year. Normally people only get married once. Maybe twice.

Which would you prefer to go to? Where will you have the better evening? Unless you are obligated to go to any event (family), personally, I would go to the one I know I would enjoy the best.

Otheregos · 30/08/2012 22:14

If you'd rather go to the wedding then that is what you should do, if your friend is as you say, I'm sure she'll understand..just make sure you buy her a BIG birthday present and I don't mean an elephant Smile

BandersnatchCummerbund · 30/08/2012 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teamumizumi · 30/08/2012 23:34

Tell the truth and go to the event where you will have more fun. Both events are a big deal but if your friend is so disorganised to send out the wedding innites so late, she will just have to live with the consequences.

Original poster
smogwod · 31/08/2012 19:20

Thank you all. Since you're not all horrified that I could even consider switching to the wedding, I shall see if we could get a daytime babysitter. If not, I guess I've been agonising for nothing!

OP posts:
makemineachardonnay · 31/08/2012 19:46

Well, I'm going to go against the grain, sorry. I think it would be incredibly rude to accept an invite to someone's 40th birthday party (so a significant age, not just a random 33rd or something!) then back out when a 'better' offer comes along.
Yes, a wedding is a once ever event (well, it's supposed to be Grin ) but so is a 40th if you're looking at it from that angle.
I wouldn't bring it up with your friend. They'd probably more than likely be incredibly pissed off.

PopcornCity · 31/08/2012 20:22

I'm going against the grain too. It would be pretty rude to back off from the 40th because you've had a better offer.

Trills · 31/08/2012 20:26

You're not unaccepting because you've got a better offer (which would be rude) a wedding is a more significant life event than a birthday.

I'm assuming that the birthday friend won't be out of pocket, and you'll make the effort to see her close to her birthday?

40 is only a significant number because we count on our fingers.

BackforGood · 31/08/2012 20:35

I agree with majority.
Normally I'm a "first on the calendar takes priority" type of person, but a weddingsis (hopefully!) a once in a lifetime,special day, against a birthday which is every year, and, as you say even 'big' birthdays are every 10 years or so, so I think I'd talk to the birthday friend, explain about your disorganised friend and ask her if she would be terribly upset if you went to the wedding, but I would also insist on taking her for lunch or afternoon tea or something to mark her birthday and apologise personally.

makemineachardonnay · 31/08/2012 20:39

Yes, big birthdays are every 10 years or so. Her friend isn't going to be 40 again though, is she?

BackforGood · 31/08/2012 20:40

No, but a wedding "trumps" a birthday party, whatever age the birthday party is for. On the night, the friend won't even notice she's missing, it's not a dinner party.

blueglue · 31/08/2012 20:44

Are you sure you are not a 2nd choice guest for the wedding. I'd prob decline the wedding invite.

hmc · 31/08/2012 20:47

Recently h paid for three course meal and wine in bistro restaurant for his 50th birthday for his guests - whilst he was happy to do this he would have felt slapped in the face to receive a cancellation due to being trumped by another social event, wedding or otherwise.

PopcornCity · 31/08/2012 20:58

These are the OP's friends, not a pack of "Top Trumps" cards!

Anyhow I think once you've accepted something as important as a 40th birthday party then you don't back out.

You could only do this politely if you received both invitations at the same time so could choose between them then, or if you'd accepted something pretty routine such as meeting for coffee, which could easily be rescheduled.

Trills · 31/08/2012 21:03

Anyone who I would consider a good friend would understand "X is so scatty but I feel I should go to the wedding since it is a WEDDING after all, sorry for messing you about"

Anyone who was not a very good friend, they wouldn't care too much if I went to their party.

I've already said that you should only cancel if there would be no trouble (e.g. not a meal booked that must have the right number of people)

BackforGood · 01/09/2012 00:03

Well, yes, it would depend a bit on the function - by 'a party' I was assuming it was a group of anywhere from 40 - 140 people milling about the house or in a hall, in which case it is a bit different from a sit down meal (which seems unlikely to be paid for in full before the funtion but that's another question).
Trills has put it well.
Of course they are friends, and no friend of mine would get huffy / stroppy if faced with someone stating the facts, as Trills suggests. As indeed, I wouldn't if someone said it to me. I would understand their desire to be at such a momentous occasion as a wedding for a family member or close friend, and would happily meet them for afternoon tea or a lunch some other day near to the occasion. Win, win, I get to talk to my friend 1:1 for a couple of hours as well as having my 40th birthday party with all the other friends I invited. Smile

Trills · 01/09/2012 13:12

If the party lasts for 4 hours or so, and there are 40 people there, the host will get on average 6 minutes talking to each person.