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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront MIL about this?

43 replies

thedizzy1 · 30/08/2012 18:27

This is my first AIBU but I think I've braced myself... I have a new dd, she's 17 weeks. My MIL is madly in love with her, and this has made a previously difficult relationship between the two of us much better . Much like my dp , dd is almost venerated, and can do no wrong.So far, so good.
We've recently agreed that MIL will look after dd one afternoon a week so that I can start back at work- MIL v happy about this, me with slight reservations. So I left dd there yesterday with dsd 11, and MIL. I'd asked dsd to check baby wasn't being left in her v lightweight stroller for too long as it doesn't support her neck etc but mainly as I dont want her left in there for too long.
Dsd tells me this morning that she'd told MIL " dizzy doesn't want babydizzy in the pushchair too long as she gets irritable". MIL then retorted "dizzy can do what she likes while she's looking after the baby" and proceeded to leave dd in her pushchair .
AIBU to think that she a)is rude and wants a row and b) that she clearly has no intention of following my instructions? I'm aware that this is a minor issue but I feel quite sure that she's signalling her intent to do what she likes when dd is with her- AIBU to be fuming??

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 30/08/2012 18:29

Leave the bastard!

LucieMay · 30/08/2012 18:30

You asked a child to check she was looking after your baby okay? What a way to undermine her and show her you don't trust her! No wonder she reacted badly! You should have just spoken to her personally before hand instead of involving your young step daughter.

GhostShip · 30/08/2012 18:31

It's not the baby it is your baby. I don't really like the saying 'your baby your rules' but shes being an arse. You have reasons for not wanting that and she should respect them. Maybe explain to her?

pjmama · 30/08/2012 18:32

I think asking your DSD to keep an eye out and report back was asking for trouble to be honest. Implies to MIL that you don't trust her, which you clearly don't.

If you want your instructions to be followed to the letter, you need to be paying for your childcare.

beautifulgirls · 30/08/2012 18:33

If you have an alternative option for childcare just take it.

Bearcrumble · 30/08/2012 18:35

Why would anyone leave a baby in a stroller in a house (unless it was asleep after returning from a walk) anyway?

missymoomoomee · 30/08/2012 18:35

You shouldn't have mentioned anything to your DSD at all and spoken to MIL yourself I would be a bit abrupt and rude if I found out an 11 year old had been told to check up on me too.

This is the exact reason I have always used a childminder or a nursery and not family.

pictish · 30/08/2012 18:36

Yes...when your mil is your employee, you may expect to dictate every little thing to the letter.
As she isn't, you can't.

picnicbasketcase · 30/08/2012 18:36

I think you went wrong by giving your DSD that instruction, rather than your MIL. If you had told her you didn't want your DD in the pushchair but she ignored you, then you'd have more reason to be cross.

Original poster
thedizzy1 · 30/08/2012 18:37

LucieMay- dsd and MIL are very close and it wasn't a check up instruction, more an observation or gentle reminder. I don't know if this makes me more of less U but MIL relies on dsd to keep her abreast of the way we make up bottles etc- not because I don't but because she's genuinely not interested in talking to me, more than a bit deaf, and enjoys working with dsd .

OP posts:
boredandrestless · 30/08/2012 18:39

Either let her do things her own way, or pay for a registered child minder/ nanny/nursery. Why is the baby in the lightweight stroller anyway if it's not really suitable? Do you have a pram that you don't want MIL using, or is it just that you've no need for a pram? Confused

I agree with the others that you shouldn't have put your young DSD in the middle here either.

Original poster
thedizzy1 · 30/08/2012 18:42

Thanks for all the replies so far.
Bearcrumble she lets dd nap in the (reclined ) stroller - which I'm trying to deter.
Also to everyone saying I should pay for my childcare- it's literally 3 hours once a week, and I'd much prefer to pay my childminder who always looked after ds and whom I trust, but MIL and dp suggested this arrangement.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 30/08/2012 18:45

So your MIL relies on an 11 to help her know how to care for your baby? What will happen when your dsd is back at school?

Also, I don't get why your DD was in a stroller inside....and if her head isn't supported sufficiently, why is she in it at all? What if they go out for a long walk? Confused

I don't think your MIL wants a row. But, like many Grandmothers, she probably thinks she knows how to care for a baby perfectly well, and doesn't need you advising her on child care, even if it is your baby.

LynetteScavo · 30/08/2012 18:46

If you confront her, what will you say?

boredandrestless · 30/08/2012 18:46

If the baby is only there for 3 hours a week then I'd relax. Smile

However, she is your DD, and if you find this arrangement isn't working out then change things and speak t your childminder about her having dd instead of your mil.

fluffyraggies · 30/08/2012 18:47

What alternative has MIL got to lie DD in OP? Could you somehow get the stroller away from her house for a while - to establish a better routine? It is only 3 hours. She doesn't need to able to take her out in that short space of time does she?

boredandrestless · 30/08/2012 18:47

17 weeks in a recliner. I still don't understand why your DD is in a recliner stroller in the first place?

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 18:50

I think this is all a bit silly tbh.
You shouldn't ask an 11 year old to pass messages about how to care for your baby.
Your Mil asking her is one thing, her passing on a 'gentle reminder' is unfair on both of them and a recipe or disaster unless she is a very small Desmond Tutu.

Speak to your mil and explain why you don't like the stroller being overused. Adult o adult.

PureMorning · 30/08/2012 18:53

Can you not give her you suitable pram for the baby.

And dont have a child spy and pass on reminders.

roundtable · 30/08/2012 18:55

Get alternative childcare. It sounds like she's objecting for whatever reason so you'll have to pay someone if you can't accept her way of doing things.

Good luck.

TidyDancer · 30/08/2012 18:55

Can you link to the stroller in question?

On the surface of things, I'm not seeing a major problem here, just a MIL who feels as though her DIL doesn't trust her. I'm not surprised she had a reaction of some kind to that tbh.

fluffyraggies · 30/08/2012 18:55

OP have you explained to MIL about the stroller yourself? Was it a 'reminder' from DD, or were you expecting the girl to do the 'telling' IYKWIM?

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 30/08/2012 18:57

I think given you would 'much prefer' to use a childminder, you should. Letting anyone look after your child (however small the amount of time) because they prefer it is a recipe for disaster IMO. I'd get out now while its still early days (maybe blame your hormones) and allow MIL to have a GP/GC relationship with your child instead of being an unpaid employee where the lines can get very blurred and fall-outs are more likely

DontmindifIdo · 30/08/2012 18:58

Pay for childcare - she can have DD for 'fun time' not work time. Review when your DD is 2 or 3.

Floggingmolly · 30/08/2012 18:59

Don't use an unsuitable stroller for your baby. Talk directly to your mil, and don't undermine her by setting an 11 year old to "watch" her. Grow up.