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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront MIL about this?

43 replies

thedizzy1 · 30/08/2012 18:27

This is my first AIBU but I think I've braced myself... I have a new dd, she's 17 weeks. My MIL is madly in love with her, and this has made a previously difficult relationship between the two of us much better . Much like my dp , dd is almost venerated, and can do no wrong.So far, so good.
We've recently agreed that MIL will look after dd one afternoon a week so that I can start back at work- MIL v happy about this, me with slight reservations. So I left dd there yesterday with dsd 11, and MIL. I'd asked dsd to check baby wasn't being left in her v lightweight stroller for too long as it doesn't support her neck etc but mainly as I dont want her left in there for too long.
Dsd tells me this morning that she'd told MIL " dizzy doesn't want babydizzy in the pushchair too long as she gets irritable". MIL then retorted "dizzy can do what she likes while she's looking after the baby" and proceeded to leave dd in her pushchair .
AIBU to think that she a)is rude and wants a row and b) that she clearly has no intention of following my instructions? I'm aware that this is a minor issue but I feel quite sure that she's signalling her intent to do what she likes when dd is with her- AIBU to be fuming??

OP posts:

Beamur · 30/08/2012 19:00

If the stroller isn't suitable for naps then either get a new stroller or don't leave the stroller there. Most babies will happily nap in a pushchair for a little while and if the baby is getting irritable, wouldn't it be more constructive to chat with your MIL and say something like, you'll know when DD needs to be got out of the stroller as she'll get cranky.
I think you either need to relax a bit and accept that MIL may do things a bit differently to you, but as long as your baby is happy and safe, it may be better to turn a blind eye - if you really can't do that, you may be better using a childminder, but that seems a shame both for your MIL and your DD.

CaliforniaLeaving · 30/08/2012 19:06

For three hours once a week I'd just drop it.
If you want the baby napping on something other than the stroller then provide something for the MIL house.
It's sounds a bit pfb.
17 weeks isn't newborn, mine had slept in all kinds by that age, slings, backpacks, car seats, reclined strollers, the couch (with me sitting next to them) with no harm done. All naps can't be lying flat in the cot, life goes on.

Original poster

thedizzy1 · 30/08/2012 19:12

Thanks everyone. The stronger is just a mothercare jobby, suitable for 3 months plus, we bought it as a spare stroller as the big pram didn't fit in the boot of the smaller car. MIL doesn't need to take dd out but it was just for emergencies. MIL now utilizes it as a place for dd to nap, which I don't mind for short periods.
I think the consensus is that I was U to involve dsd. Given that it's a bit of a weird situation I understand that. As I mentioned the issue isn't really the stroller more the attitude of MIL, dismissing my wishes.

OP posts:

Groovee · 30/08/2012 19:17

Can't you take your dd's proper pram along rather than a lightweight buggy?

skateboarder · 30/08/2012 19:19

If its your stroller, take it home. Then she cant use it. Job done.
Otoh, if mil only has dd 3 hours a week will she be asleep for the whole 3 hours?
If you think she will dismiss your other ideas, leave dd elsewhere.

susitwoshoes · 30/08/2012 19:23

sorry, I'm a bit confused with the stroller thing - what's with 'MIL doesn't need to take her out'? Er, what if she wants to? What if it's a nice day and she wants to take her DG to the park to look at the ducks? Or go to the shops? If she's going to be at your MIL's every week I would invest in a decent pushchair and either leave it with her or make sure it fits into your boot (and we have a Ka and a Bee so it certainly can be done).

exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 19:23

Yes-simple-don't leave the stroller.

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 19:23

Yes, I can understand that.
Maybe her dismissal though was not indicative that she desn't care about your wishes, but was a defensive reaction to feeling admonished via your DSD.

I am sounding pedantic but i just wonder if it was just a momentary irritation born of feeling like you don't trust her and nothing to do with snubbing your wishes.

Maybe have a chat with her. Do you usually communicate ok?

susitwoshoes · 30/08/2012 19:24

not that I'm suggesting you fork out for a Bee for your 2nd pram! Just making the point that you can get a non-umbrella pushchair into a tiny boot.

iknowwho · 30/08/2012 19:26

Get your own child care if you are not happy.
She is not going to harm the child in anyway as you have said she loves her so much.
I would have been a bit pissed if an 11 year old said that as well tbh and I think MIL's retort was reasonable in the circumstance.

So yes, you are being UR.

brdgrl · 30/08/2012 19:32

I don't agree with the 'if you want people to do it your way, hire a professional' school of thought - I think that if a friend or family member agrees to do you a favour, that doesn't mean they don't have to do it in the way you specify...If someone offered or agreed to paint my house for me, and I said wow, thanks, you're a star, I'd like it red with blue shutters" and I came home and they'd painted it green with purple shutters, I'd be furious. Assuming your MIL knows your rules and expectations, she is free to say "sorry, I can't agree to do it on those terms" and you are then free to say "ok, thanks anyway" and go elsewhere. Not OK for her to 'help' but ignore your wishes.

What I think is that your MIL probably doesn't give a shit about what you think. Her remark was not just rude, it was indicative of her attitude - that she's going to do as she pleases with your DD.

You also say your past relationship hasn't been good. That's enough for me - I'd never leave my tiny DD with someone with whom I had a difficult relationship.

I'd find another childminder, ASAP.

brdgrl · 30/08/2012 19:33

She is not going to harm the child in anyway as you have said she loves her so much.
Sorry, but well-meaning people often harm children unintentionally.

DruAnderson · 30/08/2012 19:53

You are both unreasonable. You for even involving a child at all. And her for her reaction.
However she has probably said that after realising you asked a child to keep an eye on her.
Imo you are only causing more problems. You either trust her or you don't. Other people/ children should not be keeping an eye out.

Badgerina · 31/08/2012 12:59

I think you need to confront your MIL, but you also need to apologise for asking your daughter to spy on the grandmother.

diddl · 31/08/2012 13:06

If it´s a safety issue-then you need to tell her properly that it´s not a suitable thing for your baby to nap in.

hawaiiWave · 31/08/2012 13:30

Yanbu. I can see you're in a tricky situation, clearly you'd be better off to use a childminder but changing the arrangement now will probably offend MIL. Is there any excuse you can think of to escape having to leave her with MIL?

I would be concerned that things will deteriorate in if you keep with this arrangement, its obviously winding you up, get out quick I'd say, good luck!

dazzledsazzle · 31/08/2012 13:50

Can you not schlep a moses basket (if she still fits it) or pram over there with her instead? If you want your instructions followed to the letter go the chilminder route if thats a possible affordable option. MIL childcare is just fraught w issues if you aren't best buddies.

KD0706 · 31/08/2012 13:58

I understand you being a bit cross and worried whether this us a sign of things to come.

I think that three hours in an umbrella stroller at four months isn't that big a deal so I personally would let that go. But if it matters to you then speak to mil.

I agree with other posters that the reaction may have been provoked by dsd telling mil what to do and that you should speak to her yourself in future.

I think you should keep an eye on things in case other wishes are ignored - thinking specifically weaning here - with a view to moving to childminder if you feel necessary.

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