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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cry because my toddler doesn't want me :(

38 replies

JeuxDEnfants · 30/08/2012 17:16

We are on holiday at the moment and my 3 yr old keeps saying he only wants daddy and doesn't want mummy. Keeps telling me to go away. I know this is probably par for the course but it hurts... Not looking forward to the day he inevitably tells me he hates me. I guess it's because I'm the main carer and the one who mainly disciplines him. How should I handle it? After going away and sobbing into my tea :(

OP posts:
firstpost · 30/08/2012 17:28

You are not alone, I could have written your post. My one year old is currently having a Daddy phase, I have gone from being the only one he wants when he is tired or hurt or upset to being completely rejected by him and it hurts Sad

No real advice, it is of course a phase and he is young enough that he will have no idea it ever happened. He needs you and loves you, just hang in there and one day it will be different.

I am assured by friends that this is normal and just shows he has a really strong bond with you both, it is often the primary carer that gets rejected this way. Bloody hard though not to internalise it and make it feel like you have failed. Big smile and carry on.

MrsCF · 30/08/2012 17:30

Ah, I know it's horrible when they don't want you, but toddlers are fickle, in a few days it will be all about you again. I would make the most of it and enjoy the restWink

DoMeDon · 30/08/2012 17:31

Aww - YANBU really - it hits you in the heart.

It's a phase on repeat and some Wine

WilsonFrickett · 30/08/2012 17:31

Och, if you're the main carer it's because Daddy is more of a novelty and potential buyer of sweets. Don't let it get to you, it is of course a phase and a testament to the great relationship he has with you both. He's secure enough in you that he can go to DH, and secure enough in DH to know that he'll be welcomed.

((hugs)) all the same though!

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 30/08/2012 17:32

As MrsCF said, toddlers are very fickle indeed and in a couple of weeks you may find its all reversed.

WilsonFrickett · 30/08/2012 17:34

Oh and as to how you handle it - you retire to the lounger / your bed / other place of comfort and read your book in peace of course!

missymoomoomee · 30/08/2012 17:37

My lot go through phases of this, and someone told me its actually a good thing, it just means they are confident that you will love them and be there for them even if they are a bit mean to you.

SilveryMoon · 30/08/2012 17:40
Sad My 5yo tells me he hates me. He says he wants to go and live somewhere else and I can't go because he doesn't like me. It hurts, but I know he doesn't really mean it (although I'm sure he thinks he does at the time) Tbh, I'd enjoy it! If your dd wants her daddy, let her have him and you have some peace. It'll soon change.
monkeyfacegrace · 30/08/2012 17:48

Cant understand why this upsets people.

My DS adores his dad, I dont even get a glance when he is around.

Great. I will bugger off, to bed, to the bath, to my sunlounger, and have some peace then. Ta ra, boys, enjoy yourselves!

You know full well that if he/she was frightened/scared etc, and daddy wasnt around, they would want you.

Pah, toddlers. Whatever.

Original poster
JeuxDEnfants · 30/08/2012 17:49

Thanks for your responses. Feel much better. I was making the most of it for the first couple of days but then I guess it started to get to me. I know it's because he knows he can't play me up but he kind of manages with DH. Although DH is being very supportive and explaining that it upsets mummy to tell her to go away. Ds has said sorry and given me a hug :). Never heard about it meaning they are secure but that has cheered me up. Going to stop fretting and grow a thicker skin... I'm sure I'll need it :)

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/08/2012 17:50

Toddlers are fickle! Think about some of the other things that your toddler says that are clearly just toddler speak and realise he doesn't know the impact his words can have.

Handle it in a matter of fact was as much as you possibly can. As in 'Daddy can't do this right now as Daddy is at work/wherever Daddy is, so you will just have to put up with me making your drink/or whatever'

Do your very best to not let him see that it upsets you. And try to remember that for a toddler to say things like that then they must be very secure in their attachment to the person that they are saying it to. Even a 3yo wouldn't say something like that if they though there was a chance that you really would go away, so you need to see the positive side in that your 3yo has a lot of faith that you will always be there to look after him. That can only be a good thing, no matter how much it feels like a knife through your heart!

Original poster
JeuxDEnfants · 30/08/2012 17:50

:) @ monkey.

"Pah, toddlers. Whatever."

My new mantra ;)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/08/2012 17:50

ignore,don't react
carry on regardless
it's a phase, a tiresome phase

Original poster
JeuxDEnfants · 30/08/2012 17:58

Good advice on ignoring it and not showing it upsets me... Otherwise knowing him, he will do it whenever he doesn't get his own way ;).

You're right scottishmummy, it is tiresome.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 30/08/2012 18:00

mine have had numerous phases and phrases
that drive me crazy
I've learned the I'm not listening face

mummyonvalium · 30/08/2012 18:00

He wants your H more because he sees him less and it is known as the novelty value. Once you get back home and DH is back at work it will change.

I know because I have been there - all you can do is ignore it and enjoy the break it gives you.

Original poster
JeuxDEnfants · 30/08/2012 18:01

You what keeps coming back to me... My parents used to say... Wait till you have children... Then you'll know hard it is... :). I think I'm learning...

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 30/08/2012 18:03

It isn't a competition and it is entirely meaningless. Be pleased that he feels secure enough to be able to say it.Just say 'tough- you are stuck with me!' and ignore.

JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 30/08/2012 18:06

Three is the age when many children start to assert their independence - but they aren't called threenagers for nothing. Like a teen (caught between adulthood and childhood), they are caught between babyhood and childhood. They are starting to feel a sense of power and self-hood - getting a kick out of seeing how you react to what they say. It's really important you don't show your emotional reaction to this - he's trying to keep his own emotions together - he needs you to be the adult. He's secure saying this because he knows you won't reject him, but don't make him feel insecure by over-reacting. He's still a baby somewhere inside.

Of course he doesn't mean it - and I know it hurts (DS1 was like this)

holyfishnets · 30/08/2012 18:08

Hes probably saying it for effect. The best answer is ''well, I love you'' and change the subject completely. Also try not to be too needy or emotional about it. Instead aim to have fun and be silly - this will be very attractive to him! You can still discipline and be fun.

Original poster
JeuxDEnfants · 30/08/2012 18:09

By the way, I love te fact that he has a great bond with his dad... Preferring his dad doesn't bother me... It's the "not mummy", "mummery leave", " daddy bath me, NOT mummy", "mummy go over there, daddy and I stay here" blah blah blah. I'm repeating my newly acquired mantra...

OP posts:
JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 30/08/2012 18:10

Read the book Playful Parenting. I think it's really good for this age - entering into their world a bit, and being fun and playful as a way of avoiding confrontations about little things - which can grind you down and resent them.

catsrus · 30/08/2012 18:11

my SIL got very upset when her 7ry old dd said she wanted to go live with grandma, whereas I thought it was a perfectly normal thing to wish for - I certainly would have wanted to live with my grandma at that age the nice grandma who fed me nice food, not the bonkers one who talked about hell

As has been said - it means he's secure in his attachment to you and feels safe enough to say it and know you won't reject him. Enjoy the peace Grin.

Original poster
JeuxDEnfants · 30/08/2012 18:12

Agree, I think it's the threenager thing. I am usually pretty good at keeping happy and calm. Thing is he's been playing up as daddy has been letting him get away with a little too much exerting his control... And I've been tryin to counter it... We need to be more balanced. DH is trying, he's just not used to daily ds...

OP posts:
JamieandOscarSittinginATree · 30/08/2012 18:12

Also - he may want time alone with daddy and how on earth can a 3 year old express that? Many adults would struggle to say it without offending, so it's not surprising it comes out all hurtful

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