Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I know, I KNOW its nothing to do with me, but I still want to ask!!! Should I or just bite my tongue?

37 replies

CrapBag · 30/08/2012 16:51

My brother is getting married next year. I am over the moon and sooooo excited for the wedding.

Before they got engaged, his DP said she had already decided that when they got married DD was going to be bridesmaid. They had discussed getting married before he proposed.

Fast forward to wedding plans (previous conversation was last year) and DD isn't going to be bridesmaid. Ok, I know the bride picks her bridesmaids and that is fine but when she specifically told me she would be, I am wondering why not now. I did just let it go as she has 2 of her friends and her little cousin. Now she has told me that she has my brothers cousins DD (not my cousin, we are technically half brother and sister although we never think like that) as her bridesmaid as well as the others. I must admit, I am a bit miffed about it.

Before, she did tell me that she would like DD to have a dress matching the wedding party (costing £50) that I would be paying for. I found a nice one online and sent her a link asking what she thought of it. She just deleted it and didn't reply to my message.

I have always got on well with my brother and his DF. They come over and visit when they can, the DF invited me out to the meal for her birthday recently. We are all going for a meal this weekend. I just don't understand, it seems like a snub to me. It wouldn't be quite so bad if she even explained why she had changed her mind. I guess I am more miffed now that my brothers cousin once removed is bridesmaid but not his neice.

WWYD?

OP posts:

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 30/08/2012 17:06

I would ask out right, i would just have to, but Im pretty thick skined. And if she is not a bridsmaid I would not be paying for matching wedding party dresses or running a choice past the bride.

How old is your dd is that she is maybe very young and they have now thought/realised that older bridesmaids may be more sensible?

DoingTheBestICan · 30/08/2012 17:11

This sounds familiar,have you posted about this before op? I would just ask her and I certainly would not be buying a dress in the colour scheme,I would buy one of my own choice.

squoosh · 30/08/2012 17:15

It was thoughtless of her to say that and not keep to it. Little girls get so excited about that sort of thing.

I would ask but in a non confrontational, non miffed way. She may have forgotten last year's conversation. This may be a lesson to her to think before making promises. Hopefully she'll be suitably moritified.

And as for you paying for a matching dress? Nope.

plantsitter · 30/08/2012 17:19

Did you tell DD? If so, I would definitely be asking!

DeWe · 30/08/2012 18:39

How do you know the message was deleted, not just lost in spam/cyberspace?

Also how did she say that dd would be bridesmaid? It depends a lot if she said "we'd definitely like her to be bm" without prompting or "we'll think about her being bm" as you discussed weddings. It maybe that she intended to imply the latter, and you heard the former.

What age are the girls? If they're all of an age and your dd is younger/older she may think it will look funny-or maybe she's got lots of other relatives your dd's age that she'll need to ask if she asks your dd. Maybe she envisioned waiting longer to get married and your dd is (in her mind) not old enough now, but when she said it she expected her to be.

I'd approach your db and ask him where you stand. Along the lines of "I'm not sure if I've got confused, but last year sil said she would like to ask dd to be bm if you got married. She hasn't asked her as such, but has requested she has a dress matching the wedding party. So could you ask her if dd is bm or not, because if she is bm I'd like to talk to her in advance about what she needs to do."

Original poster

CrapBag · 30/08/2012 21:53

Not posted this before, I did find a very similar thread though after I had done this one but ages of children were different.

I don't think she has forgotten, when I ask about the wedding and the bridesmaid subject comes up, she says who shes having followed by extensive reasons why. I think she knows full well what she said before. The look on her face indicates that.

I haven't told DD, she will be 2 and a half when they get married so not old enough for me to tell her anything.

She did say it outright. Her words were "I have already decided that when me and DBro get married that I want X (my DD) to be my bridesmaid, she will look so cute" I definitely didn't get the wrong end of the stick.

She also doesn't have a big family. She has nothing to do with one half and the other half is very small so no issue of lots of little ones to have to choose from. The only child is the cousin that she is having. The other bridesmaids are her 2 grown up friends and now she has added my brothers cousins DD, I think she will be 6.

I know the message wasn't lost. It was on FB and I looked on her page after I done the link to make sure it worked properly. It was definitely there. She also deleted a message recently that I sent to her on there. We were suppose to be going to the cinema after the meal this weekend and she put that her and DBro were seeing the film last week. I commented that I thought we were going to see it with them and she just deleted my comment.

I would ask my brother but I can never see him without her, they are joined together! One always comes with the other.

I won't be paying for a matching dress. She told me of one that matched the dresses and then told me it was £50. At the time (we were both pissed) I nodded along and said ok but I won't be doing it. I am not paying that much money for a dress when she isn't even part of the weding party.

Any thoughts on how I could diplomatically bring this up? I am not known for my diplomacy.

OP posts:

Llareggub · 30/08/2012 21:57

Honestly, your DD won't care. She's too young to be a bridesmaid. Clearly your SiL has a raging case of the bridallas. Just say nothing, that's my advice.

Clockless · 30/08/2012 22:02

I wouldn't link a dress pic onto someone's Facebook profile. I would send it in a private message. It is not a public conversation that you are having about the bridesmaid/ dress issue, so I'm not surprised she deleted it. However I am not impressed that she has not got the decency to acknowledge that she had said your dd would be a bm, and has now changed her mind. Don't know about tact me, I would just ask her directly. Also I wouldn't Take it very personally. Some people have real difficulty pleasing their families in weddings. Especially if her family is small, hers might be the only likely wedding in her generation.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 30/08/2012 22:06

actually from what you have now posted i would just let it go as water under the bridge TBH. I think your dd is too young to be bridesmaid and sil to be has either just realised that it would be quite difficult and stressfull having a very young bridesmaid now amongst other wedding plans and is just not saying. Or she is marrying sooner than she intended and intialy her ideas of wedding planning would be few years down the road when dd was older. I suspect she just does not want to offend you now and that is why it is going unmentioned.

WRT to facebook posts and messages maybe she has deleted as she would rather not get into communicating via facebook. If someone had mentioned a cinema trip and then whent anyway at another time, Im not sure I would be questiong them on facebook and if someone did similar to me on facebook I would be a bit . I think as they are a couple and marrying there is little scope for seeing each other without her arround. I rearly see any of my siblings without thier partners, I really dont see that as an issue.

Original poster

CrapBag · 30/08/2012 22:06

I get what you are saying about linking it publically. It wasn't even a bridesmaids dress though, just a nice dress with a bit of the colour in that they are having in the wedding and I wanted to know whether she thought it was nice. I thought it was pretty rude to delete it and not send a private message as to why. I thought it may be because she didn't want my brother to see anything that may be 'weddingy' but after last week when she deleted my comment, I'm not sure. He isn't allowed to see the cake either as apparently the style of the icing is incorporating the style of her dress (which we have all seen, she had a photo of her wearing it in the shop on her phone and showed us at my sisters engagement party). I thought no one saw the dress until they walk down the isle.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrapBag · 30/08/2012 22:10

It wasn't so much as questioning her on facebook.

Basically me and DH go to a pub sometimes that do a lovely carvery. We were telling DBro and his DF about it and they said they had never been. We said we would have to take them sometime (neither of them drive and it isn't easy to get to).

Then we arranged to do this, all fine and I said there was a film out that me and DH wanted to see and I knew it was my DBros sense of humour so I asked if they wanted to go after the meal. Yes they did and it was all planned.

Then I saw her comment about how they were going to see it the following day so I commented because AFAIK we were all suppose to be seeing it together this weekend. Instead of replying, she just deleted it. We do communicate by FB. It isn't just these 2 instances. She normally responds with no problems.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrapBag · 30/08/2012 22:11

I do get that DD may be a bit young though. I just would have liked an explanation instead of blatantly ignoring it.

OP posts:

Nyancat · 30/08/2012 22:12

I might be totally off but could it be the age of dd that has made her change her mind, maybe she's thinking that so young it might be a lot for her to properly be part of the bridal party, walking down aisle, travelling, hanging around for photos. She's maybe thinking that she'd be a sort of flower girl, dressed similarly to the rest but not having to do anything official which might be too much for a 2 yr old. I only say because I had wanted my niece to be bridesmaid for my wedding but her mum was the one who suggested that she just dress in a pretty dress. She still looked very sweet on the day and we got some lovely photos but she didn't have to cope with a walk down the aisle, everyone staring and hanging around.

Clockless · 30/08/2012 22:13

Crap bag...it sounds like You need some reassurance about your relationship with your future SIL. Why don't you invite her to check out nails or something girly. And just remove this anxiety by saying hey, I totally understand that dd is going to be too young to be a bm, it's not a problem, can I join you in getting excited over one little detail about the wedding ? Or if the whole wedding thing is too much, then find some other excuse to spend some time with her and develop your relationship with her.

Shelby2010 · 30/08/2012 22:16

I agree with Troll that your dd is too young for any formal bridesmaid duties. It would be too stressful for you & for the bride! My 2 nephews were a similar age when I got married & they wore waistcoats that matched the bridal party but had no role except to be in any photos that they decided to stand still for. I suspect your SIL would like a similar scenario, so your dd wears a matching dress & looks cute & involved but no one has to negotiate getting her down the aisle or persuading her to stand in any photos that she doesn't want to.

Try not to take it personally at least dd has been invited, unlike some of the wedding threads that MN abounds with!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 30/08/2012 22:17

Get a grip. Not a big deal.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/08/2012 22:18

I'm a bit confused about what the actual problem is.

Your future sil said she was going to have your dd as bridesmaid way before she started planning the wedding, but when she started planning she changed her mind and spoke you to about it, explained the situation and suggested that your dd could still wear a matching dress. But you don't want her to wear the dress. Is that it?

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 30/08/2012 22:22

I dont think OP said it was a big deal Alliwant however there are some obviouse underlaying tentions that she is worried about. I can understand that totally OP. I think clocks suggestion is a good one. Try and just put this behind you and attempt to build a relationship, however dont set your self up either for it to be a oneway effort. Put yourself out there as a support for sil to be, if she is not interested then base your relationship simply around that of friendly and polite and enjoy family gatherings together but nothing else. I have a similar relationship with one of my sil, but im not that close to my brother, where as my sis has a very close relationship with both of them, I must admit to being a bit jel at times of this. But I now just see it for what it is and ensure we can enjoy each othersd company when we are all together.

thepeoplesprincess · 30/08/2012 22:25

Actually, it does sound like an insidious snub.

How old is your bro's cousin's little girl?

Original poster

CrapBag · 30/08/2012 22:37

Outraged she hasn't spoken to me about it, thats why I was wondering. She specifically said that she would have DD as a bridesmaid, now the wedding is coming up, she has asked 4 others and hasn't even mentioned her previous conversation to me. That is why I am a bit miffed. I totally get that DD is young and it would be a pita to get her to co-operate as a bridesmaid, I have no issue with that. My issue is her saying she would have her, then telling me about the bridemaids she is having and not explaining anything.

Alliwant no need to be so rude. Either say something constructive or don't bother.

TheEnthusiasticTroll yes I am trying to build a relationship with her, hence the cinema trip with them both that now isn't happening. We do get on well, and I have offered to take her out to the wedding reception venue later this year as she doesn't drive and it is really out of her way but I told DBro this so I may have to tell her directly. He isn't great at communicating sometimes, typical bloke.

When I offered to get DD a dress to match the colours of the bridal party, I wasn't expecting it to be £50. They know we don't have a lot of money and it is a bit much to pay for something that will fit for 5 minutes. Plus I will need to get DS a suit to wear as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrapBag · 30/08/2012 22:38

thepeoplesprincess I was wondering if it was a snub. To me it seemed like it thats why I wanted people's opinions on here.

Dbros cousins DD will be 6 I think.

OP posts:

BelRowley · 31/08/2012 03:29

Perhaps when she was saying your DD could be a bridesmaid age thought that DBro wouldn't propose for a few years and DD would be older. I think you really have dodged a bullet though. Much less stress for you if she isn't a bridesmaid.

I don't know why she's deleting your posts though. Weddings do funny things to people.

monsterchild · 31/08/2012 04:06

Wedding do do funny things to people, and she may be rethinking the whole thing. I know that when Dh and I were planning our wedding I changed my mind about a million times. For the life of me I could not figure out how to get all the nieces and nephews into the ceremony. I had told my Dbro that would have his kids in, but it didn't work out for any but one.

I can't tell you what to do, but a 6 yo would be a lot less trouble in a wedding than a 2 yo. And it's a political nightmare for the couple, because you know someone is going to be offended.

TobyLerone · 31/08/2012 04:17

So you offered to get dd a dress matching the colours of the bridal party? Did she ask you first? If not, it makes you sound a bit pushy and mad, tbh.

sashh · 31/08/2012 07:11

Maybe she was imagining your dd as a 5 or 6 year old? She is probably embarassed that she said one thing but is doing another. Maybe say something like, "it's such a shame dd is too young to understand what a wedding is, when she gets older I hope she gets to be a bridesmaid"

You mentioned that the bride picks the bridesmaids, well she does, but a lot of other people tell her who she can and cannot have, who she sould have, sulk if their favorite dn, dgd, dsecond cousin twice removed who lives in australia and has never met the bride isn't made a bridesmaid.

Flip

1 2