Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be miffed that MIL did this?

71 replies

user12785 · 30/08/2012 14:25

at the weekend, but I'm still annoyed and want to share! Several weeks ago it was dd's birthday. We don't live near the grandparents, so MIL asked to have a family party last weekend for her. Nice idea, even if it did seem a bit too long after her birthday. Nice, too, that I didn't have to do anything, for a change. However... MIL did the cake, candles, happy birthday singing etc when I was in the loo! I came out and dh told me I'd missed it. I asked why, and she just said "Oh, weren't you here?" There were only 10 people, surely you'd notice? I just let it go because dd looked a bit upset. But I'm still cross. Hrrrrumph.

OP posts:

FakePlasticLobsters · 02/09/2012 20:41

Actually writing that reminded me, in my teens I did a food hygiene course where they suggested that the time it takes to properly wash your hands is at least as long as it takes you to sing Happy Birthday all the way through twice.

Then they made us practice, one by one, washing our hands and singing so they could advice us on our washing technique.

So if the OP washed her hands properly she was already at a time disadvantage as far as the singing goes.

A37 · 02/09/2012 20:49

wouldnt you have realised it was approaching cake/singing time? if they were all just finishing birthday tea......

you must have been ages to miss the whole thing...

A37 · 02/09/2012 20:50

oh just read fakes posts-see, the singing of the song takes bloody ages in our house, there are many verses, and it must be sung a number of times in different accents/styles. Also we relight candles for the carrying in/ blowing out palava around 3 or 4 times....

FakePlasticLobsters · 02/09/2012 20:57

Do you? I'm interested now. What started all that off? It's like the 'weird things your family do that nobody else understands' thread. What other verses and why carry the cake in more than once?

A37 · 02/09/2012 21:04

DD1 started the fiasco off Although the last 2 verses has been handed down through generations

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to yo-ou
Happy Birthday to you

how old are you now?
how old are you now?
how old are you noooooOOooooOOOOw?
how old are you now?

I am 7 ye-ears old
I am 7 ye-ears old
I am 7 ye-eaeaeaea-EARs old
I am 7 ye-ars old

Squashed tomatos and stew
I went to the zoo
I saw a big gorilla
and it looked just like you

Happy Birthday to you
Squashed tomatoes and stew
Bread and butter in the gutter
happy birthday to you

would love to have more to add on, if anyone has any...?

dd likes carrying the cake in so will relight candles and bring in, so everyone 'has a turn' and can make a wish...very thoughtful is dd1!

wigglesrock · 02/09/2012 21:07

We also do several blow out of candles - the cake is just lovely after all the cousins/siblings etc have had a go

FakePlasticLobsters · 02/09/2012 21:10

You would have to be in the toilet for a very long time to miss all that, you are right.

As you can see from my first post though, in our house people are a bit too keen to get to the cake to do any of that even just the once.

madonnawhore · 02/09/2012 21:20

You could argue the cake thing either way but I was when i read that she shut you outside with all the bags?

Why didn't your H say anything? Where the fuck did they think you were? I don't understand how your H could park the car with you sat next to him and get in the house and not notice you weren't right behind him.

Really shitty IMO.

perplexedpirate · 02/09/2012 22:24

My mil once organised a birthday party for DS and didn't invite me.

Aren't they just great!

PlopButNOPudding · 03/09/2012 00:48

YANBU.

Sounds like classic, passive-aggressive MIL behaviour to me.

Or she may just be lacking a few manners and social skills if it really was an 'oversight'.

flow4 · 03/09/2012 01:06

A37, we do:
Happy birthday to you
Squashed tomatoes and stew
You look like a monkey
And you smell like one toooooo!

Softlysoftly · 03/09/2012 02:57

I'm a bit at the cries of "classic MIL behaviour" and the like. Do people seriously think all MILs are out to get you? Can someone not make an honest mistake or two without full on investigation into their behaviour.

You realise the majority of you will one day be that poor mother in law having her every move dissected?

VisionaryGoat · 03/09/2012 04:43

YANBU to be peeved.

A party of 10 really isn't a big enough gathering that it would be difficult to have a quick check to make sure everyone was assembled and ready for cake.

Mmmm cake. MNHQ we need a cake icon, surely that is as important as wine, caffeine and doobies? Ahem

Was there no mention of "we'll be doing the cake soon," or anything OP? Because if there wasn't then how could you have possibly known that it was an inopportune time to nip off for a wee? Your DH is completely daft to suggest you shouldn't have gone unless you knew cake was imminent.

Did you make anyone aware that you were going to the loo? I never announce my bathroom visits to the world at large unlike Hecate apparently, but I do excuse myself to the person I am sitting/standing/talking most closely with. I can't really imagine you just ninja'd silently out of the room and nobody noticed you go.

It doesn't sound entirely MILs fault to me though. She might have been so focused on getting the candles lit (and keeping the bastards lit) and carrying the cake in without dropping it that she didn't even notice the lack of you. Perhaps it would have been nice if your (presumably less occupied) DH had pointed out that you weren't there though. I presume he is able to see and take notice of these things as much as MIL? waits for OP to say DH has a white stick

MIL would not be able to make these little oversights (be they accidental or deliberate) if your DH didn't enable her by not piping up on your behalf.

The door shutting incident is the same. Although MIL was the one who actually shut the door on you, it would have been very easy for DH to say: "hang on mum, my wife would like to come in too." Or just re-open the door himself. (Or does he have the memory span of a goldfish and had forgotten his wife was with him?)

So in short, I'd be cross with both of them, and would eat much cake to feel better.

pickofthepops · 03/09/2012 05:18

Bloody MIL's. Mistake her for the piñata next year and give her a few hefty jabs with the stick.

gimmecakeandcandy · 03/09/2012 06:06

Op - yanbu at all if your mil has form for this. Your dh needs to grow some bloody balls too and stand up to that kind of behaviour - I am aghast she closed the door on you

Lonleylou - you are talking rubbish, read all the op's post and you should see your error. Well, one would hope so.

Original poster

user12785 · 03/09/2012 08:18

(had slunk away quietly when the focus moved to how long I was in the loo...) I would like to report that I am no longer miffed, but now SIL is now miffed that I was miffed at the time...

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 03/09/2012 08:28

What a load of nonsense 'classic MIL behavior' etc. MILs aren't a club or a profession, they're just people who happen to be female, with adult male offspring. That will be most of us then, one day.

OP, get over it. And next time your DH leaves you locked outside in the cold having forgotten your existence in the 13 seconds it takes to walk up a garden path, have a word. With him.

imonthefone · 03/09/2012 08:32

Morris MIL's can also have adult female offspring

pictish · 03/09/2012 10:11

OP, get over it. And next time your DH leaves you locked outside in the cold having forgotten your existence in the 13 seconds it takes to walk up a garden path, have a word. With him.

Err yeah....pretty much that.

MorrisZapp · 03/09/2012 10:21

Oh aye, MILs can have offspring of every shade and persuasion. But it's the mothers of boys (and gay women I guess) who have DILs.

And who else but a DIL would refer to 'classic MIL behaviour' etc and read slights into their MILs every word and action.

Men just laugh when their inlaws get arsey or annoying - in my experience, anyway. It'll be a chilly day in hell when my own DP describes anybody's behavior as 'passive aggressive' :)

PlopButNOPudding · 03/09/2012 23:52

How long it took you to have a wee is irrelevant op!!

I do agree with other posters that your dh does need to man-up and back you in these kind of circumstances too. But just because he didn't, doesn't excuse her actions.

The problem with these little incidences is that they do seem a bit petty when you get annoyed or call MIL on them. They can be easily excused as 'honest mistakes' etc and you are branded unreasonable, difficult or just over-reacting. But lots of little incidences build up and become one large problem- death by paper cuts if you like.

If she does something that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy then you need to deal with it immediately (in a 'nice' way if course) and do not feel bad - ignore other people like sil, doesn't matter what she thinks. It's got nothing to do with her.

For example if this should occur again, you could say "oh, i missed candles- let's do them again, I would like to join in too" With a smile on your face obviously.
So if it really was an 'honest mistake' - no-one has been accused of anything and the situation is rectified.

If she was being 'classic MIL' and trying to stamp her ground she'll get the message (in a 'nice' way) that you won't be excluded from your own family celebrations.

Flip

1 2 3