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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be miffed that MIL did this?

71 replies

user12785 · 30/08/2012 14:25

at the weekend, but I'm still annoyed and want to share! Several weeks ago it was dd's birthday. We don't live near the grandparents, so MIL asked to have a family party last weekend for her. Nice idea, even if it did seem a bit too long after her birthday. Nice, too, that I didn't have to do anything, for a change. However... MIL did the cake, candles, happy birthday singing etc when I was in the loo! I came out and dh told me I'd missed it. I asked why, and she just said "Oh, weren't you here?" There were only 10 people, surely you'd notice? I just let it go because dd looked a bit upset. But I'm still cross. Hrrrrumph.

OP posts:

lovebunny · 02/09/2012 16:17

the answer to this problem is never to leave the room when your mother in law is about.

it was her party. she wanted all the glory. there are a lot of mil like that, if mn can be believed.

let it go. the longer you fret about it, the more she wins.

LonelyLou · 02/09/2012 17:12

Lonelylou, are you a MIL by any chance?!

I don't see the relivance of your question Eglantyne. A jelous tantrum is a jelous tantrum.

As other posters have said it was some time after your dd's birthday anyway and why didn't your husband halt the proceedings if it was that important to you? Why not direct your anger towards your husband?

cheesesarnie · 02/09/2012 17:16

agree- your dh should have told her to wait.

mind you, sounds like he got his attitude from his mother.

Tortington · 02/09/2012 17:22

my in laws are twats too

this was thoughtless at best and if deliberate - really shitty at worst

your dh is also a twat.

now, my in laws shat on me at xmas - i haven't spoken to BIL or SIL since, I entertain MIL and FIL briefly for coffee as they live 300 miles away.

as far as i'm conerned they can get fucked.

the blame you have to take, is in allowing people to treat you this way.

I am a classic shithouse IRL, however i did face up my inlaws at christmas.

I also told DH he was a prize twat. He agreed.

You need to tell your DH what i told mine - I come first - not your mum, or your dad or your brother. ME sort that out in your head or fucking do one.

LonelyLou · 02/09/2012 17:25

CKMR I have to say you sound charming! I bet your in-laws are missing you a lot

dolallylass · 02/09/2012 17:27

I've had 2 MILs and have seen various weird/possessive behaviour. Since this is such an epidemic how do WE all stop ourselves when we are an army of MILs? We're they normal when their kids (boys) were younger? Can they help it?

Tortington · 02/09/2012 17:28

fuck off lonley - you don't even know the story

Yama · 02/09/2012 17:32

Definitely your dh's fault. He should have said 'hang on a minute'. Or if he genuinely didn't know you weren't there he sure as heck shouldn't have responded the way he did when he found out.

charlottehere · 02/09/2012 17:33

You should have insisted it was done again.

pictish · 02/09/2012 17:34

What a fuss over nothing. Yabu.

MamaBear17 · 02/09/2012 17:38

YANBU!!! I would be mad at MIL for doing it, but furious at DH for letting her. Grrrrrrrr!

LonelyLou · 02/09/2012 17:40

CKMR see what I mean? Your comments don't hurt me as I think you are lacking self awareness but please spell my name right if you are going to attempt it.

Tortington · 02/09/2012 17:56

I am as self aware as you are mean spirited. pedantry is the first sign of a lost argument

LonelyLou · 02/09/2012 18:05

Thank you for not trying to spell my name in that last comment

Now...back to the original poster's problem...

nokidshere · 02/09/2012 18:08

YABU - I am reading from the OP that this was not DD's birthday but a 2nd party later on after her birthday? Surely you already did all the cake and candles stuff for her at home on her actual birthday?

Tortington · 02/09/2012 18:28

its the implicit meaness of the MILs actions rather than the actual event surely?

Yama · 02/09/2012 18:40

Being left out is hurtful no matter what someone's age.

Madeyemoodysmum · 02/09/2012 20:06

Thank god for mumsnet!!! So many lessons in how not to be a horrible mil! All being stored in my head.

If your mil has form. I'd say this is a total passive aggressive act!
Yanbu!!!

squeakytoy · 02/09/2012 20:09

"MIL did the cake, candles, happy birthday singing etc when I was in the loo! I came out and dh told me I'd missed it."

OP, if you only went for a "quick wee", how could you possibly have missed it all?

Is it a very big house?

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2012 20:12

Jeez your Christmas experience was bloody awful Custy - I remind myself of it when desperately trying to maintain perspective around my difficult ILs...

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2012 20:15

And to Eglantyne - sounds like your MIL sees you as incubator for DD / appendage to DH and therefore not worth much attention. The leaving you locked outside was an obvious clue!

HappyCamel · 02/09/2012 20:16

As far as I can tell MIL is taking the rap for your DH. He should know you aren't in the room and delay things just as he should have let you get left on the doorstep.

wigglesrock · 02/09/2012 20:26

But you already had a party for her, in your original post you actually say that you thought it seemed a bit too far away from her birthday anyway. Fair enough if you don't get on with her but I really don't see what the issue is with this particular incident. I'm sorry if I've missed it but how old is your daughter?

bruschetta · 02/09/2012 20:31

I would be miffed too. At both MIL and DH.
It seems as though your MIL has some jealousy / female rivalry issues (very common in this relationship as we see both in life and through posts on MN) and your DH was quite thoughtless in saying you shouldn't have left the room. However, if you otherwise get on with MIL and if DH is normally lovely then it's probably a good idea just to let it go. Let her have her (possibly sneakily manipulated) moment and forget his biological inability to defend you over his mother. Your daughter will always be YOUR daughter and your husband has made his life with you. For the sake of your sanilty and all your relationships I would try to see the lighter side of this.

FakePlasticLobsters · 02/09/2012 20:33

How long does it take to light a couple of candles and sing happy birthday though? Less than a half a minute to sing the song, maybe a minute to light the candles and carry in the cake, few seconds to blow them out after the singing.

Getting to and using the toilet, washing hands etc afterwards, more than likely takes longer. The OP doesn't have to have taken a long time but why does it matter if she did? If she'd fancied a long sit down with the daily papers it still wouldn't have been difficult to check if she was in the room or not before the cake was brought in. Focusing on what she was doing in the toilet and how long it took her is a bit of a red herring.

My PILs cut my DS's first birthday cake and ate some while we were out of the room. They had to remove a big '1' candle and a ribbon from it first. We'd been talking to them about bringing it into the living room and singing to DS in there rather than bringing him into the kitchen to sing, so they knew we were planning to light the candle and sing. They seemed surprised to find that we hadn't expected them to eat some of the cake before we did that part.

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