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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still be upset by this?

42 replies

iknowitspathetic · 30/08/2012 12:22

I know this is probably a bit pathetic, but for some reason it has really got to me, and I don't seem able to get past it.

In February, I had a baby boy. I left work in December to go on mat leave. Until then, I had thought I got on OK with my workmates - a team of about 20. I began to wonder however when I tried to organise some sort of leaving lunch and no one seemed interested.

When my son was born, not one person from my office contacted me apart from the office secretary, who I texted with the news and told her to pass it on. Not even a text or an email, not even from the boss. I didn't even receive a card let alone a gift. It's not the actual gift or card that would have mattered, it's the gesture. Can I add that it was a team who always buys cards and presents for people on big birthdays, weddings, babies etc. They have even bought gifts for temporary staff who have only been there on a short contract.

I know this sounds ridiculous but when I realised that they were obviously not going to do anything to congratulate me I got probably over the top upset about it. It was so hurtful to realise that although I had helped co-ordinate gifts for other members of the team and spent a couple of lunchtimes buying things, they did not even think me and my baby were worth a card or text. I can actually feel myself getting tearful thinking about it, it has got to me so much.

I know they didn't send something for it to get lost in the post as I am in touch with a couple of them on FB and they would have asked if I got it.

Now, I've decided not to go back to work. I handed in my notice a couple of months ago. Again, not even a card to say goodbye.

I guess I have to accept I was obviously very unpopular. I always tried to be nice to people and never had any run ins with anyone. I accept I am not everyone's cup of tea as I do talk a lot and probably got right up some people's noses. I just find it so difficult to take that I was so disliked no one even thought me worthy of a text or email or anything, both when my baby was born and when I left. I would never let that happen to anyone I work with.

God I am crying now, this is pathetic. I just don't seem to be able to get over it. I see on fb that they have leaving nights and gifts for other people and I just ask myself why are they worth a fuss and I am worth nothing?

Please don't flame me as I feel really upset about this, am I over reacting? I have even considered emailing the team to tell them how the crappy way they treated me has made me feel, just to get some kind of closure.

OP posts:
ellathefox · 30/08/2012 12:25

Are you sure they didn't send anything because you are usually the person who organises gifts etc?

KenLeeeeeee · 30/08/2012 12:26

That's really sad and I feel for you. Don't email them though, you'll just come across as whiney then and you'll feel worse for it.

I've always been a firm believer that people who can't be bothered to make an effort for you, aren't worth the effort of getting upset over.

If it helps, I didn't get so much as a "good luck" from my work colleagues when I got married, or any acknowledgement of me leaving, and despite being in touch with everyone since on FB, haven't heard so much as a congratulations when my son was born in May. Meh. Bugger 'em.

dontcallmehon · 30/08/2012 12:26

No, they sound thoughtless and crap :( I think you are best out of there.

Emailing might help, but consider how you'll feel if they don't respond in the way you'd like. It's likely they'll be defensive, as no one wants to admit that they've treated someone else badly. How would you feel if you didn't get a response at all?

Maybe write your feelings down, but don't give them the satisfaction of actually sending the email.

LemarchandsBox · 30/08/2012 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
iknowitspathetic · 30/08/2012 12:26

No Ella, we all kind of took it in turns to do it. They still do gifts for people now that I'm gone, I see it on FB.Thanks though!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 30/08/2012 12:26

Yanbu but its really odd. Are you sure there's nothing going on such as threatened redundancies which is leading to a bad atmosphere and no priority on this sort of thing? Although that's still bad. Anyone likely to be spreading rumours or slagging u off?

ViviPru · 30/08/2012 12:27

You're overreacting a bit, but it's understandable.

If you think it would help to contact them for closure, I'd advise waiting until you're in a more calm frame of mind, then emailing to explain that you felt hurt and why, and ask if there's something about your demeanour which contributed to this snub. Explain that you would genuinely like to know so that you might avoid alienating yourself in a similar way in the future. Try and use measured, objective language and don't get too emotional or subjective.

Original poster
iknowitspathetic · 30/08/2012 12:28

Thanks all. That helps to know there are others who have crap workmates. I would love to send them a cake like that!

The worst thing is it is a Christian organisation and they all liked to think of themselves as people who were kind to others and went on about all the voluntary work they did!

OP posts:
Original poster
iknowitspathetic · 30/08/2012 12:29

I did wonder Stealth if there was something like that, if they thought I had done something awful which I hadn't or some big misunderstanding - I guess I'll never know now.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/08/2012 12:29

Sorry you're feeling that way Sad

FWIW, some people don't see maternity leave as anything to make a fuss over as they assume you'll be back.

Maybe when the secretary passed on the news, they all smiled and said 'Aww that's nice to hear'?

I really wouldn't let it upset you because as much as their behaviour is thoughtless, these people are not your friends....they're just people who happened to work in the same place as you.

I wouldn't email them because I doubt that would actually give you the closure you're looking for.

I think you should put it behind you, move on and concentrate only on your real friends and family.

Congratulations on the baby Thanks

Justme23 · 30/08/2012 12:29

You admitted you probably weren't well liked. Just chalk it up to experience and move on. They aren't thinking of you do don't think of them.

If you aren't everyone's cup of tea then find a cafe where you are. Or if it bothers you as much as you say it does, tone it down and try not to be so loud.

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 12:29

You are not over reacting but you are misunderstanding a bit I think.

I worked in offices for years. I ad work colleagues at my wedding and we used to go out together after work often. But when staff left they just kind of dropped off the radar.
I used to feel awful that I didn't contact work mates when they went n maternity leave. I would intend to but it was kind of an 'out of sight, out of mind' thing.
I think it was at least in part because we never saw each other at our homes or anywhere outside the work or after work environment.

When I had my dc they did send me flowers. I think your office were really rubbish not to do that. Definitely rubbish.

But I think resigning and weeping is a reaction to your interpreting this as dislike of you. I am sure they like you. They are just a bit shit.

squeakytoy · 30/08/2012 12:30

I suspect that when you left, with it being Christmas, everyone was really busy with seasonal stuff, xmas parties, shopping etc, and it got overlooked. You left, they got on with work, and sadly, you were forgotten about. It doesnt mean you were disliked, it just means they are all a bit self centred by the sounds of it.

If you are not friends with any of them outside of work, ditch them off facebook, and move on. It isnt worth the heartache of getting upset over.

throckenholt · 30/08/2012 12:30

The worst thing is it is a Christian organisation and they all liked to think of themselves as people who were kind to others and went on about all the voluntary work they did!

At the risk of getting flamed - I think this isn't untypical. Almost as if, as long as they preach good morals, they don't have to actually have them !

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 30/08/2012 12:31

How nasty. I feel for you. I think that you need to adopt my motto: "Fuck 'em"!
If they can't be bothered then they aren't worth your tears.

IHeartGoldMedals · 30/08/2012 12:31

They sound horrid. Delete them from
FB and be thankful you don't have to see them again.

dontcallmehon · 30/08/2012 12:35

I don't think OP needs to change who she is to please others. If you're loud, you're loud. As long as you listen to others as well, there's nothing wrong with that.

I'm quiet - it's just the way I am. Spent years wondering why I didn't have many friends and trying to change myself. Now I realise that although I'll never have a huge circle of friends, the ones I do have are fab. And do you know what, we all get up people's noses at some point or other! That's life!

Original poster
iknowitspathetic · 30/08/2012 12:37

Thanks everyone, and thanks for the congrats Worra. I think it probably is a bad idea to email, though if any of them every contact me again, I will maybe take the opportunity then to say how bad they made me feel.

OP posts:
KellyElly · 30/08/2012 12:38

Don't email them, rise above it and don't give them another thought. Congratulations on your baby :)

ImNotInsaneMyMotherHadMeTested · 30/08/2012 12:46

"I am sure they like you. They are just a bit shit."

I think Pag has it in one.

One of the women in our dept went on maternity leave a few months ago. There was a collection done for her, however the mgr in charge of it was male (and a bit shit on the organisational side) and it is STILL in his desk waiting for him to pick up a voucher.

She's been in for a visit with the baby and one of the others who is in touch with her has let her know that there is a gift-in-process - but if she hadn't visited she would be thinking the same as you.

(I remember when I was on maternity leave I got a bit paranoid about people I hadn't seen for ages, assumed they would forget me etc)

Perhaps if you are going to be near your work one day ring them the day before and ask if it suits to pop in with the baby to say hello? You never know they could surprise you!

tartyflette · 30/08/2012 12:46

They sound like unpleasant, uncaring people, to say the least. Cards are the norm in these sorts of situations (and a small gift for the baby is often usual too) The fact that they can't be arsed (which is probably all it is) says more about them than you. I hope you find a nicer bunch in your next job.

BrianAndHisBalls · 30/08/2012 12:48

Congratulations on your baby Smile

At my work I recently realised its nothing to do with being liked or not. There are usually collections for things but 1 lady seemed to arrange them all. When she left it all fell apart a bit. A very well liked and highly regarded lady went on maternity and the team organised nothing! It was only when I said 'ermm she's leaving next week' that it was done.

So try not to think this is anything about you, I think its more likely to just be them being crap. Chin up and try not to let it get to you Thanks

Original poster
iknowitspathetic · 30/08/2012 12:48

I did go in with the baby unfortunately, back in April, they all held him and were pleasant enough, but that was it!

OP posts:
vezzie · 30/08/2012 12:52

Congratulations on your baby.
YANBU to be upset, but don't worry, they are just disorganised.
I think you are taking this very hard because it feels not just a slight against you (which hurts of course) but against your precious little baby. I went on my first mat leave when my office was in a complete state of disarray (acquisition, redundancy, pay cuts) and I was pretty much almost forgotten. I was very sad about this because in my hormonal state I managed to blow this into a thing where I was socially handicapped to the extent that my child would always be ignored and unloved because of it. Please don't worry about this, it reflects on them, not you. And your baby is precious and loved and very very very important to all the people who matter.

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 12:52

They all held him and were pleasant.

What else do you want? What do you want them to do now?

I am not being snarky - what would you want them to do?
I am not trying o put you in the wrong. I am just not sure that they are evil or dislike you. I think they are just crap when someone is not in front of them.

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