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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still be upset by this?

42 replies

iknowitspathetic · 30/08/2012 12:22

I know this is probably a bit pathetic, but for some reason it has really got to me, and I don't seem able to get past it.

In February, I had a baby boy. I left work in December to go on mat leave. Until then, I had thought I got on OK with my workmates - a team of about 20. I began to wonder however when I tried to organise some sort of leaving lunch and no one seemed interested.

When my son was born, not one person from my office contacted me apart from the office secretary, who I texted with the news and told her to pass it on. Not even a text or an email, not even from the boss. I didn't even receive a card let alone a gift. It's not the actual gift or card that would have mattered, it's the gesture. Can I add that it was a team who always buys cards and presents for people on big birthdays, weddings, babies etc. They have even bought gifts for temporary staff who have only been there on a short contract.

I know this sounds ridiculous but when I realised that they were obviously not going to do anything to congratulate me I got probably over the top upset about it. It was so hurtful to realise that although I had helped co-ordinate gifts for other members of the team and spent a couple of lunchtimes buying things, they did not even think me and my baby were worth a card or text. I can actually feel myself getting tearful thinking about it, it has got to me so much.

I know they didn't send something for it to get lost in the post as I am in touch with a couple of them on FB and they would have asked if I got it.

Now, I've decided not to go back to work. I handed in my notice a couple of months ago. Again, not even a card to say goodbye.

I guess I have to accept I was obviously very unpopular. I always tried to be nice to people and never had any run ins with anyone. I accept I am not everyone's cup of tea as I do talk a lot and probably got right up some people's noses. I just find it so difficult to take that I was so disliked no one even thought me worthy of a text or email or anything, both when my baby was born and when I left. I would never let that happen to anyone I work with.

God I am crying now, this is pathetic. I just don't seem to be able to get over it. I see on fb that they have leaving nights and gifts for other people and I just ask myself why are they worth a fuss and I am worth nothing?

Please don't flame me as I feel really upset about this, am I over reacting? I have even considered emailing the team to tell them how the crappy way they treated me has made me feel, just to get some kind of closure.

OP posts:

emsyj · 30/08/2012 12:54

YANBU. Find a nicer job in a nicer workplace and don't look back.

Pandemoniaa · 30/08/2012 13:00

The worst thing is it is a Christian organisation and they all liked to think of themselves as people who were kind to others

Yes. I wish this surprised me. But it doesn't.

However, I think it is really important that you don't jump to conclusions about your popularity, let alone worry that their crapness at congratulating you is other than that. Crapness - and quite possibly disorganisation or other things getting in the way.

One of the things I've learnt about work and work colleagues over the years is that things move on very quickly when you leave. No matter how popular you are and it can come as a bit of a shock to realise just how quickly this happens. I was part of a public sector reorganisation and a whole load of us transferred to a new council. One of my colleagues got terribly upset when he realised that, after the first few weeks, we'd all become part of the history of our old department and it wasn't that we left on bad terms, just that we were out of their loop, so to speak.

I know it is hard but don't dwell on this. Enjoy the exciting new chapter of your life and please, delete these people on FB rather than read things that upset you.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 30/08/2012 13:00

Don't take it personally - they probably do like you well enough but when you are no longer around people forget about you a bit. Not out of dislike, just out of sight, out of mind.

I have lost touch with several people over the last couple of years, any of whom I would be happy to catch up with but when neither of you bother, things kind of fizzle out - especially when you are understandably wrapped up in your new baby. I still have some longstanding friends because we both make the effort to keep in touch.

I have one classic example though - not work related. A woman I was 'best' friends with for 10 years, saw less of each other in the last 3 yrs or so before I got married. When 1st baby was born, I let her know, she came to see us in hospital, lovely. I texted her a few times after we came home but she never replied so I stopped texting and left things.

When my baby was 9mo she texted to say - Hi how are things, I have been really busy blah blah. I ignored.

Sometimes people are just crap, don't judge your own self worth by it.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 30/08/2012 13:01

Do you think maybe the secretary never passed on the message? Or only very informally to one or two people? If so people might only have heard about it very third-hand and after the event, in which case they would be less likely to think of organising anything or might have assumed it had already been communicated and something done but they had missed it.

It does sound improbable that nobody would have thought to do anything. Why not casually ask someone you know there how and when they heard about the baby? You could even mention that you were surprised/upset not to get any response.

As for handing in your notice, again I wouldn't be surprised if this was communicated/handled only as an admin thing and therefore lots of people didn't get the message or (again) thought they had missed out on some more personal message.

Not saying it's your fault at all (they have been a bit pathetic!), but if you had done something like a group email to everyone I am sure you would have got more response, at the very least some replies to the email and congratulations/goodbyes even if nobody got their backsides in gear to arrange a card. Unfortunately there's always that thing too of "everybody thinks somebody else will do it".

WilsonFrickett · 30/08/2012 13:06

Yes, they were rude and thoughtless. As someone said upthread, it probably had a lot to do with going off at Christmas. And then when you resigned, well, you weren't there were you? So it probably felt like a non-event.

However, they aren't evil, just thoughtless and you need to stop dwelling on it I'm afraid (says the woman who cried for a week cos she though she wasn't invited to the work Christmas do while on mat leave). Don't email!

BigRedIndiaRubberBall · 30/08/2012 13:09

They sound like a right bunch of miserable fuckers. Sod 'em.

I'm sure it's nothing to do with being disliked - in well organised offices even unpopular people get leaving collections. More likely they just didn't see maternity leave as a collection-worthy occasion? (And this might also account for, and in turn be perpetuated by the lack of a leaving lunch?)

Maternity leave is an odd time. I was never particularly one of the team at work, and was convinced that everyone had forgotten me / was dreading my return, which as it turned out couldn't have been further from the truth.

Chalk it up to experience, and move on. Perhaps unsubscribe from your ex-colleagues' Facebook statuses for a while too so you're not constantly reminded of it? And enjoy the rest of your maternity leave

monkeymamma · 30/08/2012 14:25

Is there anyone in particular you were close (er) to, or could talk to in confidence? Maybe go for a quiet drink 1 on 1 and say something very gentle/neutral like you were surprised not to hear from anyone when your DS was born, and just see where the conversation goes. It would have to be someone you trust though, as it might look very whiney if ever passed on for general discussion.

It is most likely to be an oversight (did the company secretary definitely pass on the message, and if so do you know how she did so? Eg did she just mention it to a few people? An email might have been better as you'd know that it had been forwarded company wide etc) but I don't blame you at all for feeling upset. It is shitty of them not to do anything to welcome your DC, or say goodbye and acknowledge you as a colleague.

Congratulations on your DC, and hope you have a wonderful time not working there in the future (doesn't sound like it was a great place to be)! Once you can make your peace with this and move on you will be much happier.

eatyouwithaspoon · 30/08/2012 15:28

We do cards for everyones birthday but on my 40th I didnt get one. It did smart a bit however I know it was because that some people were off sick and other are well just a bit crap about stuff like that. I am over it as it really doesnt' matter but was hurt at the time.
Things have changed again and we have the whole team back now and no one gets forgotton anymore I remind them
Congratulations on your DC focus on that and move on without a backwards glance.

TheMonster · 30/08/2012 15:38

Unfriendly them on fb and forget about them.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 30/08/2012 15:42

Normally people visit when on ML - they take the baby in - I suppose you could mention to your FB colleagues taht you will be taking the baby in on X date?

have they shown any interest on FB? commented on photos and updates?

quietlysuggests · 30/08/2012 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WoodlandHills · 30/08/2012 15:51

Its not pathetic to be upset over it

They are an ignorant and nasty bunch of people :(

Vaginald · 30/08/2012 16:01

This happened to me when I left on mat leave with dc2- I too handed in my notice rather than go back!!! I came to the conclusion that they were a bunch of knobs. It's not your issue- they are rude people who don't deserve your tears.

WilsonFrickett · 30/08/2012 17:22

Vaginald did you really leave a job just because you didn't get a baby present?

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson · 30/08/2012 17:35

Awwww OP I really feel for you. Big hugs.

So sorry they have treated you this way, no wonder you are upset.

somewherewest · 30/08/2012 18:26

At the risk of getting flamed - I think this isn't untypical. Almost as if, as long as they preach good morals, they don't have to actually have them !

It is a truth universally acknowledged by the intellectually lazy that if a Christian does A Bad Thing it is because they are a Christian, whereas if an agnostic/atheist/Muslim/worshipper-of-Thhhlyutthur-Star-Toad-With-A-Million-Young does A Bad Thing it is because they just...you know....happen to be a bit of a knob.

Journey · 30/08/2012 18:59

No wonder you're upset. They should of sent you a card and a present.

I agree with the comments that your work colleagues aren't your friends, and to defriend your old work colleagues from facebook. It is time to move on.

One of the things that struck me as a little odd is why you couldn't have asked one of these friends on facebook what had happened to your present or card in a general chit chat sort of way. Perhaps now the reality has come to light you always knew deep down that the team wasn't particularly nice.

Out of a team of 20 not all of them will have not liked you. It is unfortunate that not one of the ones that did like you didn't instigate getting you a present or card, but there is no way all 20 of them wouldn't have liked you. Try and take some comfort in that.

I hope the next job you go to has decent work colleagues.

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