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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my parents to put me first for one weekend?

37 replies

freemanbatch · 29/08/2012 18:17

ok I know I'm a grown woman and my parents can do what they want really.

I live a long way away from them and was supposed to be going to visit for the weekend. It's less than a month since I split form my abusive ex and I have no one, no friends or family around where I currently live to talk to or who could take the kids for a bit so I can have some rest so I'm doing it all myself. my brother and sister live only a few miles away from my parents and are at my parents almost every day and mum still picks up sisters kids from school everyday so they see them a lot. When I told my family about the split, my brother text ex to tell him what a nice guy he was and how he'd like to keep in touch and catch up now and then while I got a simple oh dear what a shock and I haven't heard anything from him since. My sister took the opportunity to tell me how hard her split from her husband was and how horribly un-supportive I had been because I said that if the only way her kids could attend a party on daddy's weekend was for him to come then he could. I did pay her bills and visit her house and look after her kids when I was down at my parents so I don't think I did too badly for being 100 miles away.

This weekend was supposed to be just me and the kids and my mum and dad, a bit of a chance for me to relax having other people around to do things, be able to talk to other adults when I wanted to and maybe to discuss a few things that had gone on with the ex.

This morning I asked about a few things I thought we were doing and was informed that my brother was staying for the weekend and sister was coming to visit for the day on Sunday.

I know that it's my mum and dad's house and they can do what they want really but AIBU to want one weekend with my parents right now where I don't have to put up with my siblings and all their nastiness?

OP posts:

SundaeGirl · 29/08/2012 18:18

YABU and how!

Get over yourself.

TandB · 29/08/2012 18:20

I don't think YABU, given your circumstances and the history between you and your siblings.

But do your parents know about the things they have said to you?

gothicangel · 29/08/2012 18:21

YANBU,

Nothing wrong with wanting your parents to act like they care

hugs op, x

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2012 18:21

You haven't mentioned your sibling's 'nastiness'....can you give an example?

Nanny0gg · 29/08/2012 18:23

YANBU. Do your parents know all the circumstances?

And SundaeGirl, did you read the OP?

TandB · 29/08/2012 18:23

Worra - when she left an abusive relationship her sister had a go at her for being unsupportive during her own marriage breakdown, despite her paying her sister's bills and looking after her kids.

That's pretty unpleasant!

MrsKeithRichards · 29/08/2012 18:23

Sundae stop being a dick. The op has obviously been through a lot. Sure you might think she's being a bit precious but there's nicer ways of putting it. Stop being a cunt just for the sake of it.

Op it sounds like they are maybe underestimating the impact the last few months have had on you.

Jacksmania · 29/08/2012 18:24

It sounds like you're exhausted and hanging on by a thread. So I don't think YABU in wanting to be your parents' priority. And YANBU to feel like your siblings see your parents all the time whereas you live far away and don't see them much. It sounds to me like you really need a break and were hoping you'd get one and now it doesn't sound like it. YANBU to be disappointed.
And sometimes sibling relationships are difficult. You think you treat them well, and then in times of trouble find out that they have some resentment, whether justified or not. I'd find that a bit shocking and hurtful.

On the other hand - did you really spell out to your parents that you were hoping to have them all to yourself this weekend, and how very much you need help and a break? Unfortunately, even people we love to bits can't read our minds. So they might not realize that's what you wanted and needed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2012 18:25

If my DB had texted my non-abusive just a bit of a git ex-H to keep in touch after my divorce I would have been pretty annoyed. YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2012 18:26

Yes it's unpleasant but it's not nasty if that's how she felt about it.

Also, I don't think her brother was particularly nasty either, since there are two sides to every relationship.

It sounds to me as though the OP's parents don't particularly see anything nasty going on either...and therefore just want all the family together.

AnyoneforTurps · 29/08/2012 18:26

YANBU to be upset but I expect your DP think they are being kind by gathering the family around you. Parents often have a completely starry-eyed view of the relationships between their adult children.

Jacksmania · 29/08/2012 18:28

I think she's using the term "nasty" because that's how she feels about it. Even though the sibs' behaviour might not fit the exact definition of "nasty".

Original poster

freemanbatch · 29/08/2012 18:28

they are well aware of the things my siblings have done in the last couple of weeks which is why I don't really understand why this is happening.

worraliberty - my sister sent me texts telling me I deserved all that ex had done to me for not being nicer to her when her husband left, I really did do all I could from the distance I am away or at least I thought I had and brother is still of the opinion that it is all my fault and ex is a lovely guy even though he knows everything that happened.

I was prepared to be told I was being unreasonable so if people think I am then please tell me so my judgement is pretty shot right now.

OP posts:

Jacksmania · 29/08/2012 18:29

Parents often have a completely starry-eyed view of the relationships between their adult children.

Yup. Exactly!

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2012 18:31

Well given your second post, YANBU.

I do keep in touch with lots of family and friends after they have divorced though.

Mostly they both claim the other was abusive so I tend to keep out of it and just remain friends...unless I know one of them was violent or something.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 29/08/2012 18:32

SundaeGirl - Eh?

OP I can understand how you feel. Your family sound horribly unsupportive.

maybenow · 29/08/2012 18:32

i thought you were going to say your parents had cancelled - i'm glad they've not and it's just that your siblings will be around, they probably don't see this as a problem, in fact it should be nice to have more family around but obviously you don't think they'll be very nice to have around.
your parents probably want nothing more than the three of you to get along, i can see how that's going to be difficult but if i were you i'd go try to keep an open mind, don't take any rubbish from your siblings but don't rule out that you might be able to clear the air and get on. good luck.

Chandon · 29/08/2012 18:39

Sorry, that sounds sad.

Am staying at my parents right now for some restful holiday days with the kids, I hope. My brother then came too. I just thought that was nixe. Did nt feel he was taking attention away from me.

Maybe now is not the time, but you and your siblings really need to sort things out, try to work it out and talk. All these grudges are just so sad...

Yabu imo, butbthen I cannot imagine hating my sibs. So I guess yanbu, really, but can you work it out at all?

Original poster

freemanbatch · 29/08/2012 18:40

I would never expect my siblings not to be in touch with ex if they want to I suppose I thought they would at least be even handed about it rather than telling him how lovely he was while I got a rather blank acknowledgement of the information.

I am at the point of almost exhausted so it is having an effect on my reactions to things and my judgement on what's reasonable I know that but I'm not sure my current condition is the best one to try and build bridges in but I am going to go and I am going to do my best to get out of it what I need and maybe make some progress with siblings although I fear it might be slightly too soon for that

OP posts:

SundaeGirl · 29/08/2012 23:03

It's their house and they are having their children round. They may think that is productive and helpful and they may be wrong. Why on earth would that make them bad parents.

But really, did you tell them not to? Did you clarify beforehand that your siblings weren't to be included or did you think that your parents would obviously see that their other children had behaved badly and should be excluded? (My experience is that parents don't see their DCs like that)

Sorry, OP, you are obviously feeling fragile. I hope you can get your peaceful supportive weekend without having to make your parents acknowledge bad behaviour in their other children.

Original poster

freemanbatch · 29/08/2012 23:52

my parents know all about my siblings behaviour sundaegirl my dad is regularly embarrassed by them and what they get away with.

They knew what I needed from them and it wasn't excluding my siblings it was spending time with me which they rarely do.

I have made a very important decision since I asked the question earlier and that is that you can rely on no one in life but yourself so I'm better off not ever asking for anything, that way people can't think I'm unreasonable for making one request in ten years or let me down when you really need it.

need no one it is safer that way.

IWBU to ask my parents for support and I know it. I won't make the mistake of doing it again.

OP posts:

aamia · 30/08/2012 00:04

Do you still want to go? I'm not sure I would. Depends how exhausting your children are I guess, and how much you'd be able to hibernate in your bedroom when there and just sleep!

Original poster

freemanbatch · 30/08/2012 00:18

I have to go I have no choice other than go without a huge incident and I don't need that but it will be the last time I do for a while I think.

Somehow I have to stop letting people walk all over me and doing everything myself so I don't ever rely on other people is the only way I can see that happening.

My kids are wonderful and beautiful but smallest is never asleep properly before 1am and oldest is up before 6 (both of which I'm working on now I can) but it doesn't leave much time for sleep right now.

OP posts:

Wowserz129 · 30/08/2012 00:27

Op just ask your parents for some time without your siblings. Tell them you we're hoping to see them without your siblings.

They prob have not realised.

YANBU though so don't worry

Original poster

freemanbatch · 30/08/2012 00:47

thanks wowserz129

OP posts:

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