Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I message this boys parents and wibu in calling the police

66 replies

missymoomoomee · 29/08/2012 15:36

To cut a very long story short a 13yo accused my 10yo of taking his phone yesterday (which I know he didn't do). 13yo showed up at my door, hammering on it, swearing and shouting and spitting, and when I closed the door he continued hammering on it, I called the police put them on the phone to him and he went away (giving me the finger on the way off).

After lunch, thinking it was over, my ds went to the park (about 1 minute from my house) came back having been surrounded by 13yo and his mates and punched. I call the police again and they make an appointment to take a statement. I go to the park with my younger children to keep an eye on the situation (I didn't want my son to have to stay in, if it wasn't nipped in the bud quickly he wouldn't go out again) the park is in 2 sections the skate park bit and the playpark bit so I wasn't going with ds, as such, just near enough so he was ok without me getting involved, cue 13yo coming up to me (I mean inches from my face saying he is going to punch me), making threats, being insulting and saying vile things, threatening me with his dad coming to beat me up etc.

Eventually when he wasn't getting a reaction he stopped (about 20 minutes later), I stayed for a few hours then went home, 2 minutes later my ds comes in, the lad had went straight over and punched him the minute I left.

The police took a statement, asked if I wanted the lad taken in and charged or given a talking to, I opted for the second one for now (in the hope it frightens him into stopping) I have to call the police when the lad shows up at the park again and they will come straight down. (I don't know this boys address only his name).

I went onto fb and have found his Dad, and I am wondering if I should message him as the police probably won't contact his parents, just to let him know the situation and that I have contacted the police or should I leave it as it is?

WIBU to have called the police, I do get lads have scuffles every now and then but for my 10yo to be surrounded by about 8 or 9 teenagers and hit by one was beyond that to me. My DH is in a proper mood and says I over-reacted, but in the same breath said it would be the right thing to do if it was one of our girls.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 29/08/2012 16:12

It does seem really odd that you would stay there for 3 hours to keep an eye on the situation then just leave him there. That said, I think you should have him charged, but definitely leave FB out of it.

THERhubarb · 29/08/2012 16:14

If the boy threatens and swears at adults, where do you think he got that from? If you contact his father you'll just have a bigger version at your front door.

I agree with others too, obviously you don't want to stop your ds from playing out but come on, he was punched once whilst in the park and then you let him out there again? I understand you don't want your ds to be afraid of this boy, but I would advise him to just avoid the boy until this is all sorted.

Get the lad taken to the police station and make sure he knows that if he goes near your son again, you'll get him arrested again, and again, and again.
Do not contact the parents, let the police do that. His parents probably taught him all he knows about being aggressive and violent.

And lay off with the mobile phone jibes everyone. Her ds was punched and is being threatened by a boy, so under those circumstances she gave him a phone so he could call home. It's not that difficult to understand.

Original poster
missymoomoomee · 29/08/2012 16:14

Its beside my house which is about a minute away (if that), 3 hours passed without incident, 13yo's friends had all gone and my son asked me to go. Of course I spoke to him about what could happen, my ds felt able to cope as his friends were there and 13yo was alone, he came home when 13yo did this as I had told him any more incidents whether it was name calling or even 13yo's friends coming back and he had to come straight in.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 29/08/2012 16:16

Definitely do not leave your contact details or any message on FB!
If anything further happens, have the boy charged. That might make them sit up and take notice of the thuggish way their son is behaving.

Softlysoftly · 29/08/2012 16:19

Agree with pretty much all pp's but would add your DH is being a sexist idiot.

Will he now make your son feel like he should man up and take a punch, while protecting the girlies? First step to making him internalise bullying very very worrying.

NCForNow · 29/08/2012 16:19

They passed without incident because you were there. Bullies are patient.

I wouldn't let my DS near the place again if that's the type that go there.

THERhubarb · 29/08/2012 16:24

Fair enough then missy, although I would have been tempted to first approach the lad and tell him that if he went anywhere near my ds I would call the police and make sure he was charged.

Don't ignore this behaviour. What did you do when the lad was swearing at you? If you don't take a stand they think they can do what they like. You need to promise him police action - you need to tell him that. He clearly has no respect for adults and I'm surprised he waited until you were gone before he punched your ds. In a few years he won't care whether you are there or not.

But approaching the parents is a different kettle of fish. They are adults and the lad got that behaviour from somewhere. If you approach them and things turn ugly then they can claim provokation. The police would always advise that you leave it to them and never interfere yourself.

LonelyLou · 29/08/2012 16:26

I would put money on it that with his bullying behaviour this lad is already known to the police. He seems to have built up a group around him who are probably also frightened of him (typical bully behaviour)

I would have charged him. It may give the others (and possibly their parents) something to think about.

A warning from the police tends to be worn as a badge by these little thugs Angry

Original poster
missymoomoomee · 29/08/2012 16:28

My ds always has his phone on him, it has an app on it that enables me to see where he is at any given time. We are in contact every 10 to 15 minutes and he never goes further than the park. The 13yo doesn't live near here I think he ventured further than usual with it being the holidays but generally they are a pretty nice bunch of kids that go there.

I think I will leave contacting the parents, it would either make the situation a million times better or a million times worse and I don't think I want to take the risk of it being the latter.

Agree about DH being sexist, we had a massive row last night and he has agreed to keep his stupid thoughts to himself in future. There are going to be huge problems if he tries to pass his attitude onto our DS again ( DH has sisters and this was the attitude he was taught)

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 29/08/2012 16:43

Not entirely sure why you are having to justify giving your son the freedom he is entitled to, when he is the victim in this - I think you handled it well OP. He sounds very brave, and good for him for not being intimidated by the bullies. I also have a 10 yo and he'd probably be a wreck if this had happened to him Sad

No do not contact the dad.

You are right to have this child warned. If he continues then you can have him charged, although I am very uncomfortable saying that as he is a child, but it may be the only way he will understand the seriousness of his actions.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 29/08/2012 16:45

How do you know you found his father? All you have is the boys name, not his address. How do you know the father is even involved in his life? He might be brought up by a lone parent.

Leave well alone and let the police do their job.

gothicangel · 29/08/2012 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

THERhubarb · 29/08/2012 16:52

OP, I think you may regret putting this in AIBU.

This thread is not for the faint hearted and will encourage strong opinions.
FWIW I don't think you were unreasonable now but forget the contact idea with the parents.
Get in touch with the police, tell them what happened at the park and ask them to take the lad in for questioning as it's clear he will not now leave you alone.
He has found a new victim and the mum of that boy hasn't yet done anything to stop him. You must do so before it escalates.

Sallyingforth · 29/08/2012 17:00

The 13yo seems very convinced that your Ds took his phone. What did he hope to gain from it?

Original poster
missymoomoomee · 29/08/2012 17:02

Its a really unusual last name, there are photos up of the whole family including a very recent holiday where they are all together (can tell by the date of the album) and the 13yo is in the pictures too but I'm not going to make direct contact anyway.

Thanks for calling me a twat gothicangel, unsure why I am one but I guess you have your reasons.

Its ok ohforfox I have been on MN long enough to know I would get some stick over this. I went by DSs reactions and what he was comfortable with at the time. If the park was further away or the lads friends had still been there then it would have been different.

OP posts:
Original poster
missymoomoomee · 29/08/2012 17:11

I put it in AIBU to get an honest opinion. I know its a bit of a lions den sometimes (I have given it out on occassion too) but generally everyone says exactly what they think here. I can take it Grin.

I have done something about it, he just doesn't know yet. If he doesn't appear at the park again then the police officer said they would contact his school.

I'm not sure what he hopes to gain from accusing my son tbh, it could have been anyone but it wasn't him. It did cross my mind that maybe his parents may have a bit of a temper and its easier for him to say it was stolen rather than lost, but I really don't know.

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 29/08/2012 17:16

Gothic in what way is op bring a twat Confused

confusedpixie · 29/08/2012 17:28

I agree with those saying you should charge him, it might give him the shock he needs to get his act together and he is plenty old enough to know better!

I'm glad you decided against contacting the Dad, bad move completely! You're doing the right thing by getting the police involved though, I wish my Mum had done the same for me when I was your sons age with similar issues! (She just let it fester for years :( )

diddl · 29/08/2012 17:32

Why would you think about contacting the father?

Leave it to the police.

Won´t they have to tell the parents if he´s only 13?

lovebunny · 29/08/2012 17:33

you didn't over-react. call the police every time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/08/2012 17:36

Personally I'd have had him charged for assaulting my son, and for threatening behaviour towards myself, both in the park and on my doorstep.

My son is 13, so IMO 13 is plenty old enough to know how to behave and to understand that consequences will follow for bad behaviour. And I agree with other posters not to contact the boys' parents, this sort of behaviour is unlikely to come from the blue; it is most likely how he has been raised to behave, by them.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 29/08/2012 17:44

I would have had him charged.

Glad you aren't going to message his parents Shock

Original poster
missymoomoomee · 29/08/2012 17:47

I am pretty sure they won't have to contact the parents to give him a telling off if I do press charges then they will have to be informed. I am going to call the police officer who dealt with us yesterday tonight and see what he thinks, he let me decide yesterday but I realise now I didn't ask his opinion of the best course of action.

I was originally thinking of contacting the father in the hope he would act the same way I would if the shoe was on the other foot but I can see it was a stupid idea.

OP posts:
gothicangel · 29/08/2012 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster
missymoomoomee · 29/08/2012 17:55

I know for a fact he is this boys father I can see he is, I'm not stupid enough to message someone on the off chance that he may or may not be related and I decided long before you waded in that I wasn't going to message him anyway after getting the advice that I asked for on here. So thank you for your input, the feeling is mutual (and I suggest reading the entire thread before jumping in and making yourself look a bit silly in future).

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread