to think my friend is being extreme?

[citylovernow]

Or maybe she has a point. I don't know.

I was talking about pocket money with my good friend of many years - we give the dcs a small amount on the weekends and they can buy whatever they want. One of them usually saves and buys books once she has enough, the other one usually blows it on sweets. I let them choose because I feel that's the point of pocket money - learn the value of money and when it's gone it's gone and all that....

My friend said she does the same except her dcs (aged 7 and 5) have to put it in their piggy banks and they only get to use it if they need to buy a birthday present for a friend or relative. She said she wouldn't let them use it for sweets as they aren't allowed sweets anyway. I hadn't realised this before but when I think about it I've never seen them with sweets.

I didn't say this to her obviously but won't her dcs be shoving their mouths full of crap at the first chance they get?

Maybe not, not all kids have a sweet tooth.

Nah, different strokes for different folks. I can see merits in both methods, although yours does sound more reasonable I would say. Certainly does seem a bit mean to give pocket money they can't spend on themselves but in terms of the sweets I can see why she wants to restrict it.

i knew a lady who only allowed her child sweets on a saturday. dds birthday party was on a sunday and everything was laid out and that child did not touch one sweet. Not one.

it worked that way with me and my siblings. Absolutely no sweets when the kids finally get some has the potential to be a problem. The pocket money thing? Doesn't sit quite right to me. She gives them pocket money to spend on others only?

Everyone is different though.

Well of course it's up to her. It must be difficult though apart from anything else. Imagine at parties! And soon they will go without her and do what they like if she can't see. Maybe I'm seeing it from the point of view of my dcs who push against boundaries all the time. Hers are much more passive than mine.

Hmm. I wonder why.
(I don't really -- she sounds very controlling. Always thought the whole point about pocket money was to teach kids about spending it as well as saving it)

I wasn't allowed sweets as a child. Once I was a teenager I binged on them whenever I had money. I went to different shops as I felt embarassed to buy so many and I hid the wrappers. It was really unhealthy although I did grow out of it.
My dd on the other hand has been allowed sweets, she is 12 now and can take them or leave them. She has them if she fancies them.
I know another child in my family that is not allowed sweets. She obsesses over them and as soon as she is away from her mum she tries everything to get some.

Thornrose that's kind of what I imagine will happen, but you never know. Same as the vegan kid who ate all the meatballs at DS' birthday party.

Oh that did make me laugh.
It's true you never know, but I think a blanket ban on things always gives you something to rebel against!
I was reading another thread today, I can't remember which one, but someone said exactly the same as me about bingeing on sweets when they were banned.
I also find it a bit hardcore to make young children spend their pocket money on presents for others.

It was quite funny actually - the family are strict vegans and the girl arrived with her own food, which she ate, then proceeded to work her way around the table trying everything. She was about 9 and obviously trusted to know what she was allowed. I did say to her at one point that there was meat and eggs in what she was eating (in case she didn't know - ha!) but she looked me straight in the eyes and said "Don't worry, it's ok,"

When I was a child I couldn't have any sweets. So I just snuck out early in the morning and got some- because at school all my friends would share the sweets and I'd be the only one who wasn't giving anything and I'd be offered sweets but feel like I couldn't accept them or felt that people were really getting annoyed at me for not bringing any sweets.

Now my kids have a Sunday rule- sweets on Sunday UNLESS it's a celebration like a birthday or something. It works well and they're okay with sweets. I do the same thing with chocolates. I have pocket money too- a set amount depending on their age and only for my over 6's, and they can get more money by doing chores. My 12yr old spends it on sweets, crisps and icecream with her friends, and my sons save it. It works out well and teaches all of them to be careful with money and how to earn money.

Love the name! We do a similar thing - sweets at the weekend if they want, and not really during the week. It's not a rule as such, just with school and activities and homework the issue never really comes up and now that they're at school I do the shopping without them. If there's a party then it's eat whatever you want but I find most them tend to be at weekends anyway. So far it seems to be a good balance - they aren't pestering for sweets anyhow, however neither are my friends' dcs.

I think the pocket money thing is mean. In our house DD spends, DS2 saves (and DS1 earns his own money which he tends to spend wisely). They don't spend money on sweets as we have a "goody jar" for treats which I buy, but I agree with you that allowing them choice around their money is a good lesson for later.

One of my mums friends only ever fed her children organic food and all this health farm stuff, and then one day she took them to macdonalds and they literally spat it out and asked to go home and have a salad.

I can see her point re sweets (I don't do this to DS though) but I think not allowing her DC to use their pocket money for themselves is a bit bloody mean!

Pocket money is for the children to learn how money works - there is a finite amount of it, you learn to prioritise what you want/need and save up when you don't have enough - and once it's gone, it's gone until the next amount turns up (whether as a weekly gift or in payment for chores). Making them spend it all on other people is just going to teach them that life is unfair far too early - they're going to find that out at some point anyway but I don't believe in martyrdom, especially not enforced martyrdom. :(

Yeh, apparently my niece only gets sweets on a Friday. They don't count whopping slices of cake, crisps or chocolate as sweets. Wtf!

In fairness I was allowedsweets and I'm a bungee

:o binger!

I grew up being allowed whatever i wanted to eat. No food was good or bad (hate the term 'treat' for food). And i also don't have a sweet tooth. So i just had a biscuit every now and then but always had access to the barrel. My family got a real shock if friends would come over and realise they could have what they liked. I remember the greedy faces, eyes bulging as they stuffed themselves silly just for the sake of it.

One mum when dropping her pfb at my 10th birthday party told my mum that whenever she came back from ours she was throwing up with the amount of cake and biscuits etc she'd eaten and could mum stand by the buffet and monitor what she ate. Erm the answer was no.

On a week long school trip we weren't allowed to take pocket money because the other parents said if their kids had access to money, they would spend the lot in one go on sweets and be sick. How sad is that. My mum said 'well Spuddy wont' and they laughed as if they didn't believe her as surely ALL children are greedy and eat until they vomit at 11yo

Sad really

But spiddy, I grew up with the same rules and am a binger - not to the point of vomiting! But to the point of obesity :( however we're fairly relaxed about sweets and treats with our dc and both stop when they're full, dd will have a couple of spoons if ice cream and say she's had enough. They're young so time will tell I suppose.

How the DC will react against an absolute ban will depend on how the need for one is explained, and how the familycommnicates in general.

We do not expect our DCs to suddenly start on previously-banned drugs when they first become available, nor is it onl those who come from strict households who become dangerous binge-drinkers.

So YABU: refined sugar has nothing going for it at all in dietary terms, and there is no inherent harm in excluding it.

My mother was fairly controlling about food, we had no squash, sweets, rarely chocolate, very limited snacks, essentially three good meals a day plus a snack at tea time. I have never eaten until I was sick and would think that there was some underlying problem going on there. If one of my children had a friend with this sort of problem and their parents asked me if I could help I would do my best to at least keep an eye out for them.

I did however resent my parents for not giving me what I thought was adequate pocket money and for a while stole money from my mother which I spent largely on chocolate. Nowadays I'd far rather spend all my disposable income on books than on candy. With regard to the OP I can't quite see the point of giving children pocket money and then totally controlling what it is spent on.

Yes stealth i do think people are different regardless of how you bring them up - as i said i just don't have a sweet tooth so that helped i think.

nooka i think the underlying problem in this situation was the extreme restrictions the parents put on their DC (the particular girl and her brothers were all the same and their parents just so OTT - when sweets were given out in class or cake for birthdays their mum would make them return them to the child & parent in the playground in front of everyone and say something like 'my mum says i'm not allowed this as all my teeth will fall out' ). And i don't think when you have 50 odd kids at a party, it is fair to ask the mother to hover over the buffet table and remember what your child is able to eat. Their parents didn't ask in a 'my child has a problem' way either, it was said as if it was completely normal for a child to do this, and my mum was irresponsible for allowing any children access to choose their own food. How will they learn if they can't?

Pocket money thing is very weird.

I am also a binger who was allowed to eat sweets so that explanation doesn't fly for me. We're trying the weekend rule.

At the risk of sounding like an old fart, sweets (and fizzy drinks and ice cream etc etc etc) were a treat or party food not an every day occurrence. I don't have a sweet tooth at all. A box of chocolates can sit here for 8 months and not be opened.

Whilst there is no peer pressure to eat crap, then don't give it. Once school starts and you have the handing out in class, which will be followed in later years by visits to the sweet shop when walking home from school, it becomes more difficult to police. Provided you haven't made an unhealthy connection between food stuffs, there shouldn't be a problem.