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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is being extreme?

64 replies

citylovernow · 29/08/2012 00:56

Or maybe she has a point. I don't know.

I was talking about pocket money with my good friend of many years - we give the dcs a small amount on the weekends and they can buy whatever they want. One of them usually saves and buys books once she has enough, the other one usually blows it on sweets. I let them choose because I feel that's the point of pocket money - learn the value of money and when it's gone it's gone and all that....

My friend said she does the same except her dcs (aged 7 and 5) have to put it in their piggy banks and they only get to use it if they need to buy a birthday present for a friend or relative. She said she wouldn't let them use it for sweets as they aren't allowed sweets anyway. I hadn't realised this before but when I think about it I've never seen them with sweets.

I didn't say this to her obviously but won't her dcs be shoving their mouths full of crap at the first chance they get?

OP posts:
nooka · 29/08/2012 07:11

Ah well I've never had more than 10 or so children at a birthday party, so the scenario didn't seem terribly tricky. I can't see any reason to restrict children's food to such a degree unless there is an allergy or other significant issue. But then that's fairly easy for me to say as I've two children who eat a ton but are thin, fit and healthy (largely not my doing, as it's mostly genetics).

Thumbwitch · 29/08/2012 07:14

at SPB being a bungee!! Grin Gotta love the autocorrect.

pigletmania · 29/08/2012 07:17

She does sound very controlling. Surely it's the parents responsibility to buy presents for relatives and for friends birthdays.

lovebunny · 29/08/2012 07:23

so you look after your children by allowing them to make choices with their own money - very good practice.
and she looks after her children by not allowing them sweets and teaching them to save - very good practice.
no problem. just different. well done both.

StealthPolarBear · 29/08/2012 07:24

I don't agree they should be spending their pocket money on presents for others though

PeggyCarter · 29/08/2012 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigRedIndiaRubberBall · 29/08/2012 07:36

As others have said, the sweets thing is fair enough. I wouldn't, but not particularly extreme.

The pocket money thing is just cruel. It's not teaching them anything, it's just a way for the mum to save her own money for other kids' presents. Presumably she doesn't trust them not to secretly binge on sweets?

exoticfruits · 29/08/2012 07:43

I can't see any point in pocket money at that age unless they are free to spend it as they wish. Being very controlling about sweets sets them up for an unhealthy attitude to food - they need to learn to control it themselves. All the DCs that I know who are not allowed sweets stuff themselves when the parent isn't around but can look the parent in the eye as if 'butter wouldn't melt'- they get adept at lying early in life and the parent generally hasn't a clue.
Anyway- not your problem- just ignore.

AThingInYourLife · 29/08/2012 07:44

"won't her dcs be shoving their mouths full of crap at the first chance they get?"

You mean like the one of yours who blows all their pocket money on sweets? :o

puds11 · 29/08/2012 07:50

My mum was like this. I stuffed my face full of sweets at any opportunity.

exoticfruits · 29/08/2012 07:56

It isn't the same AThingInYourLife because if they have sweets they don't need to spend all their pocket money on them. They learn the value of money and work out that if they save it they can buy something they really want that will last.

exoticfruits · 29/08/2012 07:57

I would be rich if I had a pound for every DC I know who stuffed sweets because the parent is very controlling.!

AThingInYourLife · 29/08/2012 08:02

But one of the OP's children is spending all their money on sweets, despite having access to them.

I find the faith people have in the idea that if you let children have something they will learn to self-regulate effectively quite touching.

I think it's a little bit more complicated than that.

AThingInYourLife · 29/08/2012 08:04
exoticfruits · 29/08/2012 08:09

It is a small amount of money and she is 5 years old. She will grow out of it, mine are now all much older- they didn't waste money on sweets above a very young age. Pocket money has to be their money - it is fairly pointless if it is only spent under mother's direction.

Thistledew · 29/08/2012 08:13

I never had sweets or chocolate bars as a child but we ate biscuits, cakes and deserts as a normal part of our diet. I never got the urge to binge on sweets even at parties.

I don't see the point in only saving money for other people's presents though. It doesn't seem conducive to teaching children to save and buy things they properly value if they are only spending money on things that have no value for them.

exoticfruits · 29/08/2012 08:18

Saving for presents seems sad to me - if they are to do that Inthink they need a larger amount so that some is for personal use.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 29/08/2012 08:26

I wonder if they are stony broke and using no sweets, presents only to stop the dc adhering for things they can't afford.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 29/08/2012 08:27

Badgering, sorry! Getting used to new phone

whatsleep · 29/08/2012 08:28

Sad at the pocket money rules, seems very mean, here's your pocket money, but actually it's not for you.....
We have a sweet tub in the cupboard where the kids can have them pretty much whenever thy like, they are now no longer seen as being a 'treat' and remain there for weeks on end untouched I eat them when they are in bed everyone deals with the whole sweets issue differently I'm sure but it works for us!

AmberLeaf · 29/08/2012 08:35

Pocket money being only for things for other people is odd. do they never get to have anything they want?

Does she buy them everything?

I agree that children who are banned from certain things go mad for them once they get the opportunity IME.

halcyondays · 29/08/2012 09:33

It's not really pocket money if they're not allowed to spend it, is it?

pigletmania · 29/08/2012 09:45

Sweets thing aside, using the kids money to buy relatives presents and birthday presents, that's mean an stingy, f the kids want to make a contribution far enough, or if they are going to a birthday party making a small contribution to their resent fair enough, but the adult pays for most of it, thats what parents do

Original poster
citylovernow · 29/08/2012 11:42

Oh wow I've been out and just seen all the replies.

I agree the pocket money thing is rubbish. They are really strict (I would say I am too but over different issues I guess) - once we were having dinner at their house and their ds, who was about 2 at the time, spat out a mouthful of something he didn't like. She was put to be with no dinner because "the rule in our house is spit our your food and you go straight to bed."

I think I'm happy with our balance of sweets at the weekend. I wonder if the ones whose dcs are allowed more or less what they want have only 1 dc who doesn't have a sweet tooth? I am an only child and grew up allowed more or less free access to all the snacks and sweets and I'm not that bothered about sweet stuff now although not the case with free access to wine. So that theory would be true if you looked at me. However I KNOW that if I did that with my dcs, my 2 dds would eat a few sweets then put them away and my ds would stuff his face. All brought up the same, but reacted very differently.

Not sure I agree with "all food is good" - I mean, no food is banned but I do tell my dcs that sweets etc are not really proper food, they are more like extras....

OP posts:
Original poster
citylovernow · 29/08/2012 11:43

He was put to bed - that should say....

OP posts: