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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father insisting on child's name - IHBU?

52 replies

Spice17 · 28/08/2012 14:07

Hi all

have to be fairly vague here but here goes.

A relation of mine has just had a baby boy and the father has insisted on it being called his Dad's name (who died approx 10 years ago) It's a really old fashioned name, probably popular in 50s/60s and no one calls their child it nowadays.

It was a total stalemate until my relation gave in, poor thing, took 5 days but she did in the end. He wouldn't compromise and have it as a middle name either.

Feel really sorry for her, she has a daughter with a modern name and then this one that doesn't go at all.

Not the biggest issue in the world but when you add to to him not attending scans or being in the room at birth because he 'doesn't like it'. I feel like she's got a raw deal really.

She joked about it when she was pregnant too, as if it would never happen, which means I know she'll be upset/embarrassed about it.

Whole family are pretty annoyed with him TBH!

Sure IBU to say this but I feel like she did everything to get the baby here safely, so she should have a bloody say!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2012 14:09

It's always sad when two parents can't compromise

Makes you wonder why they bother having kids together in the first place

pjmama · 28/08/2012 14:10

If I were her I'd think of a nice nickname or shortened version and "insist" on calling him that regardless of what's on his birth certificate.

JammySplodger · 28/08/2012 14:11

Of course she should have a say, have they registered the name yet?

Proudnscary · 28/08/2012 14:11

Well I suppose YANBU... on the other hand it's none of your business or anyone else's so don't know why everyone in the family is so upset and up in arms!

HoratiaWinwood · 28/08/2012 14:12

She should use a nickname forever - nicknames don't necessarily need to relate to the birth certificate name.

He sounds like a dick.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2012 14:13

He sounds like a dick

Good job the baby's not named after his Dad then

DeWe · 28/08/2012 14:13

I have a friend whose dh announced at his uncle's funeral that the unborn child would be called after his uncle. She was furious as it was an old fashioned name and she was afraid he'd be teased. She understood that her dh had got carried away in the heat of the moment, but it was going to be very difficult to pull back after it had been said in front of all the grieving relatives, who were very pleased and comforted by the idea.

Fast forward to school age and she discovered the old-fashioned name had made a come back and there were no fewer than five children by the same name in his class . She admits it suits him too now, but it took her a long time to be reconciled to it.

inkyfingers · 28/08/2012 14:16

Agree to the nickname, sometimes kids get called things that bear no relation to their birth certificate. Did she get to choose the middle name?

RuleBritannia · 28/08/2012 14:16

Why does a new baby have to have a 'modern' name? There's nothing wrong with anything from the 50s or 60s (not that I remember anyway).

It would be interesting to know what name you think is 'old fashioned'. A 'modern' name today will be 'old fashioned' tomorrow, won't it?

Anyway, as another poster has said, it's none of your business what others call their children. This is a matter between a husband and wife.

Socknickingpixie · 28/08/2012 14:25

im not sure i understand why names have to match but i dont think any parent should feel bullied into using a name by the other parent

Original poster

Spice17 · 28/08/2012 14:26

I think the name's OK fwiw but I know cousin hates it, just upset for her not getting a fair/equal say really.

I didn't say the family 'were up in arms' just annoyed about someone being a bit bullish to their partner when she's just had a baby.

She did get to choose the middle name but doesn't feel the same - wouldn't to me anyway. I love my mum but no way is my DD to be being called her name :)

I also agree that she should choose a nickname and keep calling baby it until it sticks!

OP posts:

ChaoticismyLife · 28/08/2012 14:37

A child's name should be agreed upon by both parents.

bobbledunk · 28/08/2012 14:43

Both parents need to agree to a name, it's horrible to bully your partner into naming the child something they dislike. How awful to be in a relationship with someone like that.

CoffeeDog · 28/08/2012 14:52

I agreed with dh that He could name the twins if they Were girls and i would choose name if they Were boys after finding out sexes at scan with my sister dh did choose dd's name Its not bad and simular to what i was thinking anyway... we both decided twin boys would each have grandads name as middle name they love having the same names as grandad ;-(

Inertia · 28/08/2012 15:59

Your relative's husband sounds like a bully who has somehow managed to make the birth of a new child about neither the baby nor the mother, but all about him and his wants.

I feel quite sorry for her- she might need some moral support.

TheHeirOfSlytherin · 28/08/2012 16:03

We definitely need to know what the name is.

Blu · 28/08/2012 16:08

The name isn't the main issue. The bullying and the insistence on this patriarchal nonsense is.

squoosh · 28/08/2012 16:12

It doesn't matter whether the name is old fashioned or modern. The point is he hectored her into agreeing to the name he wanted and wasn't even open to discussing it. And all this immediately after she'd given birth.

He chose not to attend scans, he chose not to attend the birth and yet he is the only one whose opinion matters when it comes to naming the child.

Choosing a name should be decided by both parents.

What a complete and utter wanker he sounds. And I do mean complete and utter.

BarredfromhavingStella · 28/08/2012 16:12

How horrible for her, a name should be chosen together & you certainly shouldn't be forced into naming your child something you dislike!!

Bellyjaby · 28/08/2012 16:35

One of my good friends was going through this. They've split now and she's going to name the baby a name she's happy with (ex has washed his hands of them). I couldn't imagine having a child and not liking it's name. Poor cousin.

We gave dd a name that's a little hard to match up. Thankfully next lo is a boy so it doesn't seem so bad that it's name doesn't quite match. Though oddly it is a name I'd ruled out if dd had been a boy. I've just found myself coming more and more round to it.

naturalbaby · 28/08/2012 16:40

I rarely call any of my dc's by their given names and know plenty who have unofficial names - there are even two spaces on the nursery and school paperwork for the child's name and the name they are actually called!

If she doesn't like it and the child grows up not liking it then there's no reason why the child has to be known by that name (unofficially). Just wait till the child is old enough to express their own opinion.

picnicbasketcase · 28/08/2012 16:42

Like Roger or Nigel or something? She's definitely right to be pissed off and one parent shouldn't unilaterally decide on a name with no regard for the other's feelings.

ZonkedOut · 28/08/2012 16:52

I don't see why names need to match up, tbh. But definitely both parents should agree on a name.

Picnic, I was thinking along those lines. Or Derek.

starmaker7 · 28/08/2012 17:01

When I had dd3 we hadnt decided on a middle name (cant remember if we even discussed one tbh) so when the registrar asked asked I said the name that I had wanted to call dd2 (that dp vetoed vehemently) DP glared at me ,I said 'what' and he said 'nothing' - job done ;0)

BUT a first name should always be something agreed by both ,I agree use a nickname or even his middle name if thats nicer

Much as I love my dad I would not name my child after him :-/

sarahtigh · 28/08/2012 17:31

in some cultures including parts of scottish Highlands there is a very strong culture of giving the first male child their paternal grandfathers name it is alos usual to give first female child maternal grandmothers name.

obviously this is probably not the case here but it is in my Dh family and it took a lot of talking to give our DD a different name as my sisters only DD had this name ( DD now has name as second name)

if it was a tradition and the wife knew about tradition she may just possibly be a tad U in thinking she would talk him out of it

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