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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father insisting on child's name - IHBU?

52 replies

Spice17 · 28/08/2012 14:07

Hi all

have to be fairly vague here but here goes.

A relation of mine has just had a baby boy and the father has insisted on it being called his Dad's name (who died approx 10 years ago) It's a really old fashioned name, probably popular in 50s/60s and no one calls their child it nowadays.

It was a total stalemate until my relation gave in, poor thing, took 5 days but she did in the end. He wouldn't compromise and have it as a middle name either.

Feel really sorry for her, she has a daughter with a modern name and then this one that doesn't go at all.

Not the biggest issue in the world but when you add to to him not attending scans or being in the room at birth because he 'doesn't like it'. I feel like she's got a raw deal really.

She joked about it when she was pregnant too, as if it would never happen, which means I know she'll be upset/embarrassed about it.

Whole family are pretty annoyed with him TBH!

Sure IBU to say this but I feel like she did everything to get the baby here safely, so she should have a bloody say!

OP posts:
PuddingsAndPies · 28/08/2012 17:34

YANBU, but there's not a lot you can do about it.

(Are we guessing now? Grin Keith? Jeremy? Brian?)

squoosh · 28/08/2012 17:34

Personally I don't see why one parent's family tradition should take precedence over coming to a mutual agreement through discussion.

Lots of traditions are a load of old codswallop in my opinion.

squoosh · 28/08/2012 17:35

Geoffrey?

Bellyjaby · 28/08/2012 17:36

Colin?

Jemma1111 · 28/08/2012 17:45

Op, your relation should tell her partner to piss off !
She has as much right to name her child as he has , if she's already registered his name and wants to change it then I believe you have up to a year to change a child's forename.

Teamumizumi · 29/08/2012 08:30

My EX DH did exactly the same thing to me. He didn 't acknowledge my pregnancy at all and went out to a party when i was in hospital in labour. He insisted on DD being called after his grandmother so I said "yes" - not least to attempt to get him to try to bond with DD. DD is called Emily. Three months aftwrwards he said "I made a mistake. My grandmother was called Elsie." so i nearly died and thought "thank f for his crap memory!"anyway, 14 years later there are 5 Emilys in her class and she hates the name. We call her Mimi which she likes and I told her about the Elsie lucky escape - but she really likes the name Elsie!! Maybe OP can shorten the name, ie Al for Albert - but spare a thought for all those Keanus out there!!!

Newtothisstuff · 29/08/2012 08:35

Is it roger or Gordon ?!! Come on op tell us the name !!

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 29/08/2012 08:36

I'm thinking Clive?

sashh · 29/08/2012 08:38

What is it? Kenneth? Cyril? Squire? Bartimus?

You have to tell us now.

Kayano · 29/08/2012 08:41

Well did she pick the first DCs name?

DH picked dd's name. I don't live it (popular name) but its
Nice.

I let him because he doesnt ask for much, had his heart set on it and really got me through a lot.
Sometimes you do things for the people you love.

He's named the dc after his deceased father. It's not like it's a random name she hates with no meaning

Kayano · 29/08/2012 08:44

In her case though with him not showing an interest though I think she should name dc

juneau · 29/08/2012 08:45

My DH did this. He's American and is a IV, so he was absolutely determined that if we had a boy he would be V. I was equally adamant that he wouldn't as, while I love him, I don't especially love his name. It's another one that was very popular up until maybe 1970s and is hardly ever used nowadays. It's a bit of a middle-aged bloke name IYKWIM.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I eventually caved, despite it really upsetting me, but I insisted that DS1 is never known by that name. He has a lovely NN that we both agreed on and he is universally known by that name instead - to the point where he's registered at the doctor by his NN and starts school in next week known only as his NN. My ILs were a bit disappointed initially but I couldn't have cared less Grin So, there ARE ways around this - but you have to be as determined as you OH.

solidgoldbrass · 29/08/2012 08:53

I think there are bigger problems in that marriage than the baby's name: your friend's partner didn't support her during the pregnancy and is now throwing his weight around WRT the name - he sounds like an abuser or at least a potential one. Men who consider their female partners as inferiors who have to be obedient always end up abusive to them.

UserNameNotAvailable · 29/08/2012 08:57

Df tried to get me to name ds2 after his granda who died. Its not a horrible name and quite popular these days but its just not a name I like (William). I gave him the name as a middle name as a compromise. However I named ds2 as when I said the name out loud one day it just felt right, even though I said the name before and decided against it and df wasn't keen. His first name is an old name and comes from the Old Testament even though we aren't religious but it sounds pretty modern (Aaron - pronounced A-ron not Air-ran)

Df also tried to say I should have named dd after his nana but I wanted our kids to have their own name within the family. Df's side seem to be all named after each other and if he says something like "I saw our Peter today" I have to ask which one and I don't want that for my kids.

I would never have named my kids after my nana or mam, horrible names and my mam would tell you the same.

Is her ds names Norman?

Kayano · 29/08/2012 08:58

We can't say he is abuser because we don't have his side or even her side.

She might have just agreed in the end when she saw the baby.

We have her friends side

So I don't think we can call him an abuser just yet.

We could perhaps call him a stubborn arsehole

DruAnderson · 29/08/2012 09:03

From the OP he sounds very controlling. However there are many women that feel its their right to pick the name (thinking about baby blanche) and are not called controlling because they insist on a name.

I really don't get the 'matching names' thing.
And why is it a child must have a 'modern' or 'fashionable' name. I didn't consider moderness or fashion when naming mine. Don't get why you would.

Kayano · 29/08/2012 09:04

The 'modern' names of
Today are
The 'dated' names
Of tomorrow

NCForNow · 29/08/2012 09:07

I feel for her but my DH understood that if we had a boy, I would have wanted to call him after my Dad...who died when I was younger. My Dad's name was a classic one but not one DH was fond of...but he totally understood and would have never complained.

Likewise I would have honoured one of his parent's if they had been dead and that was what he wanted.

ThisIsNotHoneyDragon · 29/08/2012 09:10

Are you sure 100% that it is just him riding roughshod over her feelings. Having a baby is an emotive time, perhaps she realised why it was so important to her dh?

Fwiw my dh was fixated over a particular name for ds, I was a adamant it wouldn't go with our surname to everyone. We'd then agreed a name. The day after ds was born I went with dh's choice of name of my own accord as it seemed right. Mil was furious as she hated the name.

However, that was nothing compared to the downright rude comments I got from people over dd when they asked what they were calling her, and I said dh hadn't decided yet. I'd told dh to name her. He decided a week before she was born, I loved it. (Obviously if I hated it we'd have had a rethink). Dh was away a lot during my pg and not able to support me as much as he wanted to plus my mother was going through cancer. It was, for us, a nice way for him to connect and think about dd when he couldn't be with us. But I got a LOT of snitty comments from people about being barefoot in the kitchen etc etc.

Teamumizumi · 29/08/2012 09:16

Matching names are important.

Madonna
Lourdes/Lola
Rocco
Dave

noblegiraffe · 29/08/2012 09:16

Echoing what SGB said, keep an eye on your relative. I know of a similar situation and the relationship did not end well.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2012 09:22

YANBU.... He sounds like a bully.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 29/08/2012 09:28

To me both parents should agree on names, neither has the right to dictate. If you can't start out by agreeing on a name how the hell are you going to agree on how to parent the child?

moajab · 29/08/2012 09:28

Lots of people in my family are known by their middle name. So if your cousin chose that she could use it. He will always be the other name on official things like bank accounts, but socially will be known by the middle name. When registering at our school we gave their name, but also the name they were known as, if it was different or a shortened version.

WildWorld2004 · 29/08/2012 10:55

You get usually a minimum of 6 months before baby is born(depending on when you find out about pregnancy). I think couples should use those 6 months to agree on names & not wait until its born & then begin the arguements. My ex & i discussed it & we both agreed on the name. I wouldnt name my child a name i didnt like.