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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel I'm not being treated like a friend, but like an appointment with the dentist?

36 replies

NigellasGuest · 28/08/2012 10:39

Have had 2 brusque phone messages from old friend who likes to be uber-organised. Basically, each message demanding asking me to get in touch because she is sorting out her diary and wants me plus family over. Not because she wants to see us, but because she "wants to get something in the Diary." This reason was given both times... I haven't replied yet because I don't know how I feel about it. Perhaps I'm being a bit over-sensitive. How would you feel? AIBU?

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 28/08/2012 10:41

Tell her you'll let her know when you've organised your diary

Bonsoir · 28/08/2012 10:42

People can be strangely aggressive about invitations and their expectations. I would write back to her using the sort of terms that you would find appropriate and see whether it has an impact.

MrsKeithRichards · 28/08/2012 10:43

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable but maybe a bit sensitive. Her manner is a bit brusque but maybe she just has loads going on and wants to make extra sure she has time and gets to see you.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 28/08/2012 10:45

Give her your secretary's number.

tryingtonotfeckup · 28/08/2012 10:46

I always assumed that getting something in the diary was the same as wanting to see someone. We and our friends say it all the time, we just mean lets get some time set aside know or life will pass by and we don't get to meet up. It depends on your friend, you know her best but you sound as though you are being a bit over-sensitive.

YouOldSlag · 28/08/2012 10:50

YABU.

Now that our friends have kids and we live all over the UK and they all work full time, it really does come down to getting something in the diary, otherwise years pass by and friendships drift. At least she's making an effort.

I find casual arrangements such as "you must come and see us sometime" never pan out or happen.

You might not like her manner, but she has a busy life and genuinely wants to see you.

valiumredhead · 28/08/2012 10:52

You're being over sensitive, I often say to friends 'Let's get something in the diary' and 'I'll pencil you in.'

Trioofprinces · 28/08/2012 10:54

To me "I want to get something in the diary" means if we don't arrange it, it may never end up happening and I really want to see you so we'd best get it planned in.

You are being over sensitive and unreasonable in my opinion.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 28/08/2012 10:54

Not my favourite phrase either, but YABU and they ^ have explained why.

valiumredhead · 28/08/2012 10:55

In fact the more I read stuff like this on MN the more I wonder how people get through day to day life being quite so sensitive. If she'd rung you up and told you to fuck off then that is something to complain about! She rang you up and left a message inviting you over, maybe she's organised as she wants to cook a nice meal and needs to plan ahead. You are complaining because in your opinion she didn't ask you nicely enough? Get over yourself

TheSmallClanger · 28/08/2012 11:00

It's a wanky phrase, but she probably means well.

Do you want to spend time with her? That's the real question here.

snowmummy · 28/08/2012 11:01

YABU - she wants to arrange to see you is all! And she's keen to get it organised. Sometimes, if I don't get something 'in the diary' it doesn't happen. We are busy people with busy lives as are a lot of our friends.

BionicEmu · 28/08/2012 11:01

YABU. Why would she want to get something in the Diary if she didn't want to see you?

I frequently call friends to arrange a meet-up to put on the calendar. I have friends all over the country, we almost all have kids and busy lives, so if we didn't call up and arrange a day then we'd never see each other.

Basically, I would take the fact that she wants to put you in the diary as meaning she really, really wants to see you.

CuriousMama · 28/08/2012 11:04

Does she work full time and have a family? She probably has to live like this if so? If you like her then just make an arrangement to see her. If you're not keen then say you'll get back to her on it. She'll soon take the hint if you don't.

akaemmafrost · 28/08/2012 11:04

My solicitor friend says this. We are both VERY busy and quite often one of us to cancel meet ups and we find it hard to make the time.

I do not take it as anything but her wanting to make sure it happens.

McHappyPants2012 · 28/08/2012 11:08

i have to do this with my Nan, she is a busy women even at the age of 75.

it just mean she wants to see you.

CMOTDibbler · 28/08/2012 11:13

I'd take it as 'would be lovely to see you all, don't want it to slip, don't worry about what we'll do, just find a date that works'. She obv values seeing you and wants to make it happen

Original poster

NigellasGuest · 28/08/2012 11:32

To give some background, no she's not working full-time. In fact she doesn't have a job outside the home at all. She has 2 sons who attend a major public school (boarding) and 2 cleaners. Her main hobby is clothes, and she has her hair blow dried weekly at a salon. She has about 6 foreign holidays a year, with and without children.

And yes, I do feel a bit like I'm being summoned by Lady Muck, but that probably says more about me than her.

OP posts:

more · 28/08/2012 12:33

Her having left a message on your answering machine leads me to think that you might not be that easy to get hold of. Maybe she really likes you but find you hard work because she can never reach you, and get a concrete answer to "when do you wanna meet up friend?".
Personally I don't like phones. I need to see people's expressions. There are often long uncomfortable silences when I am on the phone. I am never sure what to say in most real life situations let alone on a phone.

PicaK · 28/08/2012 13:11

Gosh. I really had no idea anyone could take offence to that phrase. Putting someone In my diary means I value them hugely and want to see them.

tbh it sounds like you don't want to see them and are irritated that you are being bothered.

YouOldSlag · 28/08/2012 13:17

You don't sound like you like her very much.

2rebecca · 28/08/2012 13:26

If you want to see her phone her and arrange it, if you don't don't. Not sure what you are getting so upset about apart from the fact that you don't seem to like her much and don't sound bothered enough about her to think "great X has got in touch, I've been meaning to phone her for ages and haven't bothered. I'll phone her back"

Original poster

NigellasGuest · 28/08/2012 13:29

PikaK it's not the phrase on it's own that bothers me, but the tone. She did the same thing to my sister, who had only recently dragged her DH and DCs into London for a strange lunch chez the friend in question. Not long after, another message on my sister's phone. Sister left a message back, saying that it would be awkward to come into London anytime soon but if friend fancies a trip out to the country she would be more than welcome. Has not heard a peep from friend since.

OP posts:

LarkinSky · 28/08/2012 13:31

Your second post kind of gives your answer really, you don't sound like you like her, so why continue the friendship?

FWIW I would find nothing offensive about her manner of inviting you, and ditto that she may have been frustrated all she could reach was your answer phone. Oh yes, and she may have a privileged life with two cleaners and no WOH but that doesn't mean she isn't busy I'm sure!

Anyway, why continue the friendship if she bugs you so much?

Snog · 28/08/2012 13:33

She wants to see you
If you don't want to see her, just tell her
I think it is as easy as that

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