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AIBU?

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Original poster

14 year niece and her new boyfriend

33 replies

sweetsoulsister · 28/08/2012 06:50

I got a call from my sister yesterday and I have been silently fuming since...and I'm trying hard not to.

My niece (14) has her 1st boyfriend (16). My sister lives in the country and drove my niece into town to meet up with said boyfriend, (she had not met him yet.) He drives and one of the stipulations was that my niece was not to go in the car with him - they were allowed to go for a walk but not a drive. As soon as he showed up that rule went out the window and off they went in his car. My niece was told to be back at a certain time, she showed up 45 minutes late during which time my sister said she thought she was going to have a panic attack.

My niece then asked if the boyfriend could drive her home instead of my sister and my sister agreed assuming they would follow her. They ended up showing up hours later. Apparently my BIL was not impressed and they 'grounded' my niece whatever that means.

My niece then asked if she could introduce the new bf to her grandparents who live 5 minutes away and off they go. At 10pm my sister phones her inlaws to see what's going on - my niece wasn't there. My cousin drives around and finds them parked down a country lane.

My sister just kept saying to me, 'I'm not ready for this.' I told her that she better get ready and deal with this before things get out of hand. Her only response seems to be a mild panic and she's thinking about insisting my niece's 14 year old best friend go out with them as a chaperone. There are no rules, my niece has no respect for my sister or my BIL (and never has tbh), and I can't help but think she is going to end up pregnant.

Am I Being Unreasonable to be so upset?

OP posts:
McPhee · 28/08/2012 06:55

How can he be able to drive at 16? The minimum age is 17.

Original poster
sweetsoulsister · 28/08/2012 06:56

Not in Canada.

OP posts:
McPhee · 28/08/2012 06:57

Ah well that info would have helped.

Original poster
sweetsoulsister · 28/08/2012 06:58

How would that have made a difference to the point of my post?

OP posts:
whyme2 · 28/08/2012 07:02

It would be the difference between legal and illegal driving so would have some bearing imo.

But I think you are right in that your sister needs to deal with her daughter and set some rules with consequences if the rules are broken. I didn't understand how she could be grounded and then allowed out? I thought grounding was basically banning the child from going out for a period of time.

Can your sister speak to the boy's parents?

Groovee · 28/08/2012 07:04

Your sister and husband need to take control of this and lay down rules. Grounded means you are confined to the house when not at school.

I'd be angry too as an auntie but your sister needs to be a parent and not a jibbering wreck.

whyme2 · 28/08/2012 07:04

As an auntie you may be in the best place to help your niece (with your sister's consent). Sometimes teenagers need someone who is one step away from the parents. There is nothing to stop you talking to you niece about keeping herself safe. How would your sister feel about this?

exoticfruits · 28/08/2012 07:09

I don't think the 14yr old chaperone is going to work! Unfortunately if she already has no respect for her parents she isn't suddenly going to have some. Sister and BIL are going to have to make some ground rules. So far she has twisted them around her little finger and then reacted by grounding. She ought to have invited him out to see them first. However, they now need to discuss it with DD and make some guidelines.

Original poster
sweetsoulsister · 28/08/2012 07:11

Ah, I see the point about the driving - I wasn't thinking along those lines at all.

I have suggested that they meet the boy's parents but that seemed to fall on deaf ears. My sister and BIL never seem to have the energy to follow through with their rules, it has always been empty threats. I'm sure my sister wouldn't mind me talking to my niece, that is very good advice.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/08/2012 07:12

Unfortunately DCs often provide a challenge before we are ready! Your sister is going to have to stop moaning that she isn't ready for it and make herself ready.

Original poster
sweetsoulsister · 28/08/2012 07:13

Yeah, the 14 year old chaperone idea left me shaking my head in absolute wonder. Sigh.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2012 07:21

Two parts to this... If she's grounded for not being home at a particular time, then she shouldn't be going anywhere really. But obviously the parents aren't sticking to their own rules so that's for them to resolve. And if he's legitimately got a driving licence - which presumably means he's passed some kind of test of competence - then there's no fundamental reason why she shouldn't be a passenger in his car.

whyme2 · 28/08/2012 07:23

A fourteen year old chaperone - because they will be so much more grown up and responsible. Hmm

But I would go with making yourself available to your niece, having a conversation that covers birth control and make it clear that she can come to you about anything.

I don't know what you can do about your sister though . . .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2012 07:26

YABU to be 'upset' btw. Your neice sounds like a typically healthy, lust, reul-breaking teenager and your sister has had 14 years to get to know the girl and gain each other's respect. I'd stay well out of it other than to remind your sister that she's the parent here.

CouthyMow · 28/08/2012 07:31

Why the hell HASN'T your sister spoken to her DD already about relationships, birth control and keeping herself safe?!

I had my 14yo when I was just 16 myself, and am now only 31. I am not ready to deal with all this.

Doesn't mean I haven't done it though!!

CouthyMow · 28/08/2012 07:33

What I guess I'm saying is that despite my age, I have had to deal with it. I think the best course of action, as it seems unlikely that your sister is going to grow up and actually DO anything sensible in this situation, is for you to talk to your niece.

Oh, and YANBU either.

Original poster
sweetsoulsister · 28/08/2012 07:35

I'm not upset that my niece is a rule breaking teenager, I'm upset that my sister has no backbone!!

OP posts:
JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 28/08/2012 07:39

Just because she is pushing boundaries doesnt mean she's going to end up pregnant Hmm

She might, but it doesn't follow.

Not really knowing the ins and outs of the Canadian education or health system, can't comment on the equivalent of their PHSE or what services the school nurse may provide. But if the girl is that way inclined, perhaps her parents should take her to the doctor for contraceptives.

Interestingly, Canada only raised its age of consent from 14 to 16 in 2008

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2012 08:16

Your sister is an adult and she is one of two parents in this situation. You're not responsible for their behaviour or decisions, you're not responsible for your neice, and you can't influence the outcome. Being upset is therefore rather redundant.

FallenCaryatid · 28/08/2012 08:56

I agree that someone needs to make sure the niece is up to date on contraception, but your sister and her husband are apparently parenting in a very woolly and inconsistent fashion. I'd be very pissed off if I was the 14 year old friend, how on earth does your sister think she can make that happen? Insisting someone else does what she can't make her daughter do?
Be the uninvolved, neutral adult that your niece can come to with questions that she can't ask her parents. Both my children have adults in their lives that fulfil that function, as well as active parents. It's been useful in the past.

iscream · 28/08/2012 09:21

Well, I'd talk to your sister about bringing her daughter to the Family Planning clinic and get her a reliable form of birth control.
Can you help your sister learn to stick with her rules by giving her some tough love pamphlets or something like that?
Go on a parenting course with her maybe?

McHappyPants2012 · 28/08/2012 09:30

Can anyone over the age of 16 drive and do they have to do driving lessons and test ect. ( just trying the get the picture why she can't go for a drive with him)

i would suggest talking about contraception just incase she is even thinking of sex.

the late home my mum used to ground us.

PooPooOnMars · 28/08/2012 09:31

So they had already broken the rules three times, one by her getting in the car, once when they were late back and once when they didn't follow the car back and went missing. And your sister still let them go off to the grandparents?!

You've got to be fucking kidding me! They have broken trust and it will need to be earned back.

If the lad can't respect the rules set by his girlfriends parents then the girlfriends parents should take that as a massive warning and not enable the relationship or put massive restrictions on it . . .

Like he can only see her in their home while they are there.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 28/08/2012 09:36

Depends on the province of Canada

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Driving_licence_in_Canada

Some allow permits from 14.

PooPooOnMars · 28/08/2012 09:37

A friend of mine was the chaperone once. She sat on the bottom bunk while the other two had unprotected sex on the top bunk. Boyfriend was on drugs with druggies popping in and out while they were doing it.

What's a 14 year old supposed to do about that? At that age they will do what their friend wants them to do not what the friends mum wants them to do.

I just remembered . . . with another boy it turned into a threesome! I kid you not! One of them got pregnant, didn't know who the father was due to the previous boyfriend.

I know not all kids would get up to this stuff but most did where i grew up unfortunately.

That's what makes it such a ridiculous suggestion to me.