14 year niece and her new boyfriend

[sweetsoulsister]

I got a call from my sister yesterday and I have been silently fuming since...and I'm trying hard not to.

My niece (14) has her 1st boyfriend (16). My sister lives in the country and drove my niece into town to meet up with said boyfriend, (she had not met him yet.) He drives and one of the stipulations was that my niece was not to go in the car with him - they were allowed to go for a walk but not a drive. As soon as he showed up that rule went out the window and off they went in his car. My niece was told to be back at a certain time, she showed up 45 minutes late during which time my sister said she thought she was going to have a panic attack.

My niece then asked if the boyfriend could drive her home instead of my sister and my sister agreed assuming they would follow her. They ended up showing up hours later. Apparently my BIL was not impressed and they 'grounded' my niece whatever that means.

My niece then asked if she could introduce the new bf to her grandparents who live 5 minutes away and off they go. At 10pm my sister phones her inlaws to see what's going on - my niece wasn't there. My cousin drives around and finds them parked down a country lane.

My sister just kept saying to me, 'I'm not ready for this.' I told her that she better get ready and deal with this before things get out of hand. Her only response seems to be a mild panic and she's thinking about insisting my niece's 14 year old best friend go out with them as a chaperone. There are no rules, my niece has no respect for my sister or my BIL (and never has tbh), and I can't help but think she is going to end up pregnant.

Am I Being Unreasonable to be so upset?

When dd meets up with boys for 'dates' she has to be in a group. At 14.6 we are only just starting to consider dates on her own and even then it will be strictly controlled and in public - so cinema/ice skating.

Letting a 14 year old go off in a car with a boy two years older seems daft as a brush to me...... That's just too much age difference at this age and there's too much room for exploitation - if she's in a car in the middle of nowhere then he could bring pressure on her to do stuff she isn't ready for - and she might feel obliged in order to get home after.

At this age it should be somewhat activity focused - going out to do things - skating, cinema, climbing.

YANBU - rules, boundaries need to be in place quickly. She would be grounded for getting in the car, let alone the rest. Her parents sound spineless.

I agree Laurie. As someone who felt and gave in to that pressure i completely agree.

I would show your original post to your sister. It would show her how concerned you are about her - that you've posted this about her situation, and give her a chance to look at the situation in blakc and white - what would you say to your friend if this happened?

You can then go through the post with her picking out this issues - if she's said that her DD couldn't go in the car, why did she not call her back or arrange for them to meet away from his car? Why did she agree that the boyfriend could drive DD home when they'd already ignored mum's request not to get in the car - they'd already shown that they couldn't be trusted! Why did she not stipulate that the boyfriend follow her home? etc.

Your sister needs to realise that actions have consequences - her actions mean that her DD is walking all over her, her daughter's actions currently have no consequences so her behaviour is deteriotating.....

Can you get to sit down with your sister on her own? Also, does she want help or is she just moaning about this situation? If she's not willing to put the hard work in and make any changes, it may not be worth your while to intervene.

Remember to involve BIL as well, the girl has two parents who should be stepping up and shouldering their responsibilities.

yabu. She's not your child. Why are you, and more importantly mumsnet, getting involved in making their opinions of this known? If this was a baby/toddler/slightly older child people would be saying that it was your sister's child and you should stay out of it.

No the behavior is not ideal but they are her parents - they are responsible for her actions - if your sister comes crying to you again tell her that she needs to take responsibility for her child and deal with it. But your own upset is completely disproportionate - 14 year olds have been behaving like this for decades. It's up to the parents to deal with it.

Personally, i could have really done with another caring and sensible relative to guide me. Perhaps i wouldn't have ended up drunk at parties with men more than 10 years older having sex with me. I was just 15. It was unprotected.

Are you upset because she comes complaining to you about her daughter's behaviour saying things like I don't know what to do about her. Also directly asking for your advice in dealing with her daughter, and then just ignores your advice?