To be annoyed at midwife for recommending I see a psychologist because I cried?

[longbay]

Would love your opinions on this one. Basically I've had the regular 5 or 6 antenatal appointments for DC2 and out of 6 of them I have seen 3 different midwives. None of them know me by face or name. Eg when I'm in the waiting room, they will come in and call my name and not have a clue who I am.
Although this isn't ideal, I do understand the whole shortage of midwives thing etc etc so I just accept it.
However what I do find hard to accept is when they pretend to know me, my history etc etc
Everytime I go they treat me like I'm a first time mum. I have to remind them that I have a DD 3 & 1/2.
Each different midwife has asked about my previous labour or my plan for this one.
Unfortunately I didn't have such a great experience first time round so I have some quite strong opinions about any future labors. For example, NO pethidine.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, after having to go through my story for the 100th time with a midwife who had only met me for 10mins and kept suggesting I should have pethidine, I ended up crying.
Please note, I was 37 weeks pregnant, tired, hormonal and having to justify myself to a complete stranger my choices for birth no.2.
Well, anyway, she then said I think you should speak to someone at the hospital. I naively thought she meant another midwife. And she said no a psychologist.

I have no issue with seeing a psychologist if required but I do not think that in this case that I do. How can someone who has met me for 10 mins possibly make that call.
I am now worried that because she has written on my notes that it will be what I am judged on when I go to hospital to have my baby.
I've got my nxt (hopefully last appt) next week and I was thinking about complaining and asking them to remove the referral from my notes.
What d'you reckon?

being ignored when it's important makes me cry too. nothing so frustrating as feeling your voice is just not being heard.

It seems rare for people to have identical birth experiences, so chances are your second will be quite different from your first. I had a bit of a tough time with my second, and felt traumatised for years afterwards. Subsequent birth was fine and I haven't felt bad about the second one since. Hope you have a better time with this one and it lays your fears to rest. Good luck, and don't lose sleep over the silly MW who handled your last appointment so clumsily.

I don't understand your point about 'being judged on this' when you have the baby. Lots of people see the mental health team during pg, it's quite a normal thing to do. Unless you then really need or request specific help, no-one is going to be offering it unbidden.

I saw them because a family history meant I had a statistical risk. I had a really nice chat, was given contact info just in case I wanted to call on them and discharged. It seemed unlikely I'd need them and I didn't but there are risks and it was reassuring to know they were there just in case.

I'm surprised at the MWs being keen on pethidine / diamorphine. Mine didn't query my saying I wouldn't want it and would prefer an epidural if necessary. In fact she was understanding of that and I'd arrived at that view from information given at MW-led classes.

Poor you, OP, but honestly, don't worry too much.

My doctor referred me to a psychologist at about 37 weeks with dd1 as I was a gibbering wreck following a traumatic birth with ds, & 'midwife led care' that meant I didn't actually get the same MW two appointments runnning until 8 months.

Dh hauled me in to the GP's surgery as I was frankly a bit nuts. Doctor briskly informed me I had one of the clearest cases of antenatal depression she'd ever seen, & she was referring me to a psychologist. I tearfully agreed with her (although sceptical that it'd help) & left feeling much better (because someone had actually listened to me & taken me seriously).

Since the waiting list to see the psych was 18 months, it's just as well my AND lifted as soon as dd1 was born.

I wouldn't worry too much about the MW's suggestion.

If she's recorded it on your notes, you can add what you've said here to the notes yourself?

You know, I think I'm with gordy, and I think it's quite likely she wasn't a bitch troll. This may have absolutely nothing to do with your circs whatever, but I think it's worth saying:

I think birth trauma is massively under-recognised/acknowledged. I think I suffered it with dd (baby no. 2). I didn't realise, for years until I read a thread here on mn, and something in my head went "ping".

If the midwife was someone trying to be a bit sensitive around a largely under-examined experience for women, I have a bit of sympathy for her. I thin I could have done with someone talking to me. Mind you, I didn't even realise myself for years, so I'm not sure I'd have recognised I could benefit from talking ...

That said, I can completely see that it did not come across at all well. And my situation probably has nothing to do with yours, anyway.

Anyway, I'm sure you're fed up with me blithering on, so I'll just wish you good night and amble off.

What a load of tosh Drucilla, glad OP sees that. I honestly think it's no big deal- you don't want to see a psychologist so say no thankyou. If you did want to see one, well, it probably wouldn't come to much anyway. I was referred to a mw specialising in mental health, she was lovely, I chatted to her once, had her phone number if I wanted to see her again... That's about it. At the time I was worried about stigma, records etc. But now I'm no longer a hormonal wreck I realise it's probably quite a good thing that these sorts of services are an option. And that's what they are- an option. Hope your birth goes well OP.

I agree, Gathering.

I didn't realise that I had undiagnosed birth trauma until I read about it on MN. It explained my utter panic when I found I was pregnant again, which I had not understood at the time.

Not saying this is the case for you, Longbay, but perhaps the MW was clumsily trying to help.

Also, remember your 'hand held notes' are temporary, they are not your permanent medical records. There's really nothing bad about seeing a psychologist though.

Really though, although this has clearly been handled badly, lots of women do need mental health support during late pg and post-natally who will never otherwise need this. The MW probably has a check list of warning signs and would rather be safe than sorry. That's better than failing to offer help and support - which is what it is. You can decline.

I dont think it uncommon to see different midwives and for them not to know who you are (and need to read your notes or ask you to know your history) they must see hundreds of women.

When the midwife came to me after DS2 was born she said they were going to keep coming to see me for 4 weeks instead of the usual 10 days (?) after birth as apparently i cried at one of my anti natal appointments. Not a problem, i had PND with DS1 and i didnt mind at all that they were going to keep an eye on me this time (No PND this time)

I think it is good they are looking out for you

Ignore Drucilla

I was suicidal during my pregnancy (severe sickness, spent most of it in hospital and my mum died - it figures), so SS were called in as a matter of course. They were absolutely wonderful and closed the case within about a week of me bringing DS home. Even if they do get involved you have nothing to worry about, they are there to help.

I think you got an insensitive midwife.

I cried at the drop of a hat throughout my 2 pregnancies, including the 2nd time when asked about my 1st birth (ended in emcs). My midwives were understanding about it, and accepted my explanation that I cry easily. I'm sure they must be used to women bursting into tears for no logical reason!

Just as you get crap midwives, crap dr's you get crap social workers so I can understand nobody ants to invite unnecessary attention from that department. I think that was what Driscilla was getting at.
I got referred to a consultant about a heart condition I don't have any more, just got him to give me a quick ring and it was signed off instantly, they don't want any more work than they already have in my experience.

I would tread very, very carefully if a healthcare professional is suggesting you have mental health issues right before you have a baby.

Noo one has mentioned mental health issues.

OP. Go see the psychologist. They are very good at helping you cope with situations both in the past and ones youare about to face in the future.

You had a really bad time with your previous delivery, I can't think it would harm you to discuss that with someone who can explore your feelings and how to cope. You are being passed from midwife to midwife and they know it's not ideal. An appointment with a psychologist will take about an hour. A whole hour with a professional.

My experience of psychologists (although not for giving birth) is that they can refer you on to other agencies to get practical help.

My first birth was horrific, I was pressured into having diamorphine which made me hysterical and then pressured into an epidural. I was too young to assert myself and ended up in pushing for hours with no result and had every intervention you can think of. DS1 almost died. Well he did but they revived him. Reasonable or not it coloured my view for further labours and I have resolutely stuck to a birth plan of no drugs aside from gas and air for my subsequent 4 births.

If any midwife had dared suggest that I needed psychological help because I preferred not to have certain pain relief I would have gone batshit let alone cried.

Unless your past experience causes a phobia that will have a serious detrimental effect on their ability to care for you and baby then its none of their business. If you were ruling out emergency intervention for example or had a phobia of pushing. Not pain relief preferences ffs.

She was presumptuous, explain what happened next time your seen and tell them that you aren't concerned that your aversion to a particular method of pain relief will have a significant effect on your birth so you don't feel the need for a referral thanks.

Good luck with your birth!

DrucillaDemelza

not helpful!!!!! last thing she needs to hear, c'mon!!!!

OP, I know how you feel.

My first birth was horrible, and not saying you have same issue but I was very scared 2nd time around. Forgot about MW, really
but if you have time "childbirth without fear" is a very good book to read to calm you down XXXX

second birth was a easy easy happy one, it can be done ! xxxx

Oh and don't even think for a second anyone would refer to SS for this, someone suggesting you see a psychologist for a particular birth fear is very far from suggesting you have MH issues! I've never heard of a baby being harmed by not having pethedine so there wouldn't be any reason for concern. Honestly what a suggestion!

I have the opposite problem, this is my 4th so every midwife I meet seems to assume I know it all and don't require any support.

In your case I would just scribble it out with a pen by myself on my notes. I have done this before and because I never see the sane midwife they all assume someone else has done it - it never been a problem. I even crossed out my 'agreed due date' as I hadn't agreed to it and my dates were different to theirs by a week. They never notice.

I think it depends on how
You came across, how you sated your views. I very much doubt they would re a psychologist just because of a few tears

I wouldn't worry about seeing the psychologist or any consequences of that.

I saw a midwife counsellor when I was ttc DC2, as after a horrible experience where DS1 nearly didn't make it, I wanted to know my chances of a 'normal' delivery. The consultant suggested I saw the midwife counsellor and I ended up going three times and going through my notes from delivery 1 in detail, talking about feelings. I didn't actually realise how close it had been to losing DS1 until we went through the notes. I found it hard but actually very useful. I am normally one who poo-poos the use of counsellors but actually it was great.

YANBU

She sounds like a very poor listener. It is totally reasonable to be wary of a drug with which you have had such an awful experience. What is more, some hospitals won't give pethidine during labour at all. The hospital where I had Dd1 had that policy.

I am another person who can be driven to tears by sheer frustration when someone is trying to override my wishes and refusing to listen. So my sympathies! I reccommend that you follow QueenofPlaid's excellent advice.

Your birth plan is your expression of your wishes for the birth- it's not something the mw should be pressuring you over!

I don't think YABU in the slightest about your midwife and the fact that she's clearly not listening properly and you are fed up of repeating yourself. If you dont think a pyschologist is right for you, thats fine.

However I really must take issue with you over something. This sentence and your overall reaction to a suggestion of a pyschologist.
I am now worried that because she has written on my notes that it will be what I am judged on when I go to hospital to have my baby.

I have to ask the question: what is wrong with seeing a pyschologist and why do you think it is something to be judged over? I find the comment irratating and helping to create a taboo over pyschologists who are there to help women who need support. When people say stuff like that it holds back everyone who does need help. Its a judgmental comment in its own right.

A lot has to be done to break down stigma like this.

I saw a psychologist and hypnotherapist and that was all over my notes and I wasn't judged and nor should I have been

In fact it was fab because it brought to the attention of the midwives just how scared I was and they were so lovely about everything

I agree with the prev poster, it seems to be you who thinks seeing someone as a negative thing to be judged over tbh

Thank you everyone for your kind advice. I'm sorry went quiet but my bloody waters broke last night!!!
I can't believe it! After going 2 wks over & ending up being induced with DD1, I am now 2 wks early and may have to be induced! (sad)
Had to go in to hospital last night to be checked. They say everything's ok. They'll give me till wednesday am to go in to labour by myself. If not they'll recommend to induce.
Two things - induction last time was hideous and secondly I didn't really want an August baby cos of the whole school thing.
Sounds like a new thread coming here.....
The psychologist thing's never gonna happen now anyway!

Good luck longbay.

I too had a not nice birth with my DD (induction, EMCS, urinary retention) and personally I would welcome talking to a psychologist about some of the issues that I have had since then.