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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to avoid my ungrateful inlaws in my own house?

68 replies

CravingSunshine · 27/08/2012 21:41

We've already had it out and now it's bubbling up again. Anyone else got UNBEARABLE ones? With 2 babies and as a slightly reluctant SaHM, I spend most of the day doing tedious housework. When they come to 'help', instead of helping they play with the children and I do even more housework. They never ask me any questions about myself or anything else. In fact, I'm basically a conduit to the grandchildren.
Tonight I cooked a nice 2-course (was meant to be 3 but was too furious to do dessert) meal, served it up, served wine, cleared the plates and then did the entire wash up and cleaned the kitchen whilst they (including DH) sat in the dining room drinking wine and NOBODY offered to help. When I went back in to collect any more 'empties', I found FIL sitting in my chair. It's Goldilocks in its most extreme form.
So now I'm in a complete strop and can't be bothered to even try and converse but at 9.30 it's too early to go to bed.
Please can someone else share their horrendous inlaw tales.

OP posts:
openerofjars · 27/08/2012 21:59

Some of mine do this, so I don't clear up when I go to see them.

The rest are gorgeous and helpful, though, so I wash up at their houses when they've cooked.

Quid pro quo, Clarice.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2012 22:00

Inlaws are like dogs. They need to be trained

So you fix your MIL with a 'steely stare' when you want help with the vegetables?

And you describe inlaws as 'dogs that have to be trained'? Hmm

Did you not teach the dog you married to roll over and peel the veg?

CheshireDing · 27/08/2012 22:00

Did you mow him down Pancake Grin

OP buy a dishwasher and sod cooking a 3 course meal for them? Who instigated the visit and what was the description though?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2012 22:02

Custardo my FIL refused to start Xmas dinner at my house. Stood around like a lemon for ten minutes after we had all sat down. I realised why when he was still eating slowly and we were all clearing up. The last bite of food went into his mouth and EXACTLY the same time as the last dish was cleared away. He wants to come to us this year. He will not be.

nananaps · 27/08/2012 22:03

custy what do you mean they started without you????
Tell the tale?...curious.....

ravenAK · 27/08/2012 22:03

Much preferable to in-laws flapping around ineffectually gouging at carrots & putting things away in the wrong places IME.

I hope you just sit & drink wine when they ask you round, though, if that's the deal for guests as far as they're concerned...

On a practical level, have a word with dh re: it being his job to clear, scrape & stack, then bring you a huge glass of wine & boot FIL out of your chair. Washing up will keep until tomorrow.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 27/08/2012 22:04

On the other hand, there would be the etiquette that vistors don't act as domestic servants Grin

Plus if one person is in the kitchen the other person entertains the visitors.

Just throwing the devils advocate bone in.

OhNoMyFoot · 27/08/2012 22:05

mine started xmas dinner without me. I have mentioned this on many threads and will continue to do so.

Yes custy you still win Grin

Pancakeflipper · 27/08/2012 22:09

I did get him a glass of wine ( I know, I know, I am pitiful) BUT I made him wait a whole 20 mins. I did say he could get it himself but he didn't move.

My MIL did say to me later " I was expecting you to ram the bottle up his arse my dear."

FannyMcNee · 27/08/2012 22:10

People who expect help but don't ask for it can't really complain when they don't get it, can they?

And I think there's a lot to be said for visitors playing with the DCs. It's hard work keeping them entertained/occupied. I see the cooking and washing up as a break!

RandomMess · 27/08/2012 22:14

MrsTerry, that is just insane, all of that just to get out of helping!?!

exoticfruits · 27/08/2012 22:14

I don't see why you need to spend your time doing housework when you are a SAHM - or why you need to do it when they are there. I would just harness the help a bit more. If they come to play you could pop out and do the shopping and leave them to it. When you are cooking a meal ask one of them to do a specific job e.g. Peel the potatoes. Have you tried going out with them without DH or the DCs? It sounds as though you are in the habit of only relating to them through DH or the DCs and not for yourself. You could also say to DH 'I cooked the meal- you can clear up' and let him get on with it while you drink the wine.

Helenagrace · 27/08/2012 22:21

Actually worra the "dog" that I married is usually entertaining the children while dinner is prepared as his parents don't even do that. He's more than capable of cooking dinner. He works away during the weekend so he spends time with our children at the weekend.

I fail to see why it's unreasonable to expect my perfectly capable MIL to chop a few carrots whilst she is enjoying two nights free bed and board at my house.

Original poster
CravingSunshine · 27/08/2012 22:24

DH is generally excellent and totally supportive. He's also a great cook. Not sure what happened tonight.
Ok, yes I could have asked for help and didn't....We had takeaways one night already and we're a bit short on options where we live. I thought it would be nice to eat something healthy and home cooked.
What I don't get is that it's so OBVIOUS to me that when someone's shopped for and cooked dinner, then they shouldn't have to do all the washing up. Surely the 60's parents, pre-dishwasher, would have ingrained into them.
I don't completely agree that they are guests cluffy; there's something different about family. When we go to theirs, we work our butts off clearing up and helping out simply because it's there and needs to be done.
I think a lot of the in-law thing is how the two parents get treated. Son is golden boy but this wife of his is a difficult cow so let's not bother talking to her. Grr. Yes, let's all have some wine and forget about it. Thanks for responding! Good to let rip a bit.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 22:25

I would rather be in the kitchen slaving away alone than talking to my objectionable drunken, racist, tactless MIL! That can be DH's job! Give me the domestic slavery any day over that!

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 22:26

Sorry - too many exclamation marks there, I got carried away.

bobbledunk · 27/08/2012 22:27

I avoid that by not cooking or doing much for guests, it's much easier if you let them make themselves at home, show them where everything is, make their own tea (and get you a cup while their at it) etc.. for mealtimes a takeaway is the easiest option if you're staying in.

If you treat people like royalty, they'll treat you like their servant.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2012 22:29

What I don't get is that it's so OBVIOUS to me that when someone's shopped for and cooked dinner, then they shouldn't have to do all the washing up. Surely the 60's parents, pre-dishwasher, would have ingrained into them.

But again, what I don't get is why you're not annoyed with your DH for not washing up?

Why would you expect your PILs to do it before you expect your DH to do it?

Beamur · 27/08/2012 22:30

When we stay with my IL's my domestic goddess like MIL does all the cooking and all the clearing up....my help goes as far as ferrying plates to the kitchen. At our house I suppose I prefer to let my guests relax and DP and I will feed and look after them - but there again DP does most of the cooking, so I don't mind doing the clearing up. I wouldn't be too chuffed though if I had to do everything!

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2012 22:35

RandomMess he did. He also decided he wanted to go out for a walk before Xmas dinner. So far, so good. However, he wanted to go late which would set dinner back meaning that I had to fiddle with timings. He said he didn't want to go earlier because he was quote relaxing with his tea and chatting. I had been up since 5am cooking.

I was going to start a thread about him inviting himself for Christmas this year but was too scared. He lost his wife my wonderful, helpful and sweet MIL last year so I am being a bit of a bitch.

DoMeDon · 27/08/2012 22:37

Chop carrots for free bed and board. Guests (even family) should be looked after not prep their own dinner.

Tortington · 27/08/2012 22:41

Nannanaps

so dh and i do xmas day cooking together - all was almost done in anticipation

I gave DD a lift to her partners family house for dinner - twas quite a trip - i was gone for an hour.

In laws came early, impatient and DH dished out Xmas dinner

I walked in on them all eating Xmas dinner. DH is absolutely complicit as a grown adult being bullied by his parents the spineless fuck.

Oh and i have three grown up children - they bought two boxes of celebrations wrapped up - like what the fuck? make the effort to buy three or don't buy any - but buy two and miss my oldest out completely? i dont understand? i just don't understand how they think?

a few days later i paid them a tearful visit and said i thought they were really thoughtless.

SIL or BIL haven't spoken to us since, FIL and MIL call very occasionally for a quick coffee
suits me - the fuckers

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2012 22:47

Custardo that was way beyond rude! Shock

LindyHemming · 27/08/2012 22:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming · 27/08/2012 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.