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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell off another persons child.

43 replies

Daddy1001 · 27/08/2012 19:16

I'm kind of expecting a range of opinion here (including some who say yes just based on the title) so here's the story;
I went to the pub today for lunch, local village pub, fairly family friendly with a play ground (slide etc.). We'd had lunch and my wife and I were sitting at a table just next to playground whilst DD (3yo) played on the playground. I was keeping half an eye on her and she was walking up a ramp (to a bridge and eventually the slide) when a girl who was sitting at the top of the ramp (looked about the same age as DD) kicked/stamped on my daughters shin (seemily unprovoced, although I couldn't hear if DD said anything but she's fairly shy so I doubt it). It wasn't that hard, and DD just tried to step past (it was a fairly wide walkway) so I didn't do anything but kept watching. The other girl reacted to DD steping past her by punching DD twice in the chest then once in the face. DD covers here face up obviously crying so I ran over to check she was OK. I said to the other girl "No, we don't hit. That was naughty." or something very similar, admittedly in a fairly stern telling off voice but nothing more, and carried DD back to our table to check she was OK and calm her down. About 30 secs after I got back to our table I noticed the other girl was clearly a little taken back and shocked (although not crying) and was considering whether to go and try to find her parents with her (I'd assumed they still hadn't seen anything that was goin on). At that point her father came along and asked what had happened, so I told him she'd punch DD and went back to my own family. About 10-15 minutes later the girls father came up and started giving me grief for "getting in his girls face" etc. We had a bit of a fight in which it became clear he hadn't seen any of the incident and was just accepting what his girl said (for example when I pointed out his girl has punched my DD in the face he said DD had pinched her to provoke it - I know this hadn't happened as I saw the whole thing).
That's about it, ask questions if there's anything I've missed, to what extent AIBU?

OP posts:
FussArse · 27/08/2012 19:23

I don't know to what extent YABU as I can't read your post very well.

PLEASE for us old duffers who have left our glasses in the other room and CBA to fetch them....paragraphs? Pretty please?

TheSitChewAceChien · 27/08/2012 19:28

YANBU.

If the other girl was also around 3 years old, than her dad should have been watching her himself.

Can't really se what else you could have done.
Your DD needed to know someone was around to protect her, and his needed to know that her behaviour was "unasseptable"

CumberdickBendybatch · 27/08/2012 19:29

Of course YANBU! Aside from anything else your DD needs to see that you'll stand up for her. The parents didn't see the incident so it was up to you to intervene.

One thing though... Don't use the word naughty. You're safer saying things like "dont hit my dd, hitting isn't nice".

lovintheolives · 27/08/2012 19:29

YANBU... i have found myself telling off other peoples children in very similar situations before. If parents are not going to be responsible and supervise their children accordingly then these things are going to happen! good on you!

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2012 19:30

Of course YANBU

nancy75 · 27/08/2012 19:30

Yanbu, if people can't be bothered to look after their own kids then what else can you do? I would have told her off too.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 27/08/2012 19:31

I did more or less the same thing the other week. On a slide with 4 lanes, kids queuing nicely, all except this one rather 'sturdy' girl who is obviously used to using her weight to get her way.

She pushed in front of my DD and I told my DD 'Don't let her push in front of you, go in front of her, you were there first', which my DD did with no problem.

Then a few turns later, this sturdy girl, my DD and my friends very dainty DD all happened to come down the slides at the same time. This girl knocked my friends DD flying in her haste to get to the queue first. My friend didn't see it, but I did! I went and told her to calm herself down and wait her turn and stop hurting smaller children. She went crying to Grandma.

It is difficult in these situations to know which adults belong to which child, so YWNBU.

nancy75 · 27/08/2012 19:31

Why don't use the word naughty? Punching another child is naughty

bumperella · 27/08/2012 19:32

Nope, fair enough I think. Other parent should have been watching, he wasn't so you had to step in to do his job for him.

Three isn't old enough to be completely left to it /unsupervised as they all seem to be capable of being "mean" to others and of getting into ludicrous scrapes at that age.

QueenSconetta · 27/08/2012 19:35

I don't think YABU. It doesn't sound like you went over the score.

If other children are behaving unacceptably towards DD I often tell them off, although I wouldn't generally say 'you are naughty', usually an instruction to stop that etc in a stern voice.

Hypocritically I am not keen on other people telling DD off, but if she has behaved unacceptably then I suck it up.

Rubysmommy · 27/08/2012 19:38

Definitely not being unreasonable!!

OnlyWantsOne · 27/08/2012 19:40

Genuine question - why is naughty bad to use?

YANBU I have told children off in the past - especially when their own parents are there but choose not to bother parenting their children.

CumberdickBendybatch · 27/08/2012 19:41

Yes it is, but when you use words like that then that's all they hear. They also go running to parents saying you called them naughty.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2012 19:42

Yes it is, but when you use words like that then that's all they hear. They also go running to parents saying you called them naughty

So what? Confused

So parent comes and asks if it's true and you say "Yes, she punched and kicked my child"

NCForNow · 27/08/2012 19:44

Yanbu...it wasn't like you yelled at her! I think some people avoid "You are naughty" as it compounds a child's negative view of itself.

CailinDana · 27/08/2012 19:45

Yanbu at all although i'm wary of some children as their parents are scary! There is a child who goes to our local park who spends his whole time pushing other children and stealing things. When he approaches ds i just have to follow them around and literally stand between them. I don't say anything because i've seen his mother screaming at someone in the street and i don't feel like being on the receiving end of that!

Posterofapombear · 27/08/2012 19:45

I do this all the time, I also grab hands to stop them hitting. If you aren't watching your child it is tough luck.

And hitting is naughty although I do tend to say 'be careful' as that allows for the possibility that it is accidental behavior/high spirits rather than naughtiness.

chocoluvva · 27/08/2012 19:45

YANBU.
But sometimes reprimanding someone else's child leads to this sort of unpleasantness. It's a pity and not a good example for. the ranty dad's little girl.

Glittertwins · 27/08/2012 19:45

I had something similar on holiday when a boy had my DD backed up against railings and was hitting her. I shot over, as did the person with me to pull him off and tell him off. In our case, the boy's dad came over and made the boy apologise to us and DD though. I wasn't expecting that so it was a pleasant surprise. Another boy, about 12 yrs old also saw the whole thing too and said my DD had not done anything to provoke this either.

CumberdickBendybatch · 27/08/2012 19:46

It's bordering on namecalling I think (at least that's the impression I've had from parents when I've said it!). I've got no problem with it myself, but lots of people seem to and avoiding words like naughty it seems to reduce conflict.

If you've just said "stop punching my child" then what can the parents possibly complain about. If you day "stop punching my child, that's horrible" you'll have a fight on your hands with the other party shouting at you for calling their little darling horrible.

Hope that makes sense

OnlyWantsOne · 27/08/2012 19:47

The only time I've ever taken issue with another adult telling my dd off was when they then came to tell me "I've had a chat with your daughter. To be honest they are behaving like savage little fuckers"

Uh.... Hmm

We were in a soft play centre. Dd has squashed another kid whilst bundling around in a ball pit. She was about 4. Little fucker she is not.

chocoluvva · 27/08/2012 19:47

Surely it's okay to describe the behaviour as naughty?

pigletmania · 27/08/2012 19:47

YANBU at all, some parents think tat ther little angle can do no wrong

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain · 27/08/2012 19:48

YANBU. I have done the same thing - pretty much same situation, except older boys were being really nasty to a lot of the little ones, pushing, hitting, blocking slide etc - one deliberately kicked my DS in the back, so I went and had a chat with him! Strangely enough, even though I must have been there a minute or two there was absolutely no sign of any parent questioning why I was having a stern talk to their offspring, whilst holding a bawling toddler. Says it all really Hmm

pictish · 27/08/2012 19:48

Yanbu. I would have done the same. And have.

If my child behaved that way, that is what I would expect to happen. I would come over and apologise to you, and make nice.

He was a total donkey.