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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell off another persons child.

43 replies

Daddy1001 · 27/08/2012 19:16

I'm kind of expecting a range of opinion here (including some who say yes just based on the title) so here's the story;
I went to the pub today for lunch, local village pub, fairly family friendly with a play ground (slide etc.). We'd had lunch and my wife and I were sitting at a table just next to playground whilst DD (3yo) played on the playground. I was keeping half an eye on her and she was walking up a ramp (to a bridge and eventually the slide) when a girl who was sitting at the top of the ramp (looked about the same age as DD) kicked/stamped on my daughters shin (seemily unprovoced, although I couldn't hear if DD said anything but she's fairly shy so I doubt it). It wasn't that hard, and DD just tried to step past (it was a fairly wide walkway) so I didn't do anything but kept watching. The other girl reacted to DD steping past her by punching DD twice in the chest then once in the face. DD covers here face up obviously crying so I ran over to check she was OK. I said to the other girl "No, we don't hit. That was naughty." or something very similar, admittedly in a fairly stern telling off voice but nothing more, and carried DD back to our table to check she was OK and calm her down. About 30 secs after I got back to our table I noticed the other girl was clearly a little taken back and shocked (although not crying) and was considering whether to go and try to find her parents with her (I'd assumed they still hadn't seen anything that was goin on). At that point her father came along and asked what had happened, so I told him she'd punch DD and went back to my own family. About 10-15 minutes later the girls father came up and started giving me grief for "getting in his girls face" etc. We had a bit of a fight in which it became clear he hadn't seen any of the incident and was just accepting what his girl said (for example when I pointed out his girl has punched my DD in the face he said DD had pinched her to provoke it - I know this hadn't happened as I saw the whole thing).
That's about it, ask questions if there's anything I've missed, to what extent AIBU?

OP posts:

Bathjelly · 27/08/2012 19:50

Yanbu

RevDebeezWoodall · 27/08/2012 20:09

Just another YANBU.

I know you can't watch a child every second of the day but if another parent sees something and deals with it fairly you should accept it.

"About 10-15 minutes later the girls father came up and started giving me grief for "getting in his girls face" etc"

He was a bit slow of the mark really if he was that bothered, someone else at his table been goading him into taking a pop at you?

EntWife · 27/08/2012 20:12

I did a similar thing a few weeks ago. dd (2.5) got punched in the chest by an older boy at our local splash pool when she handed him back his ball. I intervened and used sterner words than you did. after a bit of soul searching and discussion on here I have decided I was right to do so and will do so again if the situation arises. I didn't get told of by his parents though. they were no where too be seen.

as people have said, if people don't want their kids told off by other parents then they need to be parenting them themselves.

spiderlight · 27/08/2012 20:16

YANBU at all!

topknob · 27/08/2012 20:20

I have shouted at two boys in a indoor play area who were pinning down my ASD son who is 10, they were younger but not by much. My actual words were 'Oi ! Get off him' They did and looked very shocked and parents were no where in site it turns out. I would do it again.

topknob · 27/08/2012 20:24

*sight

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 27/08/2012 20:31

I have done this recently when the parents just sat passively by watching the whole thing. Little boy was kicking a ball around and aiming it at people. I had my eye on him and when he thought he was going to kick it at me and dd's I shouted fairly loudly 'no! littleboy we don't kick balls at peoples' faces!' His parents definitely registered but to my annoyance they clearly thought no further input was needed from them. [lazy]

I remember your thread EntWife and I was behind you all the way!

Original poster

Daddy1001 · 27/08/2012 20:39

Thanks for the input. It's the first time I've had anything like that and I was a little unsure whether I'd overreacted. The concensus here puts my mind at rest. :)

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 27/08/2012 20:45

Oh I tell kids off all the time. My favourite line is "I'm watching everything going on over here and I'm NOT happy" then give a fixed stare.

Works well if you don't know the full story so you don't accuse anyone of something they haven't done and as my dc is also present it looks like I'm addressing everyone!

Corygal · 27/08/2012 20:53

Of course YANBU. They are tiresome. May I share my fave riposte?

Me - to strange child: Don't stamp on that baby's face please (or similar)

Strange child's parent: hey! That's my DS you're talking to

Me: So why aren't you looking after him?

Ideal for any milieu, from SW1 to the behind the bins at Middlesborough station (tested in both)

Shutupanddrive · 27/08/2012 20:55

Yanbu

poorfoxyloxy · 27/08/2012 20:56

oh, I have been on the other end of this, and it's soooo embarrassing, my little girl got told off good and proper by another parent for running around and carrying on and knocking over a whole rail of clothes (which were for sale) and then bringing down the side of a marquee!!!

It was at a festival where the kids generally do get a bit feral anyway, but she eventually came back to me in tears and retold the story how she was chasing someone and she got into trouble for it. It wasn't until later I was told how she trod on a dress, tipping over the rail of clothes, then stepped on the end of a marquee and brought the side down. sheesh!!

I was embarrassed but my daughter had been warned three times to stop running around, I do think she learned her lesson, I hope!!! She got grounded to the tent for a while for it as well. I think it's important that everyone who sees kids doing wrong pulls them up on it. I know some people can get their nose out of joint because 'darling little so and so couldn't have done anything wrong' and some people get off on telling kids what to do, but I think they are in the minority.

Perhaps if more people did this kids would be better behaved?

I work in a school and have to tell kids off all the time, but I am a softee really so I am in the CATSDONTCARE book and tell them, "I've seen it, I'm not happy" and that usually quells any upheaval!

chandellina · 27/08/2012 20:58

Yanbu, there's nothing wrong with telling children not to hit. I am continually telling children in the playground not to throw sand, etc., and recently silenced a group chanting cruel things to another child. Parents who would object to such a minor thing are either looking for trouble or unacceptably lax.

tryingtonotfeckup · 27/08/2012 21:01

YANBU, something similar happened at a soft play do us today, older boy sat on DS1 not letting him up and then he had 3 kids shouting at him. DH intervened and told them to stop.

We discussed it and DH said that he would shout at them if they did anything else, I advised not to, if needed tell them to stop, x etc is not nice etc just in case their parents were arsey. We kept an eye on them and nothing else happened but I'm made sure they that knew I was watching them.

I'd be careful with my language, not to the extent of not using the word naughty but if any parent queries me I will say if they don't like it, they need to keep an eye on their own children and not expect others to have to do it.

BlingLoving · 27/08/2012 21:01

I'm a believer in the community raising children, so YANBU. Obviously, there are lines, but telling a three year old not to hit falls well within the "right" side.

I opened my bedroom window and firmly told the child, about 6, who had just tossed a juice packet into my driveway to pick it up. He wasn't happy but I hope in a few years if ds does that that someone tells him off. I don't want him thinking he only has to behave if me or dh are actually there.

Goldenbear · 27/08/2012 21:13

No, yanbu if the girl punched your DD, I have intervened for far less. Last week I said something to a group of girls at the park. There were 5 of them ages ranging from about 4-10 years old. It is a seafront play area and a cafe sits behind it where their mums were having a coffee. The older ones I think had been put in charge of the younger ones but they were as immature. They were running about the place as if it was there for their exclusive enjoyment, pushing children put of the way, no idea of queuing for slides. One of them pushed past my DD aged 16 months who was climbing the steps for the slide, the girl was about 4 and I had to move DD as she would've kicked her in the face- I asked her to be careful. She stared blankly at me. My DS who is 5 was on the bigger slide that is on a castle style climbing frame so you have to climb a ladder not steps. It was very busy and children were slowly climbing the ladder in the queue waiting their turn, a different girl from the group - 6ish, pushed past the children waiting, including my DS who lost his grip and fell off the ladder onto the children behind him. He is good at sticking up for himself and said, 'hey I was next', the girl frowned at him and proceeded to climb up the ladder. I reinforced what he had said and added that she had hurt him, she then frowned at me and continued to do so every time she went past me.

Later on I saw them chucking sand where a lot of toddlers where playing and a mother marched over and made a big show of moving her toddler son from the area who was crying- presumably because he had sand in his eyes! The mums were back in the playground then and didn't say anything to their daughters or apologise to the woman but when she was out of earshot they were mocking her and loudly proclaiming that she was OTT. I am not going to this play area again until the autumn as IME it always troublesome in the summer holidays! These particular girls were told to get their buckets and spades as they had to leave to drive home, there was protest and the mum's proclaimed they had to had to leave as it was 1.5 hr drive. I waved to the girl frowning at me!

TandB · 27/08/2012 22:19

YANBU

If a parent doesn't want their child to be "subjected" to any sort of discipline from other parents then they need to watch them a bit more closely to make sure the situation doesn't arise.

I don't shadow DS1 (3) at the soft play centre we go to as he is good about queuing/not pushing/not getting involved in argy bargy. But if he ever does do something unacceptable then I will have absolutely no problem with another parent telling him off if they are closer or if it is their child who is involved. I would obviously object if they swore at him or were agressive, but I wouldn't get into an argument about the exact wording they used because that would be imposing my own personal parenting preferences on someone else when I wasn't there to make sure they didn't need to intervene.

In my view, you lose the right to dictate the exact manner in which someone else speaks to your child (within reason) the moment you make the decision not to supervise them closely.

sashh · 28/08/2012 07:46

Use the line; "Stop. I can do that to you and I'm much bigger than you and it will hurt more".

If the parent complains that you have threatened their child you say, "No, I told them I could copy their behaviour, I never said I would, and if your child wasn't doing anything wrong then why are they worried I might copy them?"

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