To worry about my DD becoming spoilt and entitled

[WhyTheBigPaws]

DD is 10 and is basically a good kid - nice manners, doing OK at school etc etc - but she is becoming very blase about treats, trips out etc and, to use a MN favourite word, a bit 'entitled'. I know some people will think we've created this problem by being typical middle class parents and I don't expect a great deal of sympathy but I would like to know if I'm BU to expect a bit more thought from her.

We're not rich by any means but are OK. We try hard not to spoil DD but like most of our friends we've had a week away in the UK this summer plus a few days out. This means saving throughout the year, juggling annual leave, working hard before and after the holiday to make up for the time off and so on but she doesn't seem to give that any thought, just takes it all for granted and pesters for ice creams, meals out etc on top.

She also seems quite underwhelmed by things we do a lot of the time - eg I got her tickets to one of her favourite bands as a birthday present and we went to the concert on Saturday. I think she enjoyed it but she almost seem to shrug it off as just another trip out, no big deal - she hardly told DH anything about it when we got home and didn't even thank me for taking her.

It's the same with clothes shopping - she's incredibly fussy, even about school stuff, and doesn't seem to realise that buying new uniform costs enough without her pestering for branded trainers and a third new school bag in 4 terms. I expected to have to deal with this when she's a teenager but not at 10!

She's also very reluctant to put much effort into anything, dashes off homework as quickly as she can and never seems to take much trouble over anything. She's much worse at amusing herself in the holidays than she used to be - she'd prefer to sit watching TV for half the day than do anything creative. She will help around the house if nagged but doesn't do it with very good grace. It's as though she expects a nice life without having to do anything to earn it and I don't want her to grow up thinking that's how things are.

I was reassured when I spoke to friends that other kids are similarly thoughtless but I think they are old enough now to understand that nice things are earned and should be appreciated not taken for granted. I don't expect them to start behaving like adults but a little thought would be nice when people are working bloody hard to make life pleasant for them.

I want to address this before it's too late and the new school term seems a good time to introduce some rules/routines but I'm not sure how to go about it. DD can be lovely girl but I'm worried if we don't crack down on this she is going to become a spoilt little madam who expects everything handed to her on a plate.

My 11 and 9 year old are always very grateful for treats and they are also very appreciative when relatives give them things. I'm not quite sure what we have done to instil that except to perhaps make treats the exception rather than the norm and insisting on thank yous from a young age.

My DD is nearly 8 and is an only too. It is really difficult sometimes to get the balance right - you want them to have the things and opportunities that you didn't as a child, but things have moved on so far that there is always someone with some new gadget to keep up with and they don't realise the value of things.

My nephew has just given DD his 7yr old iPod, and she has a DSi which she bought herself last year with a combination of birthday and pocket money & £20-worth of Clubcard points kindly donated by Nana. I believe she may be acquiring her other nan's laptop shortly as they have just switched to iPads.

She is generally appreciative but occasionally has a moment of breathtaking 'entitlement', and tbh we tend to come down on her like a ton of bricks on those occasions. She is certainly familiar with the word 'no', particularly at this time of year as with her birthday in a few weeks and Christmas looming my stock answer is 'wait and see what the Birthday Fairy/Santa Claus brings you.'

OP - the fact that you are concerned enough to ask for advice means that she wont become spoilt and entitled because you wont allow it.

I do find that the more my boys have the less grateful they are as it becomes expected and the "norm" to them and not a treat.

A friend has merlin passes and so goes to Legoland ALOT. Her daughter stropped last time as she didn't want to go as she had been so much and my friend was mortified whereas my boys went this year and wont be going again for another couple of years now - they were SO excited. The reversed happened when we went to Pizza Hut for dinner.

OP, my biggest fear is that I will end up with two spoiled brats.

I'm constantly pointing out to my DC how advanatged they are, and despite the fact tjat we are pretty wealthy, they don't get what they want when they want it. DS has just got his first phone at 13, as his birthday gift.

That said, when I feel my anger build at how blase they are about their life, I have to remind myself that this is their reality. None of it has been their choice and they don't know any different.

This is one of my big worries too. Me and DH had shit childhoods in many ways and times are very tough right now so I think we give them little treats too much - only cheap things like a game from the charity shop - but they are starting to expect it. Days out aren't a problem, as we can barely manage them physically as well as financially, so when we do go out it is a massive deal which she raves about for months after.

Possessions are what I worry about, they have too much stuff and don't look after it, and we only have ourselves to blame for that as we are messy ourselves.

This is sometimes inevitable with only children but once they reach teenage 16 ish in our case I just said allowance money only and any extras find a job. Ds is 18 now and no job! Never really looked initially and now can't find one but this has taught him the value of money and he is a lot more grateful for cinema trips meals clothes etc. he had definitely become blasé and still is sometimes untl I give him the look.

"It's as though she expects a nice life without having to do anything to earn it and I don't want her to grow up thinking that's how things are."

Some DCs are like this. My DSS1 (17) had a massive strop this weekend because we told him he would need to do his own laundry and re-packing between two holidays (one with us to Corsica, another departure two days after return to Italy with his grandmother) and to get himself to the airport...

The thing is if you give them a nice life it's all they know.

I think that there are ways of showing them that not everyone has a nice life, and that is also very important to push your DCs beyond their comfort zone very regularly, in many different directions.

We have always done this tbh but they still know they can access a certain standard of living via parents . Ds is 18 now and so we can see that a lot of it has sunk in and he is considerate and aware of how people's lives differ but before this age it was very difficult to see any hope you just need to keep showing them what's right and it will sink in.

OP I am so glad you posted this thread! I currently have an issue with my 2 eldest having a huge sense of entitlement, well mainly the eldest really, and no matter what we do/say it just doesn't change.

Dd1 is the worst; she takes everything for granted and has crying tantrums like a baby if we tell her no or she doesn't like what we have to say. No amount of confiscating items/making her have early bedtimes/making her do chores changes this. I think she is spoilt as she was an only child for almost 6 years. Also when she goes to her biological dads house he allows her to do as she pleases, as does her dads mum. My mum also let's her do as she wishes, as she undermines me on purpose. If I tell dd the sky is blue my mum will say to dd that it's pink. She just does it on principle to get at me. So I feel like we are coming up against it from all sides really. Everything is a battle. Even getting in the car to go for a day out or a meal we will be waiting for her for half an hour as she'll deliberately get in the shower just as we're going.

Dd won't do any chores in the house. Anything she is asked to do is met with tantrums and crying for hours on end. She winds up her younger siblings in purpose. And she is never grateful for anything, she just expects it. Dd2 is picking up her habits now but she is easier to crack down on and she takes more notice of discipline.

I hope you don't me hijacking your post. I am at my wits end and can't seem to change things.

Not at all, I'm sorry that you're having a tough time. I guess we make a rod for our own backs by giving them such a nice life but you want to do your best for your kids don't you. It's very difficult.

That is exactly it, Bigpaws, we do things that we think are nice then it backfires. I think the younger generation just has so much these days, far more than we ever had. DD's best friends are both from families that are ver badly off financially and her friends are so much more appreciative than dd. Its so hard to go back when they've always had/done a decent amount isn't it?

My other concern with the youngsters in our family is having them appreciate the sort of world they're growing into before it's too late. They all take new clothes, gadgets, holidays, being run about in cars etc etc pretty well for granted because we have decent incomes and pensions and - to be fair - shelter them a bit financially by making the tougher decision for them. Maybe shelter them a bit too much by covering over problems.

They're facing the prospect, though, of working until they're 75 (if they manage to get a permanent job), having to choose between pension and housing (if indeed they get that choice) reduced services, less goodies, less......

I'm trying to acclimatize them but it's not sinking in.

That's my problem with DD, cozie, not just that she takes material stuff for granted but that she doesn't seem to want to make much effort - she is lucky in that she's a reasonably pretty girl with quite an easy going personality and is fairly clever so she doesn't have to try too hard to make friends, do well at school and so on but she doesn't seem to realise that just doing OK is not going to be enough...

She doesn't sound spoilt to me. Pretty balanced.

It sounds like she isn't that enthused about outings you've chosen, maybe she needs to choose, though she may choose nothing. Maybe you should plan for outings & holidays you like whether she's enthused or not, and be satisfied with your experience.

How often do you go clothes shopping for yourself? What example are you setting?

I am such a meanie. Mine only get gifts from me at Birthday or Christmas, it was pretty hard to implement that but they accept it now. They get regular pocket money to save up for things they want, rest of the time. PocketMoney contingent upon chores, although they can earn extra (rarely bother).

She's 10! Why shouldn't bumbling along be good enough for now? No sane 10yo enjoys homework. I've got a 10yo who likes being self-organised & creative with homework, but it comes easily to her, which is very unusual for the age. Terrible hair- & teeth-pulling to get half the amount of effort out of my DSs. Most children are easily screen addicted. Put a limit on screen time if you think that's best.

That's what I wanted to know, lljkk, whether I am BU to expect more from a 10 year old. Maybe you are right and there's plenty of time for her to knuckle down later in life.

I'm not sure with regard to the outings thing, when she stayed at my Mum's this summer she was given the choice to do whatever she wanted (within reason) and couldn't think of anything. That came across to me as someone who was too blase about trips out etc.

Re clothes shopping, I don't go that often but I am guilty of turning it into a social event when I do and I probably spend too much time on fashion blogs and the S&B forum here so maybe not a brilliant example...

She doesn't sound spoilt, just a normal 10 year old. I would keep dong what you are doing and encourage and model how you want her to behave and she will be fine.

She sounds like me at 10 OP.

And the bit about dodging housework and wanting to watch TV rather than do anything 'creative' sounds like me now.

If she's a nice kid and you can afford it, what's it to do with anyone else?

As you say, people on here love to sling about the word 'entitled' when they're judging other people.

Seems like some MNers are in bubbles where seems every child has to work hard, 11+ counties. Anecdotal: all I know is that I & DH both bumbled along in primary school, started to self organise in early high school yrs, & were both very high achievers by time we started Uni. Pressuring us wasn't the right way to achieve that, it had to come from within.

My 4 DC will stay at home & do NOTHING given half a chance, too. I end up having to cajole to get them out. The only types of outings they might get enthused about are very expensive. There's this thing where child brains turn teenage, they can only get pleasure out of fairly exciting events, stuff like digging dams on beach or a walk in the woods has no appeal any more (unless whilst there they can vandalise something or watch people shagging each other ). I wonder if the apathy we see is the beginning of those teenage brain changes.

DD (rising 11) also considers herself very into fashion, she berates me for not being similar, but she rarely asks for anything specific & most of her clothes are cast-offs, too. She's got a terrible greedy streak, so why so is she acquiescent? Conditioning because she knows I will not buy her something on a whim? Is it partly because I rarely shop for clothes, I am the way I am, the example I set?

She sounds normal to me. She's only 10, as long she's doing her homework, what's the problem? She will have plenty of time to worry about extra study in a few years when she's doing her GCSEs or A Levels.

I don't think many 10 year olds will really understand the whole thing of juggling annual leave and saving for holidays. Many people have no concept of how much money is needed to pay basic bills etc until they are much older and living independently.

Just say no. And mean it/stick o it no matter how hard. I often have said to ds no we can't afford it even if we could.

If I say no to my eldest DD she starts screaming and tantrumming like a baby. She is 13. Sometimes her tantrums and screaming last a whole day. She will have tantrums for days on end until she gets her own way.