Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask my Dh...

35 replies

mintsauceandgravy · 27/08/2012 07:58

To not come home when he's shitfaced?
Ok, background, I have huge dad issues which Im having counselling for (he had a drink problem). Dh goes out to the pub often, its fine, he comes home sober and all is fine. But when there is occassions (ie a wedding reception last night) he gets monumentally plastered. He's a wonderful man but has got form for being a bit strong willed when hes had too much to drink. And it terrifies me. More so i think than if i didnt have my own violent drunk father background. Dh's parent live approx 10 min walk away and I have asked him to stop there when hes drunk because I do not want it around our DD who is 3.

He thinks Im unreasonable to ask him to do this as its his home too. which I understand. But the frightened kid in me is screaming keep it all away from DD and protect her (as my own mother couldnt)

I know the counselling will help me resolve some of these issues. The 3 of us have a wonderful relationship otherwise and DH is very supportive of the steps I have taken so far.

Its just the drink that I hate.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fakershakermaker · 27/08/2012 08:05

Yanbu

nilbyname · 27/08/2012 08:05

what do you mean by "strong willed"?

Original poster
mintsauceandgravy · 27/08/2012 08:11

He can get angry about little thing quickly. Also he can become incoherant and clumsy which annoys him. I dont want to paint him as a monster, hes a great man but hes not him when drunk and cant conduct himself properly

OP posts:
JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 27/08/2012 08:20

He's a silly, affable drunk rather than a violent one?

Make him sleep on the sofa!

nilbyname · 27/08/2012 08:20

If he is "not him" when he is drunk and does the things you say then I would say he should not be getting into that state as he cannot control himself.

Too many red flags...I would be worried-

WelshMaenad · 27/08/2012 08:22

YANBU. I have issues with drunkenness due to an incident in childhood. My DH never gets that drunk, he just gets silly and chatty and a bit tipsy. But if he did I would not want him in our home. You're not just asking to be difficult, does your DH fully understand how badly it affects you?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 27/08/2012 08:22

Cross posted.

diddl · 27/08/2012 08:24

YANBU.

Being frightened/wary of an angry drunk-I don´t think that that´s unusual or an issue tbh-sounds like self-preservation to me!

And I can quite see why you don´t want your daughter to see it.

If he any sense he wouldn´t want to subject you or your daughter to it either (imo).

PedanticPanda · 27/08/2012 08:26

Yabu, it's his house too and he shouldn't have to sleep somewhere else - sorry to be harsh but these are your issues here not his, why don't you stay somewhere else if he's been drinking if it's such a problem? Has your dh ever became violent when drunk?

mummytime · 27/08/2012 08:26

No one has to get drunk. If he really loved you, and understood why this is such a problem for you, he would do his best not to upset you this way.
I would suggest either some joint counselling, or you talk to Alanon to get advice from others who understand how you feel and may have tips on how to explain it to your husband.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 27/08/2012 08:27

Is he a regular drunk (ie Friday night every week with the lads) or a one-in-a-blue-moon at wedding sort of drunk?

milkymocha · 27/08/2012 08:33

I did exactly the same tjing.
Yes its his home too but, your child deserves a lovely peaceful sleep, with no disturbances and not to wake up in the morning and find a hungover, smelling dad on the sofa.

YADNBU

FanjolinaJolie · 27/08/2012 08:37

YABU

ErikNorseman · 27/08/2012 10:16

YAnbu at all.

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2012 10:22

PedanticPanda - are you mad? It's the OP's partner who's causing the trouble - why should she have to stay somewhere else so that he can come home stinking drunk?

I think he probably doesn't want his own parents to see him like that. Would he have to be a bit more careful if he was sleeping there?

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Who the hell would want someone coming home like that? You are right to be scared and he should appreciate why you - or anyone - would be.

Original poster
mintsauceandgravy · 27/08/2012 10:46

Im really greatful for all the comments, I find it difficult to see the wood for the trees sometimes about this. He did sleep on the sofa and we've spoken this morning. He said "im not your dad tho" a few times and altho I get that, he does need to meet me half way. which Ive told him. Incidently he hasnt been violent but can be aggressive, which to me is the same thing. Im so relieved to see that most think Im not BU. Thank you x

OP posts:
PedanticPanda · 27/08/2012 10:46

He doesn't get blind drunk every weekend, the OP said it's rare that he gets that drunk and I can't really see what he's done wrong, he gets clumsy etc when he's drunk...?... Well who doesn't?

The OP hasn't said he's coming home and waking their daughter up, nor has she said he's violent, but now and then "on occasion" he gets drunk and is "incoherent and clumsy".

The OP should maybe go to counselling and speak to a professional to overcome her issues with her father rather than punishing her husband by telling him he can't come home if on occasion eg at a wedding he gets drunk.

pumpkinsweetie · 27/08/2012 10:50

I would say you yabu in normal circumstances but due to your past and the memories it may bring yanbu.

What do you mean by "strong willed"-iym voilent or agressive yadnbu

Original poster
mintsauceandgravy · 27/08/2012 10:52

Panda if you had read my post you would see that I am in counselling already.

OP posts:
Cherubim · 27/08/2012 10:55

Panda, why have you missed out 'strong-willed' and 'aggressive' from your description? Those are both things that the OP had mentioned. It's not just scary if your partner has you up against a wall, you know. Threatening and aggressive drunks are horrible.

OP, yanbu.

MrMiyagi · 27/08/2012 11:22

Yabu for projecting your father's behaviour on to him. Yanbu if "strong willed" is a euphamism for aggressive and confrontational, rather then meaning he doesn't just obey your every order. Only you know the reality.

DialsMavis · 27/08/2012 12:00

Yes, it's your problem and fault that your husband is aggressive when drunk, you and your DD should just put up with it...
Hmm WTF is wrong with some posters on this thread?

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 27/08/2012 12:22

I too have a difficulty around very drunk men, they set me off in a panic. This was due to growing up in a violent alcoholic led household. I don;t think it would be unreasonable for him to stay with his parents when he has had too much to drink.

TheMonster · 27/08/2012 12:33

Yanbu. I often make do sleep on the sofa where he can piss himself as much as he wants. I was a bit annoyed at being called a horrible cunt for getting him a kebab the other night.

mamamibbo · 27/08/2012 12:39

yanbu,dh isnt agressive when drunk but i still dont let him sleep here, i have 4 children to look after already without him drunkenly banging about walking them up,snoring like a rhino or dying of a hangover so he stays at his brothers until he is well enough to cope with us all, i'd rather look after the children alone that get annoyed at him for being useless anyway

Swipe left for the next trending thread