Aibu to ask my Dh...

[mintsauceandgravy]

To not come home when he's shitfaced?
Ok, background, I have huge dad issues which Im having counselling for (he had a drink problem). Dh goes out to the pub often, its fine, he comes home sober and all is fine. But when there is occassions (ie a wedding reception last night) he gets monumentally plastered. He's a wonderful man but has got form for being a bit strong willed when hes had too much to drink. And it terrifies me. More so i think than if i didnt have my own violent drunk father background. Dh's parent live approx 10 min walk away and I have asked him to stop there when hes drunk because I do not want it around our DD who is 3.

He thinks Im unreasonable to ask him to do this as its his home too. which I understand. But the frightened kid in me is screaming keep it all away from DD and protect her (as my own mother couldnt)

I know the counselling will help me resolve some of these issues. The 3 of us have a wonderful relationship otherwise and DH is very supportive of the steps I have taken so far.

Its just the drink that I hate.

AIBU?

Gosh, I'd be more than 'a bit annoyed' if my OH said that to me Eeyore.

I can fully understand why you are so uncomfortable havng DH home when he so drunk that he is clumsy and angry with himself.
Congratulations on being brave enough to have counselling for your childhood trauma. It is not suprising you feel this way about him coming home drunk.

The question is, will your child suffer more by you asking your DH to sleep at his parents than by seeing him drunk or hungover.

The best solution is for your DH not to get so drunk, but only he can chose to do this. Your responsibility is for your child. Perhaps on evenings when you know he will be that drunk you and her could go away on a special treat so she is taken away from the situation completely.

Your DH is right that he is not your dad,but perhaps he could attend one of the sessions with you so he can fully understand the damage your dad did and the fear you have for your child.

There are books for children of alcoholics, perhaps you could get one for your DH to read? Not saying he is an alcoholic,but it will help him understand.

Good Luck

YANBU!!

I have thrown my DP out for the night when he was too drunk to be reasonable. I have also text him and told him not to come home when it has been clear that he is too drunk to be around.

I shall continue to do so, probably about twice a year.

YANBU

To be honest, I don't think anyone should be rolling in blind drunk when they have children for loads of reasons.

You need to be coherent enough to deal with anything that might happen in the night and it's a really bad impression for children (and they will pick up on it, whether it's hearing the noise/shouting late at night or just getting the message 'daddy can't play/get out of bed the next morning because he was out last night')

As others have said you can have a few drinks and a good time without getting absolutely plastered. I think he should stop doing it full stop if it bothers you. My DH and I hate it when adults get beside themselves drunk so neither of us do it, for ourselves as much as it would make the other one really uncomfortable.

Why are so many people ignoring that the OP says her DH is aggressive when drunk? Is that normal then?

How good is your relationship with your in-laws ?

Would it be feasable for you to go to them when he intends to get/is plastered and tell them why ?

It stops the dynamic being a secret, and might work as a more effective brake on the getting tanked.

He might blow off your concerns, but would the idea of his parents having to put up his frightened wife and child (and be fully aware of why their son is causing her to leave the family home) maybe bring him up short long enough to think about limiting this behavoir ?

I don't think you should have to do the above, but if he won't listen to your concerns and he won't stay away when drunk, then a plan B will at least put some choices back in your hands and leave him open to pressures from others to be more responsible and self controlled.

If not his parents, then maybe mutual friends ?

You know what I don't get? All these people saying "well, if it's once in a blue moon...."

I don't care if it's once in 5 years! Nobody has the right to be a drunken arsehole to someone else. And I'd say the same to a man or a woman.

Absolutely agree cherubim, to me it's unacceptable full stop...