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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry I could never live another child as much as my first?

32 replies

louloutheshamed · 26/08/2012 19:26

I have a ds 19 mo. for a while dh and I have been discussing ttc dc2 in te new year, as his would give us about a 3yr gap (don't think I could cope with anything smaller) and I would be 'done' having babies before I'm 30. I am well aware that it might not all work out like this by the way!

However, recently I have been feeling unsure, as I honestly don't think I could love another child as much as ds. I know people say this is normal but I feel it may run deeper than that. My ds is so amazing, and when I envigase me with another baby I just sort of feel resentful of it. I have even had dreams where I have had another baby and have been disappointed that it wasn't as good as ds!

I know this is ridiculous but I also sort of feel that if it was a girl it would be easier as t would be different and I wouldn't be comparing them as much, but am more worried about the prospect of another ds, as I just don't k ow how he could live up to my ds now. I must sound horrible saying this!

At the same time, I am excited by the prospect of ttc, I loved being pg and I don't feel our family is complete yet. But is the fact that I am having these feelings mean that I am not ready to ttc? Will I ever be?

OP posts:

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 26/08/2012 19:28

I have three DC and they are all my favourite for different reasons. They are all very different, but all equally special.

welliesandpyjamas · 26/08/2012 19:28

Your love doesn't halve, it doubles. [philosophical moment]

MrsHelsBels74 · 26/08/2012 19:29

I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant with my second & I worried about this the whole way through my pregnancy. I posted on here about my concerns & people have reassured me that you just do, you love the second as much.

I'll let you know in a few weeks!

Doneinagain · 26/08/2012 19:45

Oh OP please don't worry. I was in a similar situation as you, became pregnant with my second DC when my first was just 12months, it wasn't planned.
I was terrified I wouldn't love the second child as much and guess what......I had nothing to worry about.
My second DC is now a year old and she lights up my life every bit as much as her older sister. And when her older sister is throwing the mother of all tantrums, little DC always finds a way to make me smile. She is just getting her own personality and it is full of joy. So please don't worry.... Go forth and multiply!

GracieGirl · 26/08/2012 19:48

I have a 2 year old DD (who is fantastic, barmy, and completely brilliant) and I had a DS 4 months ago. I agree with the comment that your love doesn't half it doubles. You'll be fine.

I worried about being away from DD to have the baby. In the end I had a very quick labour, practically gave birth in the doorway of the hospital and left 6 hours later. DD didn't notice I'd gone out!

I did miss my DD during my husbands paternity leave as I was stuck breastfeeding. 24 hours a day. But once DH was back at work it all seemed to work out fine.

I love them both equally. They are completely different but both brilliant!

Good luck!

ZonkedOut · 26/08/2012 20:38

It's a very common worry, but no matter what people say here, you'll still have your doubts. The only way to get rid of them is to find out for yourself!

I worried about the same thing, but when you have DC2, you'll realise.you don't have a fixed amount of love, you have an infinite pool of love that expands as you need it to!

hermioneweasley · 26/08/2012 20:42

I believed the same, would happily have stopped at one etc, but I love DD so much I just want to eat her up. I wouldn't have believed it possible but it is. You will be the same.

deemented · 26/08/2012 20:48

Oh lovely, please dont worry.

As previous posters have said, your love for your dc doesn't halve, it doubles. You'll discover a whole new unending resivoir of love for your babies, you'll love the baby because it's this whole new human being, and then you'll love your elder child in a whole new way because they are the big brother - they'll carve a new niche for themselves and you'll see them in a new, amazing light.

Honestly - i'm on number five and i couldn't say i love one more than another - i love them all incredibly deeply but in different ways and for different things.

Chin up lovely, it'll be fine. It will

Bellyjaby · 26/08/2012 20:53

I worry about this sometimes. When DD is being just adorable I often think how can I love anything as much as you. DC2 is due in 4 weeks, and the thought scares me. But I spent a lot of my pregnancy with DD wondering how maternal I'd be and if I'd love her enough, so I'm trying not to worry. I'm sure I'll love DC2 just as much as DD. I'm sure you'll love you DC2 as much as you love DC1.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 26/08/2012 20:58

No, feeling like this doesn't mean you're not ready to TTC. It just means you love your ds!

Believe people when they say the way you are feeling is normal, they are telling the truth. Your love really does double, and believe it or not, you somehow find even more love for the first because they become your first and not your only, and now they are part of a sibling relationship too. And this happens at the same time as you find equally as much love for the new baby. You really will.

Spookey80 · 26/08/2012 20:59

I always feel strange when I hear this ( not to sound rude) as I am the youngest of four siblings, so it makes me think that going by this I was the least loved!
My parents love us all equally, and for me the benefit of having three different siblings is huge. I thank my parents for this.
I currently have 2 dcs and wanted my children to have siblings because of the great effect having siblings has had on my life. Seeing the relationship that is growing between my two each day is truly gorgeous, and I know that they will always ( if we are so blessed) have each other. I'm not ruling out further children for this reason.
So IMHO you're child will thankyou in the long run. Think of the benefit for them.

The3Bears · 26/08/2012 21:04

I felt like this alot and it put me off having another child for a long time, then I fell pregnant and at first I was distraught and very upset thinking I couldnt love another child as much as ds (who is 5) as my pregnancy progressed all this worry dissapeared and ds2 is now 10 days old and it was love at first sight with him :) I feel so close with him already and im so happy we have 2 children now.

apostropheuse · 26/08/2012 21:05

To be honest I think the majority of women expecting their second child think what you're thinking - at least the women I know did, including myself.

Your feelings are perfectly normal, so you're not unreasonable. However, I am sure your worries will prove unfounded once you have a second child.

Each child born is loved and valued for the person they are. They will never take the place of a firstborn, but that's ok because they have their OWN place. Trust me, you will adore your second every bit as much as your first.

hugoagogo · 26/08/2012 21:09

I remember feeling like this so vividly and my 'baby' is 10! Before dd was born I just could not imagine how I was going to love another baby like I love him. Of course I do.

It will be fine and you will be fine and you will be giving him someone else to love and be loved by.

itsatrap · 26/08/2012 21:10

Exactly what outraged said.

kittyandthefontanelles · 26/08/2012 21:11

My dad said each new baby brings the love with them. My dad rocks!

hugoagogo · 26/08/2012 21:11

By 'him' I mean ds (crap typing)

Lifeissweet · 26/08/2012 21:16

I worried and worried about this. There is a 6 year age gap partly because I didn't want to 'betray' my PFB.

Now I have 7mo DD and she is absolutely the best thing ever (since DS). Now I know how much I can love them both, I want another one! The love will just stretch and stretch!

gordyslovesheep · 26/08/2012 21:19

please don't worry - I have 3 and I love them all equally - they are all such individuals and, as others have said, hand on heart no favourites - they are all vile and brilliant in equal measure !

kittyandthefontanelles · 26/08/2012 21:22

My daughter is nearly 10 months and we are planning to try to conceive soon. I know exactly what you mean about betraying her. That's how I feel. But I do want another and I want her to have a sibling too.

DaFreak · 26/08/2012 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZonkedOut · 26/08/2012 21:41

If you have another, not only will you love them both completely, but they'll love each other too!

Earlier, I was trying to explain something to DD1, and said at the end of it, "because Mummy and Daddy want you to be happy." DD1 replied, "I want you to be happy too, Mummy" and added, "I want DD2 to be happy, too". Awww.

Tinkerisdead · 26/08/2012 21:42

Oh i could have written this 6.5months ago. I kept worrying myself sick that i wouldnt love another child. I visualised myself forcing the feelings, practicing my happy face all whilst being torn with guilt for feeling like i should even contemplate another. My whole pregnancy with dc2 was more about giving dd1 the sibling she'd begged for rather than a real desire for another baby. I just felt i should, that i didnt want an only child but i had no real broodiness. I constantly text my friends with two saying i wont love it the same, its impossible.

I too thought a different gender may help the issue as they would be sooo different my feelings would be compartmentalised(?!) rather than trying to share love for two similiar children. My mind only knew what is was to have dd1 and so my imagination replicated all the scenarios i'd experienced with my first baby.

Then dd2 arrived. My god. I love her whole heartedly. Like i love my first. But they are polar opposites, where my mind duplicated my first baby, nature gave me a mirror image instead. She makes me broody for the first time. She makes me understand how a mother can love all her children the same but in different ways. She's easy, she's easy because i've done all the learning with dd1 and so i can just enjoy her personality shining through without the fears etc.

You love different things because they ate different children at different stages. I adore the cheeky innocence of my toddler whilst watching my baby desperately trying to crawl. The love really does double, everything you feel for dc1 just pours out if you again for the next. I promise.

lovebunny · 26/08/2012 21:43

don't they all bring their own bundle of love with them? i thought that was the case, but i only have one, so i can't be sure.

PiratesKnittingTreasure · 26/08/2012 22:00

See, I never worried about this at all, but I'm the 2nd of four and never felt there was not enough love to go around in our family - quite the opposite.

I was utterly thrilled to be expecting a miraculous 2nd baby and I adore both my boys, the small age gap means they're incredibly close too - its the best thing that ever happened to our family .

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