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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third time in a month this has happened. AIBU?

57 replies

dollywashers · 26/08/2012 10:14

I am a single parent. Been on my own since my kids were 19 months and 6 weeks. Their dad is not around and pays no child support.
For the third time in 6 weeks I've had someone say "oh I'm just like a single parent, my husband works away". Wtf! Husband working away is nothing like being a single parent. Firstly he comes back eventually. Secondly he is out earning money for your family so you don't have all the pressure of making sure there's enough money coming in. There are loads of other differences too.AIBU?

OP posts:
5dcsinneedofacleaner · 26/08/2012 10:16

Perhaps they are trying to be friendly - you know drawing on similarilties to chat about.

Llareggub · 26/08/2012 10:20

I find this annoying too, and my friend does it all the time and I find myself biting my lip.

But then, my ex has our boys 2 nights a week so I'm sure if I had a moan you'd think I was being unreasonable. It's all relative, I think.

I find it easier in my situation because I have got used to doing it all myself. When I lived with my ex I found it hard coping with his night shifts - maybe we just become superhuman after a break up? Grin

BeingFluffy · 26/08/2012 10:20

YANBU. My sister in law used to say similar things - her DH is a ship's captain earning loads, she had a live in au pair, cleaner that sort of thing. Big house, car and her MIL and others of her DH's extended family literally next door. Some people are utterly spoilt and stupid. Ignore them.

WinkyWinkola · 26/08/2012 10:22

Well, my dh works very long hours and is only around at the weekends. I'm certain it is nothing like being a single parent where you have nobody to discuss your dcs and any problems etc.

Yanbu op although I do find managing my dcs easier without dh around to undermine me assist.

TaggieCampbellBlack · 26/08/2012 10:23

So you are only allowed to feel lonely and abandoned and alone if you are skint then?

McHappyPants2012 · 26/08/2012 10:24

I wouldn't comment on who has it easier, because each family is different.

My sister has 1 child and is single and her little boy is a dream to look after. To me she has it easy especially as his father pay maintances and has him all day Saturday and over night.

I have 2 children and when dh is on afternoons shift I struggle.

Original poster
dollywashers · 26/08/2012 10:26

Don't get me wrong I think being a single parent is easier in some ways. I Only rely on myself so I don't get stressed when someone else hasn't done their fair share.

Just annoys me when people say they are just like a single parent when they are clearly not.

OP posts:
onemoreforgoodmeasure · 26/08/2012 10:26

I would imagine she's just feeling like her OH isn't around enough. Perspective is hard to get and she probably doesn't really know what it's like for you. So I'd take it with a grain of salt. Sounds like you could use some support though.

Original poster
dollywashers · 26/08/2012 10:27

Did I say I was lonely, abandoned or skint?

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 26/08/2012 10:28

Depends really...

My DP is self employed and currently not making a profit ( though hopefully that will change soon) he works about 90 hours a week and often has to work away...so I'm either on my own or he's sleeping, there's no money and I still get to wash his clothes and blooming tidy up after him, lol.

bragmatic · 26/08/2012 10:31

Mine used to work away and I'd often think "thank goodness I'm not skint and he'll be back eventually." YANBU

DoubleYew · 26/08/2012 10:31

Even if they are working loads, they still (hopefully) care about you and your children. That is a nice feeling single parents don't get.

tara0202 · 26/08/2012 10:34

I don't think YABU. My mum was a single parent for some of my childhood. My husband is away with work loads, its definitely not the same!

MammyToMany · 26/08/2012 10:35

I miss being able to pick up the phone just to chat about my day, I miss looking forward to someone coming home, it would be nice just once to have someone around during the night, even if they didn't get up to see to the baby I'd at least get a cuddle when I finally got him back to sleep. When I'm feeling rough I just have to deal with it, when all three dc are ill there is no one to watch then for 10 mins so I can grab a cuppa. I go to midwife appointments and scans alone. I would love some csa so I can finally buy some maternity leggings and not sit around in my pjs all day.

Being a single parent is so hard.

PenisVanLesbian · 26/08/2012 10:45

You're a barrel of fun to chat with, ain't ya? Hmm

If you spend weeks or months parenting alone, it is very like being a single parent in many ways. Obviously there are some differences, but you're still doing everything yourself with no help or support for long periods.
Sorry if that bursts your competitive misery "my life is harder than yours" bubble, but its true.

LineRunner · 26/08/2012 10:49

Fortunately, no-one's ever said this to me.

McHappyPants2012 · 26/08/2012 10:51

Cohabiting parents can also have money troubles. When dh is working its got to be an emergency before I can phone him. When he does get home 9/10 I am in bed as I have work myself in the morning.

Parenting is not a competition, parenting is hard

Itsjustafleshwound · 26/08/2012 10:56

Yabu and a bit oversensitive.

I don't think it was unrealistic to compare the two - there are differences, but not having support (be it financial, physical or emotional) is difficult.

Original poster
dollywashers · 26/08/2012 10:58

Did I say it was a competition? I don't think I did. I think married parents can have huge issues.

Did i say i was miserable? Certainly not. Im very happy with my little lot.

But a husband working away is not the same as being a single parent.

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 10:59

penis it's not true. No bubbles are burst

In the back of your mind you have someone there you know will step up to the Mark in times of trouble, as a lone parent you don't gave that reassurance.

PenisVanLesbian · 26/08/2012 11:03

you might. You might have a mother, or a sister that you can rely on, that someone else doesn't.

And so what anyway? It's called conversation. "How dare you say your life is like mine" is not good conversation.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 26/08/2012 11:03

It's about day to day emotional support I suppose>

Even if your DH is on the oil rigs/in the services/long distance lorry driving all over Europe you can't make that one phone call and have them home early to help in an emergency. They may be out of telephone reception of an evening and you can't have what traditional families have over dinner, discussing the day.

The principle parent does have long periods of being the only parent to hand, so yes, it is like being a solo parent.

Solo parent - much nicer term than a single one.

JeezyPeeps · 26/08/2012 11:06

I think it's comparable in some ways, actually.

The dad isn't there to be with the kids when you need a break/to go shopping
There is no one to chat to of an evening when the kids are in bed.
All housework/shopping/house repairs and maintenance etc needs to be done by the only patent at home.

The difference is that a) you don't have sole financial responsibility (and to be fair, some single parents get a reasonable amount of money from the ex) and b) they know that they have someone coming home eventually.

Original poster
dollywashers · 26/08/2012 11:07

Actually I prob should have only asked people who had experienced being a married/co parent with a husband who works away and a single parent. Otherwise how would they know the difference. Maybe aibu after all.

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 26/08/2012 11:07

Yanbu. Wish my dh worked away!