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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third time in a month this has happened. AIBU?

57 replies

dollywashers · 26/08/2012 10:14

I am a single parent. Been on my own since my kids were 19 months and 6 weeks. Their dad is not around and pays no child support.
For the third time in 6 weeks I've had someone say "oh I'm just like a single parent, my husband works away". Wtf! Husband working away is nothing like being a single parent. Firstly he comes back eventually. Secondly he is out earning money for your family so you don't have all the pressure of making sure there's enough money coming in. There are loads of other differences too.AIBU?

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 11:09

dolly you have to live it to understand it I think

ZonkedOut · 26/08/2012 11:11

I think YANBU. My DH works away, so he isn't around for much of the time, but he's a phone call away if I need someone to talk to, and he earns a good wage, enough that we can afford for me not to work for now.

I have seen posts on here where someone is in a similar situation and complained that it was like being a single parent, and usual other people join in to say it's not the same at all.

It can be hard, though, and I imagine they are mostly trying to start a conversation or trying to empathise with you.

Rindercella · 26/08/2012 11:13

Hmm...

It's difficult. I think perhaps your friend is trying to empathise with you. But then I know when a friend, who is divorced, whose ex has shared PR and has the kids 3/4 nights a week tried to do the same with me and said, oh I know how it is to be a single parent. All I could think was, no, you do not have a fucking clue. My children do not have a father. I have sole responsibility for them. For me, that is the biggest difference. Not the emotional support, or time outs that having both parents on the scene allows (whether they're together or not), or even the chance to chat about school, problems they're having, nice things that have happened. But to know that I am the only person in the world who is responsible for those two little lives. That if anything happens to me, my children will be orphaned.

tabulahrasa · 26/08/2012 11:14

What I was trying to get at is that it really depends on the exact situation.

DP has had a bit of a complicated business thing (well ok, not that complicated, but too long and boring to get into) which is why we're in our current situation.

He's always worked fairly long hours and sometimes worked away, but with ok wages and enough time at home that although hard it was bearable.

At the moment - I and the DC see him one afternoon a week, he's massively stressed and tired so any phone conversations are about his work, it's shit tbh. The only thing that's keeping me going is the thought that it should be temporary and within a few months the last couple of years will start to fade into a distant memory.

So while I wouldn't interrupt someone talking about feeling down because they're a single parent with - well at the moment I feel the same way only he adds to what I'm having to do, I also don't think it's reasonable to insist that having a partner that works away is not comparable to being a single parent, because sometimes it might be.

peanutMD · 26/08/2012 11:27

My parents were married for 10 years and we were all quite happy.

My dad started working Monday - Friday in England (we are from Scotland) when my we were 5 and 13 years old, it was tough.

My dad disappeared of the face of the planet, to live with a woman he met at work, no contact or money since we were 7 and 15.

Of all 3 of your parts my mum complained most about the working away part as she had become partly reliant on my dad helping out when times got tough so when he was not there problems would seem 10x worse. When he actually left she was gutted of course but it meant that she built up a sense of independance that were decreased before.

So YABU IMHO.

DontmindifIdo · 26/08/2012 11:37

Hmm, I don't know, the woman mentioned up thread who's DH works away on ships who had an au pair and no money worries is rather like a rich single mother - the do exist, I've met a few exW of rich men who don't work but do have at least 1 full time staff member. If your DH is away on a ship and therefore not easily contactable and not physically there for months at a time, it is being on your own - even if you have a wedding ring.

The other thing I've noticed with woman who aren't single parents but don't have DH's who are around, they aren't offered the same support as an official single mother is from surrounding friends/family. It's harder in a way as they aren't "single parents" but still have all family responsibility on their shoulders - yet as they have a DH, the assumption is offering to help them would be treading on his toes.

Rindercella · 26/08/2012 11:38

To clarify my earlier post, I think that when a child has both parents actively involved in their lives, whether or not the parents still live together is one thing. A true single parent though is one who is solely responsible for the child, whether that is because one parent has died or has totally removed him/herself from the child's life.

Rindercella · 26/08/2012 11:45

I remember when DD1 was first born and DH was away pretty much all of the time. He'd just started a new job, which had global responsibilities. It meant that for the first 6 months of DD1's life, he was pretty much absent. Either working, travelling or crashed out due to jet lag. We had no family locally and I had yet to make friends around here.

Roll forward 5 years.

DH died. I am on my one with 2 small children.

The first example is hard. It was isolating, difficult and lonely. However, DH was still in our lives and I could chat to him, the responsibility for DD1 was shared. If something had happened to me, he would have been there.

However, it cannot be compared to being truly alone, to having absolute sole responsibility for the children. And it shouldn't be.

brighteyedbusytailed · 26/08/2012 11:53

YANBU

However I stand by that women locked in 'traditional' marriages probably have a harder than single parents like you said sometimes its easier.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/08/2012 11:54

Hmmmm I've been a single parent since October 2009 and he has had the children over night to stay only once in that time, but I did persuade him to take them away for 4 days this Summer and that was huge for me. It probably won't happen again though.

It used to wind me up when my friends were complaining about their husbands going away for a week and how hard it all was for them and of course throw away comments about feeling like a single parent, as their H was away so much. As life with 2 toddlers was one long slog quite frankly. It was like groundhog day. But I realised that was more my issue than theirs and actually at the time, I was still bitter about my situation and how hard things were for me. I do not get any support from family and very little from friends but these days I feel much more pragmatic about it all and try and understand that they weren't trying to offend me, just not thinking. Which is something we can all be guilty of

Are you hearing this comment more right now, as it's the Summer holidays and they're looking after the kids 24-7?

maxtrue · 26/08/2012 12:02

I have had so many shocking "my life is so hard" stories from other mums with partners its unreal.
You will only ever know how very tough it is be a solo/single parent until you have walked in those shoes. Sure you can have empathy but those who feel it know it!
I get so peed off that I try to avoid talking to some ppl as I cannot bear it, and I have had mums who partners have gone for a week try it on...grit my teeth and say lets hope he comes back then.....

amybelle1990 · 26/08/2012 12:06

YANBU- my dad worked away and he mucked in tonnes when he was back at home, as well as being just at the end of the phone.

WinkyWinkola · 26/08/2012 12:21

Also it does depend on the other half and how helpful they are. They can be really burdensome and controlling with £.

colleysmill · 26/08/2012 12:23

I used to get this a lot from friends/acquaintances from a different angle as my dh is frequently away during the week with work but I agree its not comparable to a single parent.

Ok I take the day to day responsibility but imo that's no different to other parents who work long hours and we both have shared responsibility over all. We both take responsibility for finances too but we are together if not geographically.

It was like this before we had dc and I knew that this is how it would be (and no au pair here!) I've never for a second thought of myself as a single parent.

QuickLookUsainBolt · 26/08/2012 12:24

Well, when my dh worked away mon-fri for five years, I felt like a single parent. Maybe I am wrong as I've never experienced being a single parent but that is how it felt to me at the time.

I was responsible for everything to do with the dc, the house, sorting finances etc etc. emotionally and mentally it was bloody hard.

What else could parenting on your own for five days a week be likened to?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/08/2012 12:26

No idea Quicklook but I'd have given anything still would even for someone around at the weekends with me and DCs Sad Sometimes I find weekends the worst as most of my friends are busy with their H's and DCs, so I feel more isolated than in the week. I try and plan nice things to do but it's not the same as having a H about.

mamalovesmojitos · 26/08/2012 12:28

YANBU

mummyonvalium · 26/08/2012 12:31

i agree with OP - it is not a fair comparison (I am not a single mum). Some of my friends have said this in the past and I feel quite uncomfortable with it because their partners are generally suportive and they lead a certain lifestyle that would not be possible as a single mum.

Everyone likes to say how hard their lot in life is nowadays and it is unfair to those who generally have it properly tough.

runamile · 26/08/2012 12:37

YANBU I entirely agree with you OP. Being a single parent is emotionally different from having a partner who us away a lot. If your partner is not physically there presumably they are doing something to contribute to the family eg working. When you are a single parent you carry feelings about the enormity of the task you have ahead, your fears for the future, the overwhelming sense of responsibility that this family depends on you and you alone.

tabulahrasa · 26/08/2012 12:41

By the way, I wasn't having a moan about my life, just trying to show that it's not always cut and dried.

It's different for me precisely because it is temporary and like I said, I wouldn't compare the two in normal conversation anyway.

I just think you can't have a blanket, it isn't the same attitude, when for some people it might be very similar.

HeathRobinson · 26/08/2012 12:45

Hmm,I've had quite a few times when dh has worked away for months and yes, I've likened it to being a single parent at times. Likened, as in similar to, not exactly the same.

And op, did your kids' dad go away for 7 weeks when your first baby was 4 days old? No? You have no idea what that's like.

ClaraDeLaNoche · 26/08/2012 12:47

YANBU. My DH works away all week and it is so lovely when he comes home. While on the face of it I do most of the DC and household stuff during the week, and I work part time, I am the lucky one in my marriage as I get to be at home. It's nothing like being a single parent.

naturalbaby · 26/08/2012 12:48

YANBU.

dysfunctionalme · 26/08/2012 12:57

Oh I have heard this countless times, too. I think a lot of people just talk shit. It is clearly and in absolutely no way the same. Idiots.

PenisVanLesbian · 26/08/2012 13:25

this entire thread is one big competitive hard life whinge. Get over yourselves, or no-one will be talking to you at all and you won't have to worry about such terrible comments.

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