in being pissed off at the way DP spoke to DS tonight when he wouldn't eat his tea

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DS (2.3) is generally a good eater, likes his veggies etc but sometimes he doesn't want to eat his dinner. I was a terribly fussy eater as a child and DS is way way better then i ever was. When he doesn't want to eat his food, i don't make a big deal about him having to eat it, he just doesn't get anything else instead.

tonight we were having tea together (we only really eat all together at the weekends as due to work this would make tea too late in the week). DS wouldn't eat any of his. DP is making a big deal about it saying he can't watch anymore telly tonight unless he eats his tea, then he can't watch any telly tomorrow either. The more he goes on the less likely DS is to eat anything so he ends up eating nothing. DS ends up in tears, i'm nearly in tears, DP keeps getting food on the fork and trying to push it into DS's mouth.

DP says DS needs to learn to eat his dinner, i don't want the dinner table to become a battle ground, when i'm with him on my own in the week and the days i'm at work when my mum looks after him he is generally good at eating although on ocassions he doesn't eat much.

You're right. Very bad of DH to attempt to force-feed a child in tears.

He is being totally unreasonable. What a bully.

Yanbu. Your approach is sensible. His is horrific.

YANBU, your dh needs to learn to pick his battles, he was never going to win that one.

Must have been horrid.

Your poor child! Is your DH usually like this?

That's a horrible thing to do to a little kid - don't allow it again.

YANBU, that's terrible! I hate to see people trying to force children to eat, I just don't know what they think they will achieve by doing it.

Seems fair enough to not let him get down from the table until he has finished some dinner but force feeding is wrong. Just leave him sitting there and if he does not finish enough of his meal then he can go off to bed after a while. But no television.

Has your h ever done this before?

I agree with you 100%. I think the only question is, how to handle this?

I think I would sit down with dh this evening and say something like, 'I felt very upset this evening and worried about how ds's dinner panned out. I really don't see why you handled it the way you did, as it seems to me that it's more likely to make him do what you say you don't want, i.e. use refusing food as a weapon against us'. And see what he says.

I wonder what his mother would say?

Your Ds is way too young to understand the concept of no tv today and tomorrow etc totally the wrong approach IMO YANBU

Novack, really? Aren't you ever not hungry? The OP is doing pretty well IMO by not offering replacement foods.

We visit my in laws every few weeks, and dnephew went through a looooong phase where he made a fuss at dinner - but only when we were all sat down together. Afaik, dsil had no problems with him at other times.

It was simply the pressure and excitement of all the people, it supressed his appetite. Going from Mummy, dsis and me to Mummy, dsis, Grandma, Aunty and Uncle Pidj, possibly Uncle Bil and Big Cousin, and me overwhelmed him! He's just growing out of it now at nearly 5.

We found that if we ate then cleared away, his plate would miraculously empty itself within 10 minutes no matter how much cajoling and encouragement he had. Could it be that your ds feels the same when he has full attention from both mummy and daddy and he has to perform on command as it were?

as a child i had a family member who would get like that with me,a direct result of that is i wont even introduce them to any of my dc's.

its bullying and imho a really shit thing to do not only because of the act itself but the possible end result of turning the table into torture.

can you explain to dad calmly with out tears how ineffective and unacceptable it is?

He is going the right way to giving your DS food issues in future. Does he read (DH, not DS)? Can I suggest he read My Child Won't Eat by Carlos Gonzalez. It's a very sensible book that explains why kids refuse to eat and the best ways to deal with it. When you understand why you can understand why shouting and force feeding is counter productive.

I should add that I'm a dad of a toddler who eats selectively. I read the book because I was worried about how much she was eating and it gave me loads of reassurance.

novack are you joking?

I have eating issues with my dd but she may be ASD, awaiting a dx. What I will say works with her is never to force the issue but maintain good table manners, she doesn't leave the table until all are finished but whether she eats her meal or not is her own choice. No alternatives, no pudding but no drama. More often than not having to watch her siblings move on to pudding means she chooses to eat a little of her dinner off her own back. Your dh is being unreasonable.

That's very harsh.. Your DS is such a young child and it is expected to be a fussy eater and big deal, he doesn't feel hungry. As long as you're not giving him anything else..I wouldn't punish him as well. What is the message?
If I was that close to tears watching it, am sorry I would intervene...I know it would probably undermine your husband but force feeding him.. I couldn't watch.

I have an extremely fussy eater of a DS. I have always deliberately not made an issue of it. I believe that we set our children up for all sorts of issues with food later on by making them eat or punishing and rewarding them with food or for eating.

I think fighting over food is not productive and can be damaging.

I was a fussy eater as a child. I don't know why and I can't explain when or how it ended, but no matter what anyone did I would not eat foods I didn't like. I would gag and just get extremely upset if anyone tried to make me. It became a massive source of stress for me. I ended up having packed lunch and not school dinners because the dinner supervisors used to try to bully me into eating things I neither liked nor wanted.

I hope you are ok, OP. It's horrible when your DC's other parent does things like that that you fundamentally disagree with. You do have to say something, though.

Yadnbu. He is being a complete knob for trying to force anyone to eat, and he needs to back off.
I have had a lot of food issues as an adult, well started as a teen lol, because basically I was forced as a child to eat.. I still battle my own demons, but I also understand that if I am not hungry at times then why would it be any different for my children to be the same. My only food rule in this house is that they try something at least once.
Your dp needs to learn to understand that forcing anyone to eat is wrong and will only create problems.. How would he like it if you forced him to eat something that he detests. He wouldn't.. If he won't listen to reason, then maybe go down that route of only giving him things he doesn't like, so will never finish, and then introduce consequences.

thanks for the comments.

Purplepidjn> what you're saying does seem to fit as he generally eats well in the week when its just the two of us (or him and my mum). We'd also had a long day out (nice time) today and were later eating than usual so suppose thats a factor as well.

DH has had a few beers this afternoon, hes not drunk but sometimes when he's had a few he gets so you can't reason with him, will leave and speak to him about it tomorrow.

Nocake> i was the child that wouldn't eat!! i spent about the first 5 years of my life only wanting to eat custard!! I now eat alot more but am still quite fussy compared to most people but i try and not let DS see that, in fact i have started to force myself to try things that i previously wouldn't eat so that DS doesn't see me not eating stuff.

Thing is i really don't thnk DS has a problem with food, he just doesn't feel like eating/ doesn't feel hungry sometimes. He's not got the verbal skills to explain why yet, he just says 'don't want it'

He'll eat if he's hungry, he won't eat if he's not. Your approach sounds pretty sensible to me, OP, and your DP's sounds a bit barbaric tbh. I can't believe he tried to force food into your DS's mouth - that's a sure way to make him clam up even more!

I would just tell him clearly and firmly that he will not treat DS like that again, and that he mustn't make mealtimes into a battle or things will just deteriorate even further.

I would also agree with LadyKopperberg with the basic manners thing. I don't let anyone leave the table until everyone is finished, so DS does sometimes spend about 5/10 minutes sitting watching the rest of us eating pudding. I do find that time quite valuable, though, as he gets bored and sometimes plays with the food in front of him. As he is really suspicious of foods he doesn't eat frequently, it gives him time to familiarise himself with new foods and the next time they are served up, he will try them..and then occasionally decide to add them to his limited 'foods I eat' list.

I worry that my DP (father of my baby DD) would freak out if i let her play with food. He is mess phobic. I am trying to let her explore finger foods at the moment and he's forever leaping in and cleaning her half way through because he doesn't like seeing her messy. It drives me mad and I have had to tackle it and tell him that he's setting her up for major issues. It wasn't easy, but he is trying.

Picky eating can be very annoying and frustrating. But really the more fuss is made the worse it gets. 2.3 years of age is very young to understand about eating up and consequences if he doesn't. But no sweets and biscuits if no meal is eaten. But I would give healthy snacks. There's no easy answer. But shouting and and making a huge issue of it makes things worse. DS was a very fussy eater when he was little, but quite good most of the rest of the time. It got me annoyed at times but I decided to ignore as far as I could.