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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect just one member of my family to share this with me?

32 replies

kazmus · 24/08/2012 23:22

Apart from my dh who is always so ssupportive, no brother, sister in laws father cousins have even acknowledged that it is 2 years tonight that I lost my beloved dd aged 24. We are feeling so alone in our grief, why do families let you down when you need them. The candles are taking us through midnight, but I feel so angry for her.

OP posts:
IcanandIwill · 24/08/2012 23:24

I don't have the right words but want to send you lots of love and support.

BackforGood · 24/08/2012 23:26

I'm so very sorry both for your loss, and that you are feeling unsupported now.

Everyone deals with loss and grief in different ways though, and people just don't know what to do for the best. It doesn't mean they don't care, and aren't aching for their loss as well Sad.

cheeseandmushroomtoastie · 24/08/2012 23:27

So sorry for your loss, and that your family haven't shown her any respect. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

dequoisagitil · 24/08/2012 23:28

Maybe they are scared of bringing it up in case you were trying not to think about it?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sad I can't imagine how painful it must be.

wanttomakeadifference · 24/08/2012 23:29

So very sorry for your loss.

It does seem thoughtless of your family members not to have supported you more.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2012 23:30

So sorry.

A colleague of mine lost a daughter at a similar age. Every year they invite people (friends and family) to theirs. I don't know whether it's for a toast in her name, but then they light fireworks for her.

Your family might not realise that you would like their company and support on this sad anniversary.

Original poster
kazmus · 24/08/2012 23:31

thank you ladies, just those few kind words mean so much, it really is the most unimagineable pain to cope with, but the support of others means a lot

OP posts:
Frontpaw · 24/08/2012 23:32

They probably just don't know what to say. However, its odd they didn't ask your DH if you would like company, to go out, have a family get together etc.

So sorry for your loss.

SchrodingersMew · 24/08/2012 23:34

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your family really should be supporting you. I really don't know what to say, I am sorry. :(

CleopatrasAsp · 24/08/2012 23:34

So sorry for your loss. People can be very odd about bereavement and it can be very hurtful, but I am sure that your family did love your DD, they are just crap at showing it unfortunately. YANBU to be very pissed off with their selfishness though.

debinaboat · 24/08/2012 23:36

You will be in my thoughts tonight, I don't have any words of comfort ,I can't imagine what the last two years must have been like for you .i just wanted to let you know that your post hasn't gone unread,and I will now be thinking of you and your family .x

WelshMaenad · 24/08/2012 23:36

I don't know what to say about your family. I am so deeply sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine your pain. I will light a candle for your daughter.

Original poster
kazmus · 24/08/2012 23:38

it would be difficult to all get together as we are spread all over the country, but just to pick up a phone or do what you are doing and type a few words wouldn't be so hard.

OP posts:
onedev · 24/08/2012 23:39

I am so sorry for your loss - it is unimaginable & no words seem sufficient.

AlmostAHipster · 24/08/2012 23:40

I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must feel. My heart goes out to you.

I'm so sorry that your family haven't been able to show their support, especially tonight - I can only think that they haven't the words to express how deeply they feel the loss of your girl and their concern for your grief.

Thinking of you.

Dinosaurdrip · 24/08/2012 23:44

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

eosmum · 24/08/2012 23:53

So very very sorry for your terrible loss. I hope that It's probably not that they've not remembered but don't want to intrude on your grief.

Bananaketchup · 25/08/2012 00:10

Sorry for your loss kazmus. I don't know if you would find support from others who have lost a child, if your family aren't coming through for you? There is the child death helpline, and the compassionate friends if you would want this. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, when I have met bereaved parents in my job they often say that other bereaved parents are the only people who can understand some things. Thinking about you.

freddiefrog · 25/08/2012 00:12

So sorry for your loss xx

aMuminwaiting · 25/08/2012 07:54

I have been looking through photos of my Sister this morning and crying my eyes out. I miss her so much it physically hurts. She was only 34 when she died in her sleep and every year I get closer to her age I see more of her in me. That gives me some comfort but it freaks my Mum out. My Mum goes to her grave (but she calls it her garden) three times a week and gets really snappy with me that I don't go very often. I hate it there though and I don't associate it with the vibrant woman I loved and still love. My point is that everyone has their own way of grieving and it may be a very private thing. I'm not there when my Mum changes her flowers and cleans the stone and she's not here when I'm looking through the albums and crying myself to sleep. We both loved her passionately but my grief is different to hers because she was her baby girl. I have lost five babies and one of them was big enough for me to hold in my arms, it was a pain like no other. I felt like some of me had died and each loss changed me. How I would have coped loving him for 34 years and losing him I do not know. I keep telling Mum how much I miss her and think of her to reassure her that she's not forgotten and won't be whilst I'm on the planet. Speaking from the side of the family member it's not easy to know what to do or say for the best. Nothing can take the pain away. Sometimes I hug her, sometimes I can't say anything because no words can help.
Don't feel angry, it's an emotion that doesn't give any comfort. I bet you that your family do care and are thinking of your DD but don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you feel alone. There's so many people out there feeling the same isolation. I know death doesn't always bring people together, my own family feels so much smaller without my DS in it. Carry on your own rituals and have that time as your special time with your DD.

lurkedtoolong · 25/08/2012 10:27

I am so sorry for your loss. All I can say is that I wouldn't know how to react to a family member in similar circumstances as I'd be scared of getting it all wrong. Perhaps your family are the same? I hope you find some comfort from your husband and hopefully your family in the coming days.

JessieMcJessie · 25/08/2012 10:36

OP, very sorry for your loss. is it possible that your extended family might not have realised the specific date? Are they generally supportive of you about her loss?

ZeldaUpNorth · 25/08/2012 10:39

I lost my mam last year and grandad a few years before. I always remember special days, however i'm never sure whether to mention them to my nan as im not sure if shes remembered, or wants to remember as she lives alone and I hate the thought of her sitting alone upset. I do try to take her out for the day if possible. Just letting you know that some people might not want to bring it up incase it upsets you.

Sorry for your loss x

ssd · 25/08/2012 10:41

so sorry for your loss op Sad

Camusfearna · 25/08/2012 12:13

I am so sorry for your loss, Kazmus. I am in the same position, and I can't believe how family - close family - don't acknowledge any of the important dates. Nobody even says my son's name anymore and I am just stunned and, if I'm honest, hurt and sick about it. Again, I'm so sorry - I know how very, very hard it is xx.