OH has morning fag before tending to our DD

[xbexidabestx]

So, we take in turns every other day (ish) but when he gets up in the morning, he has his fag FIRST, and then gets DD up change and breakfast etc. He does it, but ALWAYS has to have his morning ciggy before absoultly anything. When he wakes up the first thing he does is practically sleepwalk to his fags. This means that when DD is shouting for us in the morning, I have to listen to it for 10 mins, and I cant just leave her, so end up getting up and doing it myself.

Is he entitled to his 10 mins in the morning, as hes not doing my dd any harm by making her wait 10 mins, but its so ANNOYING!! AIBU??

We also went out for lunch today and hes a fast eater, when he finished he went for a fag whilst i was halfway through eating and left me on my tod!!!

Is this rude? i think so.... I smoke, but dont need to like he does...

And just because something is less harmful than full-blown neglect or abuse, that doesn't make it a good thing.

i allways think me time should come after things have been sorted

DP smokes, but on his mornings with DS he gets him up and then smokes outside the back door.

I would be very pissed off if he either left DS to cry for 10 minutes or left him for me to get up just so he could smoke first!

It was 120 (one hundred and twenty) - that was the peak so to speak, but I got through them every day for quite a while.
I used to be on the doorstep of the corner shop when it opened and buy them, then more or less light one from the stub of the other all day, with a couple left last thing at night to smoke on the way to the shop next morning.
I don't actually smoke anymore now, but that's because old news, sorry to those that have heard me bang on about it before it killed me - I had a BIG heart attack and was only saved by a miracle and some very dedicated paramedics who refused to give up on me. The worst part is, I STILL crave a smoke it is just that addictive. My DCs were brought "to say goodbye to mummy" before I was stretchered out of the house to be bluelighted to hospital for emergency heart surgery, and even after that, I still have that urge and craving and desire :(
And even being that addicted, I would never, ever, have let one of my babies cry while I went and had a smoke, not ever.

Blimey pombear! What an experience! How long ago was that? I couldn't have fit that many smokes into one day. How is your health now? Or perhaps that is none of my business. I'm an ex smoker too. Getting pregnant stopped me so I can't comment on Smokes vs Babies. Although perhaps I can as a stopped cold the moment I saw that positive stick.

I'm a gleeful smoker and I absolutely abhor all this prissy, anti smoking hysteria, but having actually thought about it, YANBU.

It's actually much easier and pleasanter all round if you wait the 30secs it takes to pour a bowl of cereal and switch the radio on for the DCs before going out to enjoy your morning coffee/fag combo in peace.

I'm a smoker but a fag first thing actually makes me feel a bit ill. Usually have my first after dropping ds off at school.

Sorry to barge in OP- what age were you PomBear when you nearly died? (please don't say my age, say 68 or something please)

Clara- are you on 120 a day?

ex DH used to do all this, leaving me and DC in restaurants to go and have a fag as well. As an ex smoker myself I had no idea how bad smokers smell till I stopped, so I pity your poor dd having to whiff fag smoke in the morning just after shes got out of bed.

It is one of the reasons he is now an ex DH, it wasnt just this but it its just one of the indications of being a selfish f*er that I could no longer bear to put up with. It saddens me (and him as well) that the smell of fag smoke is the smell that all 3 of the DC (DSS and our 2 DC) will associate with him from the newborn stage. He bitterly regrets all his years of smoking but unfortunately doesnt have the strength of mind and will power to stop. And he is extraordinarily self centred too of course.

It may or may not be a coincidence that all 3 of the DC have had chest complaints, but it is testament to his fuckwittery that he both blames himself for DSS's asthma, and DD's pneumonia, while also continuing to smoke 40 a day

No about 10 Kitty so figure I have eleven twelfths more time before heart attack but would like to be more precise about likely date.

Cheeky Clara!

pom how did you manage to.go through 120 a day without leaving dcs to cry?

I mean sometimes I can't have a dump without them crying, have a bath without them crying, do the washing up etc so how did u manage to spend that much time presumably in bathroom or garden or doorstep smoking?

Tbh I don't think its unreasonable to want 5 mins to your self before you get on with the day.

Nailak. Some people smoke around their kids so wouldn't have to go outside and leave them.

The worst part is, I STILL crave a smoke confused it is just that addictive

I have never smoked anything in my life. But I was brought up in a house with two heavy smokers and I occassionally crave a ciggarette. I cannot stand the smell, I hate the smoke it turns my eyes red and makes me cough. But I occassionally crave a fag.

Well done for giving up, not easy.

YANBU. From an ex smoker of 60 a day or so (pre baby life) Quit the day I used clearblue
You do wake up wanting one, but like someone mentioned it's the easiest one to give up.
I suggest he wakes up early, has a fag, brushes/washes hands, and gets the DC.
If he is smoking to enable doing a poo in the morning - even more reason to get up earlier.
I won't say a post meal fag is not heaven but yes a child does come first and if it means he needs to wait then he can and should.
Nicotine patches work well (and though against medical advice) you can smoke with one on. He could try that. Wake up, stick patch, tend to child, smoke.
And it's not like it's everyday...no you are NBU at all.

I also think no child should feel it comes second to a cigarette...(this is not meant in a holier than thou way at all)
Smoking is an addiction but it's should not be used as an excuse!!

When I used to smoke, I would have wanted to have a cig, before dealing with the day ahead.

Now I am a non smoker, I feel that children's needs should come first

No, YANBU - your husband's addiction is getting in the way of his life.

This may sound extreme, but I won't allow DP near Dd if he has been smoking. He doesn't live with us, but when he comes to stay he smokes an E-cig and has anti smoking lozenges. This is my rule, and non negotiable!

peoplesprincess I'm a gleeful smoker and I absolutely abhor all this prissy, anti smoking hysteria, but having actually thought about it, YANBU.

There's nothing prissy or hysterical about being anti-smoking. The effects of passive smoking are well-researched and well-documented.

Yanbu but I hate smoking and begrudge dp every one that he had!

If he only has to get up every other day then he should wait, get Dd settled with some breakfast and then go outside.

On your day you should plonk her on the bed with him and get in the shower for ten mins, see how he.likes it. I say put het on the bed cos no doubt he would ignore her crying from the other room?

I used to smoke 40+ a day. It was only when I had a collapsed lung from pneumonia 2.5 years ago that I stopped. Will be 3 years in February. I would have been incapable of functioning as a human, let alone a parent, without that first fag.

Even now, nearly 3 years later, the morning fag is the one I crave the most. I wake up, and every day, my first thought is "God, I need a fag", then I think uuuurrrggghhh I don't smoke, blargh, and drag myself out of bed. It's so hard to stay given up when your first thought on opening your eyes is nicotine!

I don't think it's the end of the world to be frank

Yanbu. Oh how your dc must enjoy their breakfast when all they can smell is smoke. Puts me right off eating and I used to smoke. Quit the day I found out I was pregnant my baby was more important than an expensive dirty stinky habit.

Ash flavored scrambled eggs yum

:(

The smoking itself is one issue, or two; his addiction and smoking around children. You know about those already.

Your post is about consideration for you and prioritising your dd's needs though. I immediately identified with it though neither of us smokes.

You are saying he claims he will get her up on alternate days but actually gets out of it by waiting until she is awake, noisy and ready to get up, then wandering off and doing something else for ten minutes, leaving her to become noisily unhappy and this to cause you to get up and deal with her.

DP does this to an extent by wandering off to use the bathroom and get dressed before coming back to pick up dd and take her downstairs to feed. Hardly crime of the century, probably quite normal but, it gives her just enough time being noisy to wake me up completely, negating part of the point of his doing the first feed. In contrast when she wakes in the middle of the night I get her out of the room and downstairs immediately so she doesn't wake him up. If I need the loo I either wait until after she's been fed, or if desperate, go on my way, holding her.

It sounds as though he may be playing the addict card (though i don't doubt he's addicted) to avoid responsibility and the need to show consideration to others. As people have suggested, he could get up earlier or use other nicotine sources, IF he actually wanted to make taking turns with breakfast work for all three of you.