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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is unreasonable

75 replies

DozyDuck · 24/08/2012 10:22

But to wonder what the etiquette is?

I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable so a gentle flaming is expected.

My DS has ASD, he's got this 'thing' about putting things over fences when outside. When he does I bring him straight in and say no, put him on time out and don't let him back outside. But nothing seems to be working.

Neighbours (last ones that were here and ones on the other side) just throw the toys back over when they see them. I don't want to go knocking and asking for them back and disturbing them, and I don't want to be going into their gardens to get them back myself.

I have started not letting DS take toys out with him but very occasionally he has stashed one somewhere on his person.

New neighbours the other side have decided to just put DSs toys in the bin. They know about DS, have handed a you back before and I thanked them and explained and they said its not a problem.

I'm not sure what to do as I don't want his toys in the bin , and it doesn't seem fair as the other kids on the street play football on the street and kick the ball in and just climb over and get it. They kick the ball over a lot more often than DS puts his toy over.

He has severe autism, neuro regression, GDD as well as physical problems and he just doesn't understand. I'm not sure of its totally reasonable for him to put the toys in the bin? In which case I'll sit and cry inside on my own? Or of there's anything I can do at all?

OP posts:

janey68 · 24/08/2012 12:19

Lovely as your street sounds, with kids popping in and out to play, and a general 'community ' spirit, it's worth remembering that it might feel quite hard for newbies to fit in. If there is a culture of everyone popping in and out, they may just be more private, and are perhaps guilty of swinging a bit too far the other way and not being overly friendly and nice about it in case they suddenly have the whole neighbourhood land on their doorstep!

As you say they have young kids, but you never see or hear them, I does sound as though they're very private. It also crossed my mind that there could be some illness or hidden disability somewhere? Just seems very odd to see or hear no evidence of the kids. Or perhaps there's a messy domestic situation going on and the kids aren't there much.

I'm not trying to excuse any unreasonable behaviour, just suggesting that all might not be as it seems. Also from experience of having moved a fair bit, I know it can be really hard to break into certain communities; I was very unhappy when we lived in a village for a couple of years as there was a sense of not belonging if you hadn't been there several decades.

(not implying your street is like that; but it might feel a bit like everyone else is great friends and these neighbours are the newbies)

zozzle · 24/08/2012 12:30

Your neighbour sounds like he's being a prat - I'd be furious. How mean spirited.

I'd go round and talk to him about it in a reasonable way and explain what the last neighbours used to do. Explain that it has upset you.

cansu · 24/08/2012 13:52

He is being unpleasant and inconsiderate. My ds went through a phase of doing this and my lovely neighbour used to periodically collect. Them up and drop them back over the fence. I apologised and they said it was ok and they knew I couldn't do anything about it. He eventually stopped doing it by himself and moved onto anther obsession. Epiphanys post was very unkind and pretty typical of what you can get from some people. Whilst it might be irritating for your neighbour it is obviously much more stressful and upsetting for you trying to cope with your sons behaviour on an everyday basis. Given the choice I would much rather cope with a neighbours child occasionally throwing his toys over my fence than cope with being my child's carer for the foreseeable future.

Thumbwitch · 24/08/2012 14:09

I think that's extremely mean of him.
It must be easier to just lob them back over the fence, than to throw them into the bin so he's being a shit.

Do call the council though about the fence - over-hype the problem, say that it's a very real risk that your DS could bolt through/over it and get hurt.

I know this is going to be a stupid question but have you any idea why your DS needs to do this? Is there some way you could redirect whatever urge it is that's causing him to do it? Maybe have a false fence in your own garden that he can throw his figures over but they'd still be in your own grounds?

boredandrestless · 24/08/2012 14:30

If this is something your DS loves doing why not make something in the garden that he can do this over with his toys.

My DS has asd too so I know it's very hard to stop something like this and better to redirect it slightly. Does it have to be a certain height of fence? Off the top of my head you could try one of those low garden border fences you cang et from pounshop, or if he likes a bit of height how about a long length of tubing or pipe stuck into the round slightly that he can drop things into , you could then just pull it out of the ground and he has the toys again.

I would contact the council regarding the fence. Say it is a safety issue as well as causing inconvenience for the family next door who's house it is.

In the meantime if you can get in the garden for the toys then do so, I can't believe he is binning such expensive toys when he could just pop them back into the garden!

I would pop a note through his door. Explain you are disappointed he is throwing away the expensive toys of your child despite being aware of the situation with his disability and you being apologetic, and that you have contacted the council regarding the situation and the fencing.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 24/08/2012 16:04

Thanks for everyone's posts, I'll look into a fence to drop things over at the weekend. I have been trying to redirect this into dropping things over the trampoline enclosure but with no luck so far

I used to go to school with the guy and I have tried to be friendly. I emailed the council today (phone calls impossible with echolalia) and will go and fetch the toys myself next time. If he questions me ill then ask what he would prefer to do and leave it up to him.

Epiphanys post is the other side of the argument though isn't it? It is annoying I suppose if you're not into the 'community spirit' that goes on around here

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 13:56

Update.

Not heard anything from the council but neighbour appeared on fb again and started asking how I was etc.

He then seemed to be prying into my relationship status and who I lived with and then said that I was way too pretty to be on my own and that I must be lonely and saying he will give me a big hug when he sees me.

He lives with his missus and kids...

I'm seriously confused now.

My bf says to stay away from him.

OP posts:

boredandrestless · 03/09/2012 14:23

Yes I would stay away too. What's his wife like? Can you approach her about him binning the toys to try and get her on side or is that likely to inflame the situation?

He sounds like a real treasure.

LemarchandsBox · 03/09/2012 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedHelenB · 03/09/2012 14:45

Has your son thrown any more toys over after he threw them away?

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 14:51

He has thrown 2 and I've gone and got them back saying loudly 'if we don't DS they will end up in the bin and they're very expensive' and then taken them off DS for the rest of the day. We have also got some throwing games going but it seems to make no difference. Will persevere though.

His OH isnt approachable really. She doesn't engage at all.thats to anyone other than him tbh.

I think I'll leave the fence situation up to the council and steer clear of him! Bit risky isn't it saying stuff to his neighbour who lives next door to his missus!

OP posts:

oldraver · 03/09/2012 15:03

Oh that seems seriously odd OP.

Seeing as he is now speaking to you I would say to him "I know its a bit of a pain DS throwing his toys over so if you dont mind I will just retrieve them so as I dont have to disturb you/put you to any trouble" with a big smile.

In an ideal polite world he would just give the toys back, throwing them away is an aggressive act so I would just go and get them back (maybe when DS isnt around if you are worried about how he will see it)

The fact your neighbours seem to be 'on side' is an advantage, and hopefullyhe wont make anymore of an issue of it

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 15:08

Shit DSs I'm going to report my post please ignore

OP posts:

SillySollySandy · 03/09/2012 15:13

Why don't you get one of those grabber things that people use for litter picking so you can retrieve the toys without going in the garden or disturbing the neighbour.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 15:14

Good idea sandy! Didn't think of them! Where can you get them?

OP posts:

juniper904 · 03/09/2012 15:18

here

juniper904 · 03/09/2012 15:20

Does your ds enjoy fences in particular, or would be get the same satisfaction from a tall bin? Like a wheelie bin, perhaps?

Toe neighbour sounds like a creep, tbh. What was he like at school?

JennerOSity · 03/09/2012 15:22

They sound like arses to me! Having picked the toy up it would be easier to throw it back than take it to the bin! So seems they are doing it out of spite or some misguided attempt to teach him/you a lesson. Whether your ds has a disability or not, it is a mean thing to do to a child and a costly thing to do to the parent. :(

I would avoid these unpleasant people and try to arrange some adaptation of the fence to prevent ds losing his toys.

YANBU - hope you find a solution soon.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 15:26

Actually jupiter I dont remember him from school! I thought he looked familiar when he moved in and then when he added me on the dreaded fb I realised he was in my year at my school. He obviously knew because he knew my full name to find me...

Thanks for the link!

Jenner its fences and bins and stairs and beds and anything at all. It's constant! It's just a phase I think. It's usually a schema when they're about 18 months to 2 years. Like filling up bags and emptying them (which was his obsession before) but it takes him ages to get out of them because he develops a lot more slowly than other children.

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 15:26

Juniper sorry not jupiter

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 16:44

Update %232

DSs ball went over the back fence before (my fault we were playing catch and it bounced off his head)

It's now appeared in my back garden!

Looks like me explaining DSs condition has worked.

Either that or he wants to get on my good side for not nice reasons

OP posts:

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 16:45

Update %232

It's supposed to be a hash then number 2

Don't know why it shows up like that! Axg

OP posts:

boredandrestless · 03/09/2012 16:49

I think how you have been handling it - going for the toy and explaining loudly that he shouldn't do it and they are expensive is the way to go. Hope council sort the fence out soon!

Glad ball came back.

He sounds horrid.

Original poster

DozyDuck · 03/09/2012 17:07

Just been reminded of how lucky I am to live in a place like this (bar creepy neighbour) I turned the back door alarm off when because we were in and out of the back door all day for the garden. I came in, locked the door and went to put something in the outside bin.

In the 2 seconds I was outside DS had stripped and got out of the back door.
He wasn't in the garden, his clothes were in a trail where he had stripped though...

So I leg it out the front screaming and feeling sick already... And the man opposite is stood in his garden laughing his head off shouting 'he's in here love, in his birthday suit!'

House is literally the house of locks with magnetic alarms on all the doors and windows and chains on all the doors! But dozy me fulfilling my name forgot to put the alarm on!

So glad I know all the neighbours and they know DS! Could have been so much worse.

Still feel sick now! Won't be forgetting the alarm again. And might invest in sensor activating capturing nets!

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