To think this is unreasonable

[DozyDuck]

But to wonder what the etiquette is?

I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable so a gentle flaming is expected.

My DS has ASD, he's got this 'thing' about putting things over fences when outside. When he does I bring him straight in and say no, put him on time out and don't let him back outside. But nothing seems to be working.

Neighbours (last ones that were here and ones on the other side) just throw the toys back over when they see them. I don't want to go knocking and asking for them back and disturbing them, and I don't want to be going into their gardens to get them back myself.

I have started not letting DS take toys out with him but very occasionally he has stashed one somewhere on his person.

New neighbours the other side have decided to just put DSs toys in the bin. They know about DS, have handed a you back before and I thanked them and explained and they said its not a problem.

I'm not sure what to do as I don't want his toys in the bin , and it doesn't seem fair as the other kids on the street play football on the street and kick the ball in and just climb over and get it. They kick the ball over a lot more often than DS puts his toy over.

He has severe autism, neuro regression, GDD as well as physical problems and he just doesn't understand. I'm not sure of its totally reasonable for him to put the toys in the bin? In which case I'll sit and cry inside on my own? Or of there's anything I can do at all?

Wankers !

I'd just keep going round with this on my face explaining over and over.

I have an autistic child too.

You poor thing. I think they are being very unreasonable.

If I was in those circumstances I think I would pop a note in their letterbox, thanking them in advance for their understanding, explain again why your son does this, and request that they please just throw the toys back over the fence, rather than throwing them away.

I would find out the price of the Gnome and pop the equivalent money in the envelope with the note, and take it from there.

For the neighbour I'd have thought it would be along similar lines of keeping a cat out of your garden - if it irritates you, it's up to you to stop it happening and make the fence higher.

We lived in a house with 4 under 6yos next door and they were always throwing things over the fence for fun. One day the youngest leant in to grab a flower and he fell in aswell!

What's the harm in throwing them back over for goodness sake.?

I don't know why I'm angry, maybe because I can see he might find it annoying. The first time I told him he was fine with it. Totally. He even passed DS his toys once over the fence and laughed about it. (that time I was trying to clear out my car)

I just wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable to think he shouldn't do this. I never have with footballs etc of the other kids. I even once allowed a full search party of a brand new ball that had apparently been lost over my fence by all the neighbourhood kiddies.

I remember 'gnome-gate'

I think they are being unreasonable. They know about your ds and see you struggle. I think they are still holding gnome shaped grudges!

I offered to pay for the gnome lots of times. The problem is that I don't know what they look like and what type of gnome it is (I'm not up on garden gnomes) and asked him to either tell me how much it was or where to buy another. At the time he said it was fine and he just appreciated me telling him (no one saw him do it except me)

Now I feel a bit funny about paying seeing as these are Ben 10 figures, if anyone knows anything about them they're about £15 each. So far he's thrown away 3. That's £45 worth of toys.

Have you told the neighbour how much the toys cost?
If he insists on continuing to bin them, could you ask him to replace them or pay for them?

The thing is I think I'd understand of it was the grumpy old man the other side, he's 90, long since his kids and grand kids grew up so probably wouldn't remember. But however grumpy he is, he never throws away toys like that. (although will lean over the fence to tell me I'm putting the weed killer on wrong)

DS has had another big regression over the holidays (I don't know whether this is due to the anxiety of the holidays and autism or a medical issue) and I just feel like the whole world is against me at the moment.

I haven't inmysparetime. I tried to strike up a conversation the other day hoping to sort of drop it in so it didn't look confrontational, but he just sort of grunted and went inside.

Does anyone know the legalities of this though? Like is he allowed to throw things away that happen to be on his property?

I think your neighbours are being unreasonable. I would consider asking the council to erect a high fence on the grounds that your son has ASD and your neighbours are struggling to co-operate. On another note, have you considered erecting a fence in part of your garden? What your son is doing is sensory - he enjoys the sound and sensation of holding something over the fence an then letting it go. There is no reasoning with an ASD child (as I am sure you know) but you can teach him to manage his obsessions. If you have your own little private fence you can teach him that he must not put toys over this (the neighbours fence) but he can put them over 'his' fence. I taught a boy with ASD who had to touch all of the corners in the room before he could get on with his work. To start with he wanted to touch every corner he could see - the classroom, his desk (and every other desk) his pencil case, the chairs - it took ages. If you didnt allow him to do it he would kick off because he couldnt cope. Gradually we got him to compromise by sectioning off his desk so that he had 'his' part of the classroom and allowed him to touch all of the corners in his area before he started his work. He responded really well, stayed very calm and thrived. Good luck

Some people don't believe in autism. They are happily convinced it's an excuse used by over-indulgent parents for bad behaviour. I bet he tells his wife your DS just needs some discipline, if there are consequences to his behaviour he'll stop doing it etc, and possibly even congratulates himself for his positive contribution to your DS's upbringing.

Not sure if you can ever get through to people with that viewpoint.

Just a thought.... do these neighbours have children themselves/baby in pram? or are they elderly and a bit vulnerable? Or have friends round sitting out? Or pets?

I'm just wondering whether they're actually concerned that a thrown toy might hit someone. I know the ben10 figures aren't big, but even small items can hurt if they catch someone near the eye or whatever.

I just wonder whether they are worried and think that binning the toys will stop the problem. It might be worth speaking again and finding out if this is the case. If they are just binning the toys out of spite then that's mean. But they may have a genuine worry and if you can reach a solution then thats best all round

Can I ask, is there a reason you don't just go and retrieve the toy from their front garden? Because you say other kids retrieve their ball if it's accidentally kicked over. Is it possible your neighbour thinks that since you don't come to retrieve the toy, you're not bothered about getting it back?

If it was a one-off I'd say he was being horrible, but looking at it from their point of view I can understand they're now starting to get a bit fed up of your kid repeatedly chucking stuff into their garden, especially if they've previously had property damaged as well.

I'm sorry you're struggling with these developmental issues, but that isn't really your neighbour's problem or responsibility.

Thanks everyone. Mama bear that's a good idea. Not sure if the land lord would want me to do it though I could always ask him... I could contact the council I suppose. The back fence is broken too and I spoke to the neighbour when he first moved in about DS 'bolting' and said they were quite welcome to tell the council about the fence and that it was possible (although it never happened) for DS to bolt over the fence and so it was unsafe so they could get a new fence for themselves, but they never bothered.

He's being and arse throwing toys in the bin, but it sounds as though you are unlikely to get him to stop. I think the least stressful way to deal with it, however unfair, is to try to stop your ds throwing stuff over the fence.

You could put up a high fence in your garden, but there maybe height restrictions? Is there anyway you could put something against the fence to stop him being able to reach over? I can't for the life of me think what, though.

Sorry, not much help, but he sounds an arse.

Janey they are my age (24) and they do have young children (supposedly) but I've never seen or heard the children. They never leave pushing a buggy even when together and the kids never play outside or cry ever. (very very thin walls, I can hear their daily conversations, I don't listen I can just hear them)

So I'm really not sure on the situation with the kids... Maybe they aren't there often...I'm not sure.

I get it's annoying thats why I wondered of I was being unreasonable. I guess when his kids start playing football he will see the 'other side' if you were. I don't know.

I don't go and get it because I don't want to tell DS that it's ok to go into other peoples gardens really? Do you think I should just go get it from now on?

Mamabears idea of a false fence is a good one.

And I know that we aren't his problem or responsibility. I just know he wouldn't do it with other peoples kids who kick the ball in a lot more regularly (I have often been startled by something hitting my front door and ran to the window to see a kid running away clutching a football)

But he wouldn't do it to them as they have parents who would literally knock him out. (apparently the man who lived here before me had to move over a football as he popped it and basically got beaten up by another parent)

This means I can't even ask other neighbours for their opinions on the matter as they all love DS and me (saw what I went through when I was told he could die in childhood) and would probably just kick off massively.

I'll give you an idea of the area we live in. It's mainly council houses, a couple of people who have bought their council house and mine which is the only private rented at the moment.

It's the type of area which is the safest area you could possibly live in if you get on with everybody and smile and wave, but a very awful area if you start causing friction as some people don't think twice before using their fists!

When DS was a baby I was general child are for the children on the street. Their kids would come over from about age 4 to 'help' with DS and to play with his toys etc. they would come and play while their parents went to the shops and stay over night if their parents wanted a night out. I was looking forward to the time when DS could go round and play also, then his brain failed at 3.5.

So everyone knows everyones business and everyone knows and likes us so far. The last neighbours had a son with SN who was 11 but mentally about 5 so he used to come with us on days out etc and play with DS which was lovely (if not hard work) when they moved about 6 months ago (house swap to be near relatives) we got these new neighbours.

I

"I don't go and get it because I don't want to tell DS that it's ok to go into other peoples gardens really? Do you think I should just go get it from now on?"
Well, if I was your neighbour, yes, I would expect you to come and retrieve your property. Why, I'd reason, are you expecting me to pick up after you? (Yes, I can be a bit arsy sometimes. )

Maybe go round and knock the door, ask if he'd mind you coming in to the garden to recover the toys in future, you hadn't wanted to in the past as you felt you were 'trespassing' etc etc. This could be as simple as different expectations/assumptions from both of you.

I would go and get whatever he throws over.

Contact the council, you can do this, i have for my mum, when the fence blew down.

Tell them that your DS disabled and this is effecting his quality of life, they will prioritise the repair.

If he continues to bin the toys and they are a reasonable amount to replace, i would speak to them, if they won't then tell the council that you need mediation.

You need to get assertive, or you will end up getting aggressive.

I put up with a lot from a neighbour, my youngest DD had delayed development and LD's, in the end i blew up and my eldest chased them back into their house.

It did solve my problems with them.

Thank you I will contact the council today (I'll find an email somewhere) and then maybe say something like 'DS told me you threw his toys in the bin and got very upset, could you just throw them back over the fence?' or I suppose I could just ask the kids who go to collect the footballs of they see DSs toys to put them in my garden if they can?

Thing is I am so lucky being in this area because most families have one child with some sort of disability. I think it's the area and priority (nice area, quiet, close to town and adapted housing for most of them) so people really do understand. Except him (and other side sometimes but I've recently learnt that he has dementia and this is why he's nice as pie one day and horrible the next, which is totally understandable and very upsetting for the family so I won't be causing a fuss when he shouts at me for wrongly used weed killer)