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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think friend of the hen should cough up?

26 replies

Mumfortoddler · 23/08/2012 20:41

Organised a hen night last Saturday for best friend, me and one of the other hen's bought everyone's outfit in advance by agreement with everyone. One girl bailed a few days before citing stress, the hen's other best friend. She suddenly decided to come on the morning of the day and we ran around getting everything for her including an outfit. This woman arrived with a fiver on her and made the hen buy her dinner (we had bought the hen's dinner already, but kind of objected to shelling the cash for her). When we went on to the roller disco, we had to lend her money on the door, and the Hen had to lend her money to buy drinks all night, whilst I spent over £100 on drinks for the hen. She didn't chip in for the gift or the drinks or clothes so far. I sent her a quick message asking if it would be possible to have just at least a contribution, to which I got the following reply:

"You didn't have to buy drinks all night. You knew I had her purse/money and there was only short periods when I wasn't around, so please don't play on that or the fact that I came with an empty purse. I had no opportunity to get to a cash machine before the roller disco but you could buy drinks with your card, so there was no worries, why didn't you just ask if I could buy a round? was kind enough to lend me the entrance money, she didn't mind giving me that, I paid her back the next day. Don't imagine that * gave a care for any of it, we buy each other stuff all the time, it really was no biggie.

I told you that I appreciated how much you did for 's hen do but you didn't have to be such a martyr with the taxi for or with the drinks for *. I know you wanted to give her a great night but we all did and it was a success, I had one of the best nights I've had in years and I'm very glad I came.

Your emails trying to get me to attend made me so frustrated but if I really wasn't going to come I would have told * in a personal email, which I never did because I always knew there was a chance I would make it. I just got tired of all the emails.

You did such a good job of organising the event but you should have relaxed more on the night out, you didn't need to be in so much control.

* knows how much you care for her regardless of if you threw her a hen party or not. I know you care for her greatly too and am so thankful that you organised this event. "

Am I being unreasonable to be absolutely furious? Its not like I am laden with cash I am a single mum with a 3 year old DS.

OP posts:

CrispyCod · 23/08/2012 20:45

Wow, she sounds a right cow. I would be furious too. She sounds like a freeloader.

NewlyMintedPeasant · 23/08/2012 20:45

Hmmm I feel like I know her from the tone, so like someone I know. Cut contact, ignore for evermore and be happy it's cheap at the price for peace and quiet.

fizzybeerandsausages · 23/08/2012 20:46

YANBU I'd be tempted to reply with "don't patronise me you tight cow, cough up!"

It doesn't sound like she's willing to pay anything so you'll be no worse off but it might make you feel better.

EightiesChick · 23/08/2012 20:47

One liner back. 'I've worked out your share is X, so please let me have that asap'. She owes money and she should pay up. Don't even bother engaging with any of the rest of it.

Noqontrol · 23/08/2012 20:48

She sounds like a sponger. V rude.

EightiesChick · 23/08/2012 20:48

And if you hear nothing, ask her for it at the wedding, in front of other people.

lunar1 · 23/08/2012 20:48

What the hell was the hen drinking that cost £100? You shouldn't have spent it if you cant afford it.

Noqontrol · 23/08/2012 20:49

Yeah, as pp said, just tell her how much she owes.

HecateHarshPants · 23/08/2012 20:49

"so are you going to pay me or not?"

Floggingmolly · 23/08/2012 20:49

Why did you spend £100 on drinks for the hen? Particularly if you're not exactly flush. I don't understand the bit about the purse - the one who arrived penniless had control of the hen's purse, which meant you were the only one buying drinks?

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 23/08/2012 20:50

Blinding you with compliments!! Tell her to pay up or do one!!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 23/08/2012 20:51

What eighties said. Don't bother to engage with the weird, rude bit, just tell her what she owes you and ask for it.

squoosh · 23/08/2012 20:52

She's a bitch. Hound her for the cash, tight cow.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/08/2012 20:52

It's not clear from your post if she actually owes you any money she agreed to pay.

It sounds like she paid the hen back the money she actually owed her.

If she owes you money she actually borrowed from you then yes, you can ask for it.

Gumby · 23/08/2012 20:55

Sounds like you may have been a bit irritating to me

TandB · 23/08/2012 20:55

She sounds like a right charmer!

But, like Laurie, I am confused about what money you are asking her for.

Are you telling her she should pay the hen back? If so, I can possibly, just about, understand her being annoyed as it really should be sorted out between the two of them.

Or is there other money owing?

AuraofDora · 23/08/2012 21:02

glad you had a good time, your share is x amount.

helenthemadex · 23/08/2012 21:05

send her an email listing what she owes, do not respond to the rest of the tight arsed bitches email

needthistowork · 23/08/2012 21:07

It was your choice to spend £100 on drinks for , to pay for her taxi, get her a gift. And it is for to sort out with her friend what she owes her for the dinner and drinks.

From what i can see she does owe you for the outfit and the disco entry fee.

Iamsparklyknickers · 23/08/2012 21:23

I think if others made a contribution its fair to offer her the opportunity, but hey ho, I think I would reply with - we all contributed £x for the meal and drinks but fair enough if you don't want to, although I do need to have £x back for the outfit and entrance fee as soon as - nursery fees! ( or some other child related expense to join in the passive agressive shit she's seemingly enjoying chucking at you). Glad you enjoyed brides night.

If the bride spent the night forking out for her friend that's her look out, I suspect she's probably aware the woman is a flake and is grateful that she has some friends prepared to organise stuff for her.

I really don't like the way she keeps using the word appreciate as if she's the brides mother who gives a flying fuck if she appreciated it - it wasn't for her!

princelypurpleparrot · 23/08/2012 22:26

I am a little bit confused. When the night was organised, was it agreed that the hen's expenses would be covered all night by the group? The outfit and entrance fee she should definitely pay you back for, but if the rest of it was just your choice then in theory she has no reason to pay you back if she doesn't agree. How come only you bought the hen drinks, did the rest of the group not contribute? It should only cost each person the price of one extra drink each to get the hen nice and drunk. surely?
And whose card is she saying she could have used, hers or the hens? If hers, why didn't she pay for her meal?
I know how stressful it is being the one organising a hen do, I was you a couple of years ago and spent the whole day and night super-stressed (but the issues were due to crappy transport, rubbish venues etc, not the other hens). If she is one of these "oh it'll be fine, noone cares" type of people she probably did think that you were being super uptight all night (but that is no criticism of you by me at all!).

She sounds like a right bloody nightmare, tbh, sending you an email like that, and I'm dying to know what happens next!

Original poster

Mumfortoddler · 24/08/2012 20:44

I'm afraid I was a little undignified in the end. I'm not going to the wedding (its in India), and so I decided letting rip was much more fun then the money I was never going to see anyway.

princelypurpleparrot- she was saying she could have used her bank card (which by the way she only discovered at 3am). I am kind of glad she only discovered her bank card then, because an hour later she was streaking through our friends house, much to all our horror as she had spent the whole evening perving at girls (I've got nothing against lesbians, but she kept trying to hit on us most of the night and spent all night telling us how desperate she is for a shag, I'd just be as creeped out if a man did that). A little perspective I think helps!

We did agree everyone would pitch in for everything including their own clothes, so she is just being tightfrugal.

I know she made me sound uptight in her email but I couldn't have been more relaxed, I think she meant I shouldn't have worried about buying the hen drinks, but the reality is that every time we got to the bar, she, and everyone else disappeared after ordering the drinks and before paying, leaving me to pay!

And finally, she left owing three of us money on the night, the hen, and two of us that were organising the night.

She is mad, I sent her a reply:

My reply:
"You know what just forget it. And the pleading emails was because you said you weren't coming, and how was I supposed to know whether you really meant what you said or not. I am not a mind reader, and I didn't know whether you had sent an email to the hen REALLY cancelling. Forgive me for thinking that it was a good thing to encourage you along, and just forget about the money if that is the way you feel. I'm glad you had a great night out. I am so sorry we burdened you so much in the process, but maybe think a little more next time before off loading a whole guilt trip of excuses on everyone for not coming to something you have every intention of coming to. You are, quite, well unbelievable.

Don't bother addressing your emails with Love at the end after insulting me like that! What love is there in telling me I should have 'relaxed' (p.s. I was, and I was making sure the hen had a great time too).

And yes of course I paid for *'s taxi, she's on DLA, what did you expect? I had no choice, I was being DECENT. You could take a bloody lesson in that.

I'd rather die a poor martyr than a fucking shit friend."

Have heard nothing since. I'm so very glad. Thanks for letting me vent. She's bonkers, I'm glad most of you agree.

OP posts:

nailak · 24/08/2012 20:50

Dla is not a means tested benefit.

Did everyone else contribute to drinks? If they didn't I don't see why you are taking it out on her?

Original poster

Mumfortoddler · 24/08/2012 20:51

Floggingmolly- yes the one who arrived penniless put hen's purse in her handbag, where it stayed, all night, except for when she spent from it (not the hen). This anonymising stuff is clearly confusing. Even I am...!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumfortoddler · 24/08/2012 20:55

Nailak- everyone did in the end afterwards except for her.

DLA is not means tested, but my friend has got advanced stage MS and requires 24 hour care, she has been ill and unable to work for over a decade, so yeah it was the done thing to pay for her taxis to come out. She only had a starter because of money issues (and she only came out for the meal, so wasn't part of the drinking stuff later).

OP posts:

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