Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should come home and see his son

57 replies

uselfullife · 23/08/2012 18:32

Before he goes away again for the 3rd weekend in a row?
In the last 2 weeks, he's seen him for about 2 hours

He's away again tomorrow, but has just text to say he's going out for drinks
So won't see him tonight
So will see him Tues

OP posts:
Original poster
uselfullife · 23/08/2012 21:13

The colleague is a smoke screen
He's just been tagged on Facebook in a champagne bar
With 2 women.

OP posts:
Hassled · 23/08/2012 21:20

2 women from work? I'm sorry - must feel like a kick in the teeth. You need him home.

HecateHarshPants · 23/08/2012 22:48

So he had a choice - spend some time with his child who he's seen for a grand total of 2 hours in 2 weeks - or go to a club with a couple of women.

and he chose the latter?

Clearly you need to sit down and have a very frank discussion with him about his choices.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2012 23:04

usefullife it sounds like you are already single. I'm really sorry. You have to think long and hard about what you want.

EdithWeston · 23/08/2012 23:08

She does describe herself elsewhere as single (or rather "estranged" and "still looking" for The One); though it sounds as if this is yet further, and unwelcome, confirmation that this really is a split.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2012 23:14

Oh dear Sad

lotsofcheese · 23/08/2012 23:17

Sorry OP, that's shit. Is it worth reading him the riot act? Or are things beyond that?

EdithWeston · 23/08/2012 23:30

I've probably put things badly or incompletely (in which case my apologies), but I had thought that this was about how to maintain his relationship with his son, and I can see why it does not look good right now.

As this weekend seems blighted, when will the next chance be?

cozietoesie · 24/08/2012 07:27

Sorry, OP. I'm afraid that I thought it would be something like this, from the moment you said he had texted to say he wasn't going to be with you.

You might want to ask MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships. I suspect that's going to be a better place.

HecateHarshPants · 24/08/2012 08:01

I am really sorry for assuming you were still a couple Blush

Proudnscary · 24/08/2012 08:12

Why wouldn't you assume that Hectate? I did! That's a hell of a lot of drip feeding there OP.

If he's drinking champagne with mates/women rather than seeing his precious son - that says it all really.

What a tosser, I'm sorry he is so selfish and useless Sad

Proudnscary · 24/08/2012 08:12

(especially since she put 'dh' in thread title!!)

HecateHarshPants · 24/08/2012 08:16

I know. It was the calling him "dh" in the title that made me assume it, but up thread it is disclosed they are separated.

Which explains why he's barely seeing him and all that. I thought they were a couple.

OP - you need to get regular contact in place. A schedule. The going out with women etc isn't in itself a problem then, if you are no longer a couple. It's his choice to do that rather than come over to spend some good time with his son. Moaning that he never sees his son but not making time for him.

Original poster
uselfullife · 24/08/2012 08:35

Will try to explain
It is a bit complicated
I just wanted peoples thoughts on the actual event last night without the separation clouding anything

We are supposed to be separating, but we have no funds for him to move out, and no friends to stay with
He is still in the house, begging for reconciliation and saying he will do anything
I've been a bit emotionally unwell this week and he has been really supportive
He's made loads of comments that he will be home earlier to see DS, he's missed out on so much, he loves him so much, blah blah

But last night showed that a leopard can't change his spots
And he will only ever do what he wants, and not consider us.
Which was my main issue about the marriage

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 24/08/2012 08:51

He's allegedly got no funds to get another place - and yet he can go abroad twice to see his mother and - more importantly - hit a champagne bar ?

You're being played with, OP. Settle the matter quickly is my advice.

TallDwarf · 24/08/2012 08:57

Separation or not, he's still a dick for choosing drinks out rather than time with his son!
Has your ds said anything about it?

Original poster
uselfullife · 24/08/2012 08:59

exactly cozietoesie

The money thing is ridiculous
He has disposable income, but it just slips through his fingers, ie. last night

he didn't go twice, he was away for 10 days, so 2 weekends
He had to sell something to go on that trip.

he came into my room this morning, and said he would come home before his flight today, ( because he hadn't packed because he was too pissed/hungover) and did I want to take him to the airport?!! wtf

OP posts:
Original poster
uselfullife · 24/08/2012 09:01

ds is used to him being away, usually doesn't mention him much. but just this last trip, he was asking for him, which is why I think he needs him more, which is why I'm making a fuss

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 24/08/2012 09:09

well, he is just sounding like more and more of an arse, isn't he?

So he still lives there, expects you to ferry him about (are you cooking, cleaning and providing all other domestic services?) and has loads of money to go out and live the single life. Plays the poor me card about not seeing enough of his son yet chooses to go clubbing and hook up with women. While at the same time wailing and beating his chest about how much he wants to work things out with you ??

This is the problem when you're in this sort of no-man's land of not being a couple, yet sharing a house, split up yet not... It really doesn't work.

I hope you can get something sorted really quickly.

Original poster
uselfullife · 24/08/2012 09:15

he actually thinks that a trip out to the aiport (2hr round trip) is an opportunity for family time! great fun for ds.

we could have had plans to go out all day today

and now of course I am torn, cos I do think ds should see him
but it's going to confuse him , daddy going away again. Ok when we say its work, or to see gran who is poorly

fucker
he's now sending texts saying how sorry he is, and how's he's fucked up

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 24/08/2012 09:20

family time my arse.

he wants to be ferried about and he thinks that by calling it 'family time' he can make you do it - and if you don't - you'll be the one denying your son time with daddy.

He 'fucked up'? He made a choice. It drives me up the wall when they can't hold their hands up and take responsibility for their decision.

HecateHarshPants · 24/08/2012 09:23

and no - 'fucked up' isn't taking responsibility Grin it's closer to "I made a mistake, shut up about it". Or "I didn't mean to do it". Or "it wasn't my fault". Or "I didn't go out with the intention of doing it"...

Feel sorry for little old meeeee... Hmm

Whereas they should just say yes, I chose to do this. This was my decision, and I knew I hadn't seen my child. I chose to do this and I knew that hanging around with women in a club was not the best way to go about repairing my marriage, but I chose to do it.

lotsofcheese · 24/08/2012 09:35

I'm sorry he's being a shit. He's not going to be able to afford to move out if he's blowing money in a champagne bar, is heAngry

And these aren't the actions of a man desperate to save his marriage - maybe his words are - but words are cheap & you can only judge by actions.

What is he saying today?

cozietoesie · 24/08/2012 09:37

I think you need to decide what you and your DS want and need out of the situation and effect it. If you let it go on as is, then you're pretty well being complicit in the problem.

Original poster
uselfullife · 24/08/2012 11:06

that's what gets me Hecate
He made a choice to leave work at 4
He made a choice to go out with these people
Every round of drinks, he made the choice to stay

knowing that I would be annoyed
I reckon he weighed up the risks and thought he could get away with it, ie, he could talk me round

without it getting ugly(solicitors) I can't get him out of the house.
I was just trying to keep it amicable

I am dreading this

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread