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Original poster

To keep my DH's name on divorce

66 replies

SaraBellumHertz · 23/08/2012 17:32

Ok this is hypothetical but still .....

It was the cause of much debate in the office today so interested on thoughts.

I have a 'professional' career. When I married I kept my maiden name for work, I took my DH's name for practical reasons for 'homelife' which became important reasons when we had DC as I wanted to share their name.

Subsequently I moved overseas and due to various issues with my passport and visa it was easier to work under my married name. I now consider DH's name to by my own.

The comment was made in relation to someone who had reverted to their maiden name that it would be weird to keep a DH's name if you separate and in fact it shows the world you are still emotionally attached Hmm

OP posts:
runamile · 23/08/2012 19:09

Just posted on the other thread on names about this. When I separated I couldn't wait to get rid of my ex's name. I feel like me again now! It is important to my identity and my ability to move on that I use my name not his. The fact that my children have a different name to myself has made no difference whatsoever. And if someone assumes my name is the same as my children's (e.g. clinic, school) it doesn't matter. I have had to announce to 200 people at work that I have changed my name and they didn't even know I was separated/divorcing. But this was easier than keeping his name! (Do I sound bitter? - I'm not actually!)

snowball3 · 23/08/2012 19:13

I kept my married name, I want the same name as my children and I have had my married name longer than my maiden name!
It was odd however when we all met up at a hotel for the wedding of mutual friends and ther was one MR Snowball and two MRs Snowballs!

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 23/08/2012 19:16

I changed as soon as I left my first husband, straight back to my maiden name. We didn't have any children and I also hated his surname.

When second husband left me, it was different. We had a DD together and so I kept it.

I now have two DC with my DP, thinking of getting married. They have his surname. I would quite like the same name as them. I answer to it at school and hospital and doctors anyway.

Viviennemary · 23/08/2012 19:20

If I got divorced I certainly wouldn't want to keep DH's name. Why would you want to keep the name of a man you were divorced from. That would be my take on the question.

peasandchips · 23/08/2012 19:24

Once divorced, however, do you still refer to yourself as Mrs XDHSurname or Ms or even Miss?

carabos · 23/08/2012 19:26

I wanted to keep my (unusual) maiden naame when I got married but XH and his family were horrified and made a huge issue out of it so I changed it. When we got divorced, they made a huge issue out of insisting that I change it back again Hmm. Out of devilment, and because I had a DS, I kept his name.

When I remarried, new DH wasn't keen on me keeping my former married name (which I can sort of understand) and it seemed daft by that point to revert to my maiden name, so I took the new name.

I have a friend who got married and immediately from divorced from "Mr John Smith". 20 years later and 10 years into a relationship with someone else, she still calls herself (and signs herself) Mrs John Smith! How weird is that? I mean signs as in signs her cheques and everything else Mrs John Smith Confused

The moral of the story is just don't change your name. There's no need, you don't know what might happen, its bollocks to want the same name as your kids, you can give your kids whatever surname you like and men don't do it!

overthehillmum · 23/08/2012 19:28

When i separated i went back to my maiden name, i was going to uni and starting to get on my career path, it was important to me as i was the first person in my family ever to go to uni, both my children decided to be known as my maiden name when they moved to secondary school, and changed their names legally at 16. Never regretted it, neither have my kids, ten years on Smile

gallifrey · 23/08/2012 19:49

My husbands ex wife kept her name after they were divorced, pissed me off no end that she was still calling herself Mrs *** and had the same surname as our children.
She has remarried now, so has a different name luckily!

Beamur · 23/08/2012 19:54

My Mum kept her ex's surname after divorce as she felt it was 'her' name now too - she'd had that name as long as her maiden name and didn't want to change it.
DP's ex wife also kept his name (which annoyed him at the time) she has since remarried and now has a double barrelled name of ex and new husbands!

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 23/08/2012 19:57

My mum kept her married name because she wanted to keep the same last name as me and my brothers. She now has a different one.

I regret giving my child her dads name.

McHappyPants2012 · 23/08/2012 20:08

DS had our family name before me and DH, so no i wouldn't change my name if we ever divorced

NovackNGood · 23/08/2012 20:11

I think you should revert to your own name. It seems sily when you have those z listers like Cheryl Cole who keep the ex husbands name although I suppose she does it to avoid her conviction following her in her maiden name.

OneMansJunk · 23/08/2012 20:13

I agree with most that it seems quite normal. Everyone I know who has divorced, has kept their ex-DH name, and I know I certainly would since it's the prime reason I married...in order to have the name name as our sons. It's my 'family' name, and whether DH became my ex or not, we still share a family and I wouldn't like to be different from my children.

I know I won't have any more children, but if I were to with another partner it would be a massive issue, potentially resulting in hyphenating a new partners surname with an ex's - which seems weird!

PfftTheMagicDraco · 23/08/2012 20:14

I've thought about this a lot.

It's not just his name, it's my name too. Fair enough, it hasn't been my name all my life, but it is my name. I wasn't borrowing it. I don't have to give it back.

plus, I hate my maiden name.

kim147 · 23/08/2012 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floozietoozie · 23/08/2012 21:40

My aunt got her degree while single as Miss X. Got married, trained as a teacher, got certificate as Mrs Y. Divorced. Remarried, had two kids. Divorced when kids were 5&3 but kept name suppose cos of kids. Subsequently did a masters, on certificate as Mrs Z. When kids in teens, reverted to her maiden name, so back to miss/ms X. She always said it would have been a damn sight simpler if she'd stck to her own name all along.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 23/08/2012 21:54

My maiden name was the cause of much bullying during my school years - it is NOT a nice ordinary, unremarkable name.
Once it was changed, I kept my ex's name on divorce because I wanted to have the same name as the children, and wanted to keep my name nice and ordinary.
I haven't ever bothered to truly sort out my identity though, I don't have a driving licence, or a passport, but am now in a position where, if I want to apply for a passport, I have to decide which name I want to be, and get everything into that name. I've used four surnames and two forenames over the years, and have paperwork and "evidence" to prove I am any or all of them... It's something to think about very carefully.

Socknickingpixie · 23/08/2012 22:02

im not sure i understand why it would piss off a new wife/partner if the ex decided to carry on using the name after all if your dp was married befor then its fair to assume there is another mrs x around.

i kept mine ive used it for longer than my maiden name its the same as 99% of my kids its just as much my name as it is the person who i married and any other person they where married to or do in the future.

weirdly i keep on getting solisiters letters from my exh saying stuff and also ending with the sentance. please stop using my name we are no longer married. he has been sending me these for about 9 years now.

well sorry mate but when you asked me to take your name on marrage (not automaticly just because we got hitched we had an actual convo about it) i told you that i would only take it if you understood that should we part company then i would be keeping it.

Olympicnmix · 23/08/2012 22:06

Initially I decided to keep my married name which is naffly my maiden name and STBExH's name combined as it's my dcs' surname - but am not sure why that's important? But I've always maintained my maiden name at work and am thinking of going back to it officially.

floranora · 23/08/2012 22:15

my DPs EXW is keeping her name after their divorce, it really annoys me! I want to be the only Mrs xxx! i know it makes no difference, but this is my first and hopefully only marriage!

It just doesn't seem as special changing my name to his, when his horrible ex has the same name too! they do have a dd, but she is now married herself so has different name anyway.

mumof4sons · 23/08/2012 22:16

I recently got divorced and I plan on changing back to my maiden name. I have talked it over with my DCs and they are perfectly fine with it. They see the logic in it. I am no longer married to their father and his family have completely blackballed me, so they see no point in me being associated with that family.

I am planning on moving back to the US soon and will start the new chapter of my life with my old name. All my old friends never knew me as my married name anyway.

Sidge · 23/08/2012 22:41

floranora but if his mum is still alive she'll be another Mrs XXXXX so you won't be the only one anyway!

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 22:47

It is just personal choice-it is your name now-if you want to keep it.

CrunchyFrog · 23/08/2012 22:53

I've kept my name. It's as much my name as my other name was anyway, since that only denoted who my father was!

I will keep it because it is the name of my children, the name I chose to use and has been my name for over 10 years. I don't think that marriage suggests the lend of a name, does it?

It's MY name.

But I'm a Ms now. My mum is still "Mrs her-XH" because she doesn't want people to think we were illegitimate.

lovebunny · 23/08/2012 22:54

i've still got the ex's name and we split up in 1986. he's not having it back. like the daughter, the rings, the wedding photos - its mine!