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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my 13 year old DD to dye her hair

42 replies

Leena49 · 23/08/2012 05:06

My DD is going on and on about wanting to dye her hair and keeps showing me pictures of all her friends in her year who have been allowed to dye their hair reds or plum or burgundy or whatever. I don't agree with it I think it looks crap. She has lovely Long brown hair. She is 5 foot 5 already and doesn't need to do anything to alter her appearance.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

thedicewoman · 23/08/2012 05:24

YANBU, but for what it's worth at least she's talking to you about it and the colour doesn't sound that bad! I dyed mine for the first time at 14 with no discussion with my mum and itlooked bloomin awful (orange!), my mum must've been gutted...

Nospringflower · 23/08/2012 05:30

I don't see what's wrong with it. It's just a way to experiment with your look and just because a parent doesn't like the look ... Presumably you don't control her clothes so why should you control her hair?

Original poster

Leena49 · 23/08/2012 05:32

I do control her clothes though. I take her clothes shopping and say if i dont want her to buy certain clothing. OMG am I too controlling?

OP posts:

Emmielu · 23/08/2012 05:52

At least she likes the nice colours like red etc. Maybe highlights or dye the underneath? Clothes wise, looking back on what I wore at 13 I wish my mum had picked things out for me! I looked bloody awful!

ratbagcatbag · 23/08/2012 05:53

At 13 yo she's being very lenient with the clothes thing. My just 14 yo DSS now drags us behind into all the stupidly expensive shops but knows he has £100 to get new stuff, we can't generally influence what he likes, the only thing not allowed is naked women on tops or swearing. That's as much control as we get :)

mummytime · 23/08/2012 05:57

My DD 13 wouldn't let me clothes shop with her. She has an allowance for her non-uniform clothes (earnt by walking to school rather than taking the bus). I wouldn't let her dye her hair (unless temporary and at the start of the school holidays) but then her school is strict on that kind of thing.

BenjiAndTheTigers · 23/08/2012 06:02

There's nothing more lovely than "Virgin" hair on a 13 year old. As long as it is kept shiny and in good condition.

You sound as though you have excellent parenting skills. As long as you explain to her your reasons for not wanting to dye her hair at such a young age she will probably be Ok.

Try telling her that she is an individual and not a sheep.

At Christmas if she is still talking about it, maybe a wash out rinse will satisfy her.

Good Luck

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 23/08/2012 06:13

TBH those plums and burgundys are revolting colours, if fashionable.

If she's going to mess around, get it done professionally with vegetable based dyes so she doesnt ruin her hair from a young age.

BillComptonstrousers · 23/08/2012 06:19

I let my 12YO dye her hair at the beginning of the holidays, and it's nearly gone now. She had been asking for ages, and I didn't really see the harm in letting her have wash out one. She has an allowance for her clothes, but goes to town herself and buys them, I don't really interfere with that, and she has never come back with anything 'unsuitable' she woul hate for me to trail round New Look/Topshop with her!

sashh · 23/08/2012 07:02

Isn't this a rite of passage? It could be worse in the 1980s it would have been a perm.

How about a compromise - no permenant colour or coloured hair extensions to give a purple streak or two.

TroublesomeEx · 23/08/2012 07:08

I think I probably did dye my hair for the first time round about that age, although now I have a 13 yo myself, it does seem very young!

I used Harmony hair dyes and Castings when I was a bit older. You can't change your hair that much, just add a bit of depth or change of tone to it. They wash out and no harm done.

I've dyed my hair permanently since I was about 16 years old. I think it's been every colour under the rainbow and it's currently a lovely auburn.

Wigglewoo · 23/08/2012 07:08

Hmm. I'd let her do it. Its fashion. She wants to fit in - at that age its important I think (even if sheepish). I dyed my hair bright red at 13. Its now back to normal brown at 32 :)

Why not let her do a semi permanent 8 week one like loreal casting? And ensure she cleans the bathroom properley after her... The hassle of that alone might be enough to put her off!!

IShallPracticeMyCurtsey · 23/08/2012 07:12

Sorry, yabu though I totally understand why.
I still remember the feverish desire I felt to dye my hair at 13. I wasn't allowed but went away on a summer camp and dyed it red while there. It's a rite of passage. You might have to soften your stance a bit and have a direct chat to DD about it.

Either bring her to a salon or help her do a 6-wash home dye. A packet semi-p or permanent could go all wrong.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 07:14

It is a great help when schools don't allow it. I would get her to wait and give her a date when she can if she still wants to.

IShallPracticeMyCurtsey · 23/08/2012 07:15

P.S. if going for the salon option you could agree on the terms and conditions, i.e. how she will contribute to the cost and all that (chores, babysitting?)

Sparklingbrook · 23/08/2012 07:20

The 13 year old girls round here are doing the 'dip dye' thing where the last couple of inches of their hair is purple/pink whatever.

BodaciousTatas · 23/08/2012 07:25

My DD has dyed her hair red, She has it all sorts of colours I really do not mind.

If however she comes home with those shorts that make her arse cheeks hang out she will be in trouble. Wtf are they all about?

Longtalljosie · 23/08/2012 07:32

Well - it's a bit late now, but I don't see the harm in allowing a wash-in-wash-out one in the holidays only.

I had a monthly clothes allowance from 14. All clothes had to be bought from it, including boring stuff like pants / socks. It was a good early lesson in budgeting.

rebeccakeir · 23/08/2012 07:39

My exs DD who lives with me (dont ask lol) has beautiful long, thick blond hair and went on for a while but i mananged explane my reasons and she understood, but my main point was how lucky she was to have hair like hers. She is 13. I think with brown hair though i would of just been saying no for no. Saying that though since being with me she no longer wears make up or lets her appearance run her life anymore, i encourage her to make the most out of being a kid cos your a long time grown up. Clothes, she picks most of her stuff and knows whats good and whats not, if she looks a wally i'll tell her, the key is to talk to her though not just at her because you think you know best ;) my key...prepare a good battle plan and i always concider am i just saying no beause i can, can i back it up with reason?

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 23/08/2012 07:44

Dd is 16 in 2 weeks and put a colour on her hair for the first time at the beginning of the holidays.
It just made her hair a richer brown and brought out the natural red....made her hair very shiny too.
She hates the bright red many of her friends have, mainly because it fades so quickly and then looks very drab.

We also go clothes shopping together...she likes it. Probably because I have a TopShop account. Or we buy online.

BenedictsCumberbitch · 23/08/2012 07:49

Oh god I'm having flashbacks to using 'Sun-In' on my already blonde hair in the hope my mother wouldn't notice after she point blank refused to let me dye my hair. Suffice to say she noticed. Because it was orange.

NulliusInBlurba · 23/08/2012 08:13

DD1 has just turned 14. She asked about highlights tentatively a few months back, and I pointed out that she has gorgeous natural blonde hair that bleaches in the sun (no lemon juice needed) every summer in a highlighty sort of way, and also that she gets bad dermatitis on her scalp so chemicals are not the best way to go. And that highlights are really expensive and there is no way I'm paying for them!
The likelihood of a bad skin reaction is also the reason I'm saying no to pierced ears.
Once she is 16 I will allow her to make her own decision for both of these things.
I'm very liberal on clothes, though. She gets a monthly allowance and her own clothes have to be bought from that, with the exception of shoes and winter coats.

bigTillyMint · 23/08/2012 09:08

OP, YANBU to not want her to dye her hair - my DD is also 13 and has lovely shoulder-length blonde hair and I wouldn't want her to dye it. She does, however dip-dye it with the spray-on red/pink dyes from Superdrug which wash out (and cover your bathroom and towels in a gore-fest!)

Re the clothes, I have stopped buying DD clothes (apart from school uniform, sports stuff, bras, knickers and socks). She buys what she wants out of her own money - pocket/birthday/Christmas, etc and I occasionally treat her. She loves going shopping with friends, or even sometinmes with me! That way we don't have unwanted clothes sitting in the cupboard until she has grown out of them

bigTillyMint · 23/08/2012 09:10

rebeccakeir, totally agree

Trills · 23/08/2012 09:12

At 13 she should be starting on cheap sachets from Superdrug - Shaders and Toners. They will make your bathroom purple but make little appreciate difference to her hair.

Sun-in, or the cheaper alternative, lemon juice, is also suitable for people who are not old enough to get jobs that pay enough to have "proper" highlights done every few months.

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