Ok, update.
Today is our 2nd wedding anniversary.
He has spent the time apart tidying the house (tbf, am a bit of a hoarder. Well, a lot of a hoarder) and has started clearing space for some Ikea (previously he hasn't allowed me any Ikea, so this is weirdly significant).
I have also told him that he needs to demonstrate some real change - just telling me he has changed and being good for a month doesn't cut it. Neither does huge gestures - pouring wine down the sink does to mean he has quit drinking (he has done this so many times) and neither does attending AA once or twice. (again, another quick fix he uses) He needs to either actually quit or not, but I have made it clear that is his choice - I am bothered by the behaviour, and if he thinks it is drink related it is down to him to sort that out and to remove himself from me and the kids if he is unable to control himself while that gets sorted. If he is just using drink as an excuse, he doesn't need to quit, but that is up to him. I'm just concerned that he stops acting like a twat, drunk or not. Same goes for fags. We each get a certain amount of 'pocket money' so we don't go into household budget for our treats. Mine pays for my iPad and things like dresses and coffee. If he wants to spend his on fags and booze, fine, as long as he doesn't use them as an excuse for being a twat.
Other conditions:
No more excuses. Plenty of people have ex wives, dead relatives, old relatives, money troubles and so on, and manage to not act like twats. I will support him if he is upset, but that does not include putting up with being treated like shit.
He keeps up with paying the bills I give to him as his responsibility. He also learns things like the kids birthdays etc. This man is acknowledged as one of the top quizzes in the country, he should be able to remember stuff about his own family.
He acknowledges that, if I find it scary, he needs to stop it. It doesn't matter if he considers it scary or not. It is fine to discuss differences calmly, even to get annoyed and express that annoyance in a non aggressive way .
He gives serious consideration to moving back to my home town. My uncle has a house he could possibly rent to us that hold great emotional significance to me, in walking distance of my mum and my old school. Even if that house wasn't right, there are several houses for rent in the street where my best friend lives, which is also in the area where almost all of our old friends live and in walking distance of the small city. My mum has asked for more help caring for my nana, who actually needs help to function, and who I am very close to- my parents had to work long hours and nana used to look after us. His parents are a lot better off than mine (apart from said uncle with a spare house, obviously) so they can move or afford to stay in a travel lodge and visit loads if they are that bothered. My mum is visibly ill from her very stressful job, money worries and looking after my nana - I am genuinely worried she will have a heart attack or nervous breakdown. My dad is 7 years younger than fil, but has had a much harder life, is a low level alcoholic and recently had pneumonia. I would rather not get into a parents nearest to death competition, but dh certainly doesn't have a clear victory.
Anything else?