Just so annoyed, and skint

[Nc4567]

The gas bill just went up, various other expenses mean we need about an extra £100 a month. I work as much as I possibly can. Dh got himself sacked.

Just...argh. For various, possibly identifying, reasons, I only earn a couple of hundred a month and can't possibly earn more. He did something so stupid and pointless and doesn't even seem othered - it's all about how he is goin to get an amazin new job.

Meanwhile, the rent is due, tax credits have randomly stopped paying, the kids are doing my head in and I feel like yelln at him, but that will just get his temper up.

Argh.

He's lucky he just got sacked. If someone did that to me, I'd call the Police.

Any redeeming features?

coconutty - Housing Benefit is paid to low income households. As only he was working, and it was in a part time, minimum wage job, they would have been eligible for HB help.

If he was sacked he wont get jsa

And what did you mean about his temper, Nc, is he very shouty? Aggressive? Is he drinking?

His drinking s better than it was, I thought things were looking up. We were finally on the upturn with money, we have a relatively secure tenancy, my health is under control, he was getting calmer, dd1 was finally making friends.

He gets shouty and sweary, but doesn't really mean it - he thinks he is Malcom Tucker or something. Still, I get so embarrassed. Plus, sometimes I get scared. I know he won't actually hurt us, it's n that type of scary, just I get very anxious anyway (my illness is a mental health issue, under control now, but can get very serious if I miss meds etc) and doors slamming, shouting etc oesnt help. Plus every morning one of the first things I do is go Online and check his Facebook to see if I need to do any damage limitation.

We met on a Internet message board that had a very blokey in jokey thing going on, and he was online when it was all text and only in universities. So I can't work out if he thinks it is still geeks only, or if he... I dunno. I'm not making excuses, but I just can't work out what is going on in his head.

My parents live 200 miles away. I can't take the kids that far.

I basically kept ringing him back today. All the things that I haven't said because I've been too... I dunno, scared? Worn down? I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and letting it sink in and see what he does.

And tomorrow I am going out with two single mum friends while m parents babysit

This is it though, all of my friends are in my home town. Everyone I know in his town are nice enough, some are really nice, but it's all cupcakes and breastfeeding. Home town friends are cupcakes, breastfeeding and GIN . Obviously not all gin, but I wouldn't mind my home town friends coming round if it is messy, iykwim.

Oh Nc, you know your mental health is irrelevant when it comes to his shouting :( it doesn't matter that you are more anxious than the average person (with which I sympathise, having many MH issues myself). It's not ok that he's doing things like slamming doors and shouting.

If you and the DCs were at home right now, while this being sacked incident was going on, what would it be like? What would he be saying and doing?

Leave the bastard.

And make sure the feckless moron pays for his kids.

You sound amazing OP.
Two jobs, uni study, childcare, and running the household accounts.
You have my admiration. And sympathy.

You don't need this tosser and you'd be better off without him. I can't imagine that he's much of a role model for the kids either.

LTB

It sounds to me that his parents have kept bailing him out all his life so he now thinks that he doesn't need to be responsible for his actions.

Agree - and now he gets out of having to face up to his behaviour by shouting and slamming doors.

He behaves like this because his parents enabled him, and now you do too.

I get that it's really hard, but unless you do something that will force him to change he won't - because it's easier for him not to. Whilst you deal with all the anxiety, stress and worry that a couple of adults are supposed to share, on your own.

What sort of idiot describes something like that on FB??? It's just so juvenile! I know kids more mature than that.

Ok. Current plan is to stay here until school starts, to give him chance to show the beginnings of real change.

I honestly don't know how things would practically work if I didn't live with him. I would want to come back (with the kids - dd1 born here, we moved when I was pregnant with dd2) but am I allowed to do that? Ideally would want as equal an arrangement as possible - he's a good dad apart fom being irresponsible. He's a good husband apart from that and his temper and drinking.

I just can't let the entire house be at the mercy of his moods if he won't even accept he needs to change.

It sounds to me like you are harbouring alot of guilt about the fact your personal circumstances have meant that at times you have been unable to work and as you say may have prevented him from being able to work.

But feeling grateful to him, for working when you couldn't or supporting you in the past should not excuse his behaviour.

Im sure you love him, Im sure he's a good father and partner, Im sure he's done alot for you, but really how did he expect that losing his job would affect you and your dc?? Is he stupid? Im sure he knows how the World works? You can't say ANYTHING on Facebook these days, only an idiot would describe someones death on Facebook, really he's lucky he wasn't arrested aswell as sacked and then where would you be??

Im not saying leave the bastard, lol. Im sure that somewhere deep down he feels awful, but dont let him get away with it!! I'd tell his Mummy and Daddy for a start and Id embarrass him. Id tell Facebook how all this is making you feel, how flippant he has been with the well being of his family. Let the same people he is blase with read how upsetting this is.

He ought to start acting like a grown man IMO

Right Ive just read your more recent comments op

Do not for a moment think that shouty sweary behaviour isn't upsetting your dc....it is.

I wonder how much of your anxiety would be eased if you weren't having to do 'damage control' every morning? weren't jumping every time the door slams, or getting frightened when he drinks??!

You do not need him...you are not his mother....if I were you, Id go home....200 miles or not.

What do I want him to do? I have a week till I am meant t have dd1 back in school, and I want to give d a chance to prove himself, but how can he prove himself?

stop babying him

you need to change yourself and your attitude to yourself and your kids

This time limit you are setting is meaningless

he knows you will want to be back in time for dc school

why would he change ?

he doesn't to, nor does he need to (the way things are)

For a start he needs to publicly apologise for embarrassing you am risking your well ring and the fanily's financial stability. He needs to do this On Facebook IMO as that's where this started.

Maybe you could go as far as writing a contract of sorts outlining what is and isn't acceptable?
You need to make him understand how this is making you feel and that this is potentially his last chance and you and dc won't be moving down the road, it will be 200 miles away...

Stay where you are, and start researching single parent benefits and local schools. I've also suffered with anxiety issues and you'd be amazed at how much improvement can be made when you're removed from the situation that makes you anxious. Once you have control - over your finances, over the mood of those around you (or can at least predict) - I'd put money on you ditching the medication too.

Fwiw he sounds like a selfish twat. What kind of knobend doesn't know not to say stupid stuff about the boss in an identifiable place?!

Oh my . Typing on a phone is hard lol

blimey, he's been a prize dick hasn't he? was he pissed when he went on fb and did that? if so, his drinking is to blame, and he needs to recognize HIS drinking and subsequent behaviour has put you in this mess, regardless of how helpful he's been before,or how much work he's missed to help you,that's what partners are there for. To help not totally hinder. do you love him? if you do i think you can work on it, if not, stay at your folks, yes it's upheaval, but better now than another 5 years of this shit. really, good luck

What about if you change yours dd's school and think about a future near your parents? That way IF he sorts himself out he can move to you later on?

Hmm, what should I do now then? For various reasons (him working away an then kids going on holiday) he hasn't seen the kids for a month and they miss him.

Doing some hypothetical planning, to work out if we old manage.

In the medium term, if he can't sort himself out, I'm think of educating dd1 a home and staying with my parents. I would see if they, and my sister who is a student who comes back regularly, would let me take over sisters bedroom for a term, and she could have the spare room. Sisters bedroom has those bunk beds with a double bed settee as the bottom layer, so if need be, it could be a makeshift bedsit for me and the kids (thinking if we need our own space/everyone else gets sick of us).

My nana has a granny flat in the house, she doesn't need care as much, she just chatters and worries constantly and that wears my mum down, so she might welcome someone else to take on some of that and my nana would feel useful too I think. My dad is very blokey so he does the DIY but not much emotional type stuff. Mum works long hours and dad either works long hours o not a all, depending on what building needs doing. So a lot of the time I would be just me and the kids, with nana when she isn't at one of her coffee mornings/church/WI/etc. I think the main issue would be not having much personal space and getting in trouble for being messy etc. I would also need to ask for the house to be made a bit safer - things like dad keeping his tools, bits of motorbike etc in his garage or putting the fence back up tht separates his bike area from the rest of the garden.

Most of my stuff would have to go in storage, although I suppose dh would be living somewhere so he might have room.

Financially, I would have something lik £200 a week (presuming no housing benefit) so what would be a fair amount to offer my parents? £100 plus our share of the food budget? To increase/decrease with changes in my income?

Of course, they would be well within their rights to say I couldn't move in.

Then I could take driving lessons to make taking the kids to h easier. Although h might decide to move across here anyway - he lived here for 15 years so he knows plenty of people.

Eventually I could get my own house and either a job or claim HB (or both)

His parents are totally obsessed with the dds since brother in law died. As in, several people have toldm they are the only thing keeping fil going.

Sounds like you have it sorted, talk to your parents and see what they say

Then tell your "H" what your plans are, it's not negotiable, he has fucked up, you are sorting it in a way you see is best for your health and your dc's best interests so what he wants means jack right now until he has stopped drinking, quit his facebook account and got a job and there is security for you as a family.

What do I do about the kids seeing him?