To be petrified of giving birth and think I will die

[shittingit]

Posting here, because of traffic (v sorry)

I am 33 weeks pregnant, 2nd pregnancy. First labour involved a lot of intervention (pre eclampsia), it was horrible and I had issues afterwards due to lack of aftercare which included being re-admitted into hospital after a week. I suffered bad flashbacks and panic attacks afterwards but didn't seek help as I was scared of being judged unfit to care for my new baby. My whole memory of the birth and the subsequent few weeks fills me with terror and some parts of it are real hazy even though I have tried hard to remember the specifics.

This pregnancy has so far been ok, I have been under consultant care but never having met the actual consultant. I met his registrar once who said that so far I showed no signs of previous pre-eclmpsia so she saw no reason for me to be induced this time around - as long as I didn't develop it again. I know my last labour wasn't great so I have been usng the natal hypnotherapy cd and reading the book (can't afford the course), but recently I have woken up in the middle of the night, hot and clammy, unable to breathe, dreaming I am in labour and can't breathe, I feel the walls closing in on me. It takes me ages to calm myself down only for it to occur maybe again later on in the night.

I feel really weird,not like myself at all. I am in tears most of the time I am on my own, holding it together for dc1 who is a toddler now. Up until now my biggest fear was being induced but now I think if I give birth I am going to die, because I won't be able to breathe and I will leave dc1 and new baby orphans. Have discussed with DP but I don't think he understands and plus her works away a lot so other than being there for the birth I am pretty much on my own most of the time with DC1.

In rational moments I can recognise I am being silly, but in the evenings (it some how feels worse in the eveings) I can feel the fear getting worse, I try and practice my breathing techniques but then I get distracted by my bely moving or kicks and I just know I will either die trying to birth this baby or worse something will happen to the baby during labour because I will panic and freak out.

wibu to ask for a cs? and will the mw laugh me out of the surgery when I ask her tomorrrow?

Sounds like you have serious birth trauma after-effects. I think you should explain this to your mw and ask if they have a birth trauma counselling unit. I think they used to offer c/s in serious cases but I'm not sure if this is still the policy. But it sounds like you're having some fairly substantial mental health issues over it so you probably need some treatment for that.

you need to explain all this to the midwife, perhaps print out your post, you wont be the first person this scared x

YANBU to ask for a c-section, and I think as of last year all women have the right to a c-section so your mw should not laugh you out of the surgery. She may try and dissuade you though.

You're not being silly btw. You've had a traumatic experience that you don't want to go through again, that's completely rational.

Your 2nd labour will probably be completely unlike your first.

My GP assured me after my first labour, (where I nearly died after a lot of bleeding that went un-noticed by the midwife who had left me and my husband alone without realising it was happening post-birth) that it wouldn't happen again and that she actually knew a colleague who had a similar experience, then went on to have a home birth.

I didn't believe her. But my second labour and birth was totally different. A complete breeze and no complications.

Explain your feelings to your MW or GP, whoever you feel is more sympathetic, and see what they say.

I have tried to explain to cmw once, albeit in a roundabout sort of way. I have been having weekly appts with a cmw to monitor me due to prev pregnancy. I asked if I could use the mw led unit and she sad no as I was high risk, at which point I mentioned previous induction and how I really didn't want it this time. Also mentioned how scared I felt last time but I did it in a laughey way (I do this a lot- underplay things or make it into a joke- dunno why apart from being a total dick), she just said well considering it was my second and I have been there/done that I should be fine.

I just think I really didn't think this pregnancy through, like the getting the baby out bit. Up until now I was worried about being induced and having epidural and forceps etc etc now I am thinking of asking for a C section, and it has all come about so suddenly that I can't make head nor tail of it.

I think printing this will help, copy and paste to word then she doesnt need to see your user ID.

FWIW, I went from forceps vacuum and tears to a water birth in an MLU for the second birth, which was lovely.

Have a look for the latest NICE guidelines on CS, both for tokophobia and maternal request. You can't be refused a cs on cost grounds, and if the first consultant you see isn't supportive of your choice he/she has to refer you to a peer.
YANBU, not even a little bit.
BTW I had my 3 by ELCS, all very calm, super fast and pain free. Extremely positive. Good luck x

I had a terrible three day labour with dd1 and severe bleeding with an MC for DD2 I did the Marie Mongan hypnobirthing book downloaded my own choice of hypno music and fell asleep doing the breathing to that music every night.

DD2 I delivered her head on the pavement outside the unit the rest after I was whipped in in a wheelchair, I was so relaxed the mw sent me home when my surges were 5 mins apart as it couldn't be established labour there was no pain, I slept through the rest leaving it a wee bit late to get back in!

Keep on with the hypnobirthing, tell yourself no two labours are the same but also book an appointment with your consultant and be honest about the panic attacks, write it down so you don't downplay it and ask for help.

Good luck xx

FWIW if your midwife laughs you out of surgery she should loose her job for being unprofessional and not doing her job properly.

There is a medically recognised condition called Tocophobia - fear of childbirth. NICE updated their guidelines on ELCS and explicitly mention the condition.

Whether you are suffering from tocophobia or not isn't up to me to say, but if you have had a traumatic first birth and have suffered extreme anxiety during this pregnancy, there is a possibly you could be - which is why your midwife should take what you say seriously.

Tocophobia is a mental health issue that needs support - it can be in the form of granting an ELCS or it could be to give you other forms of extra emotional support, before or during labour.

As for feeling silly. You aren't. Its perfectly normal given your previous experience. And since it is a phobia, trying to think about things rationally won't necessarily work - phobias by their very nature are irrational and do make you look all sense of proportion. They make you unable to look at things in a way which other people are able to. But don't stress it! Research shows that the problem is a lot more common than you think - its just a taboo subject so rarely talked about - especially in a culture of 'too posh to push' ignorance. Like I say - you aren't being silly. At all.

You do not have to justify how you feel to ANYONE. What you feel is ACCEPTABLE. It does not make you weak or useless or any of the other thoughts of negativity you might have going through your head.

This topic comes up pretty much every two weeks or so on the child birth section. I'd say that makes you a lot more 'normal' than you might think you are.

Insist on a CS if you want one. You can get one if you make enough fuss, but don't let them bully you out of it. Elective c-sections can be a lovely, calm experience.

You aren't being unreasonable at all. You've every reason to be afraid and every reason to want to avoid the last awful experience recurring.

Excellent advice has been given on talking about this to the consultants, so all I will say is I hope you have a stress-free birth, however it occurs, and enjoy your new baby.

Thank you for the replies, I am seeing her tomorrow, so will try and talk to her about it. I have never met my consultant depite being under consultant led care throughout this pregnancy.

YANBU to be frightened, I think everyone is to a degree. Especially if you have had a traumatic experience the first time around.

Would really recommend you read some things by Birth Without Fear - a lot of people find their second birth is not only the complete opposite of their first, but also helps with the trauma from the first time.

Sending you a big un-MN hug.

You might find that the second birth will be a healing experience that actually helps a lot in overcoming the first. Often second births are a breeze compared to first ones.

As you've had no complications so far you are on course now for a normal birth - hang on to that. Good luck tomorrow, hope the mw can lay your fears to rest a bit.

Btw, if you'd like to meet your consultant you can always specifically ask to do so. I think it would be a strange one who refused.

I don't think you should ask the mw for a c/s... just for help.

Hopefully she asks how you have been, which is your opportunity to say you aren't sleeping, due to nightmares and huge anxiety about the birth. The worry that this birth will go wrong is becoming all consuming. Everyone you try to open up to brushes you off with platitudes that you find belittling & patronising. Lack of sleep & toddler is wearing you out mentally & physically.

You still have time to have informed discussions, review options etc.

Totally different circumstances but for my birth with medical condition I was very reassured by discussion with consultant at which we agreed the stages of intervention. I wasn't in fear of being left in labour for days & risking complications with my other condition.

I think seeing your consultant would allay some fears, especially if they listen & respect your views & fears.

Can you try a few hyno-therapy sessions, for calming purposes?

Try and remember every birth is different , you won't have the same this time.

You do seem very distressed by it though . I'm not one for supporting CS on demand , but I think you really should talk to your midwife /consultant about having one .

Good luck and I hope you have a positive birth this time , however it happens .

My 1st birth resulted in me having to be virtually stitched back together the surgeon stopped counting at 100 he said. I had a blood transfusion, almost had a heart attack and was in hospital for ages, it was awful. Before my 2nd I wrote everyone goodbye letters and hid them in my wardrobe as well as a plan for my funeral and made sure all my paperwork etc was in order, I was convinced I was going to die. Cue a pretty easy labour, no stitches and me practically running in my house the day after I had baby to get rid of all the evidence. I think what you are feeling is normal, but I'm sure you will have a very different birth this time. Please speak to your MW she will have heard this 10000 times before and will reassure you.

I had a terrrible, terrrible emergency csection experience where as a results of an inattentive anaesthesiatist my heartrate slowed down to such an extent I couldn't breathe (heart stopped), this was compounded by the block going to high (over my neck) so in the moments leading up to me losing consciousness I felt like I was slowly drowning in a sea of thick mucous I couldn't breathe in.

I have just had my second baby and she was breach and iugr so csection recommended. Op I was terrified, the closer I came to having my baby the worse it got. No one really understood, what helped me a bit was discussing fully and frankly my fears with any medical person I came across who could have possibly been going to be involved with the second csection. I also discussed with my oh what I needed him to keep an eye out for and to do if same situation arose.

To be honest I was still so scared of dying but doing this (just) allowed me to keep it under control. Lots of hugs, it is a horrid, horrid way to be feeling when it is meant to be a happy time.

I'm not one for supporting CS on demand??

Well its a bloody good good, that NICE looked at the scientific evidence and concluded that mental health reasons are valid and that there are certain circumstances where a woman who askes for a ELCS is doing so for good reason. Or we'll be stuck forever in the dark ages.

Put simply, a request for an ELCS is more often than not a red flag for other things. Whether or not a woman eventually gets an ELCS is not the point here; the point is the request should always be listened to and taken seriously and never dismissed. The worst fear for a lot of women, is precisely this - that they will be belittled and dismissed about choices regarding their care. Sometimes a discussion and going through problems and reassuring someone this isn't the case is going to be a solution - thankfully NICE recognised that in order to do this women feeling that they will always be able to have an ELCS if all over options fail is an essential part of the safety net.

Of course what NICE say is only a guideline, but NICE make recommendations which are based on the latest evidence and research in order to make sure that medicine is progressive, rather than listening to the likes of the Daily Mail who like to push the idea that requests for ELCS are driven primarily by celebrity culture rather than a geninue mental health concern.

Its taken a hell of a long time for depression to be put on the map as a real issue that should be taken seriously. I'm sure that it will take a long time for tokophobia to be too, but attitudes like I'm not one for supporting CS on demand are really unhelpful if they don't look at WHY someone is asking for an ELCS properly.

Sadly, the political climate and cultural climate doesn't get very far past Victoria Beckham and a price tag that doesn't add up any other downstream costs and never wants to discuss the mental health issues going on here, because well mental health doesn't really sell newspapers now does it? Nor does the subject please deeply ingrained ideological beliefs and people are far too happy to be dismissive, regardless of the scienfic literature available. All add up to a lack of willingness to try and do more research and to change things for the better all round.

It sounds like you have ptsd and pregnancy anxiety. Anxiety classically gets worse as the day progresses.

I requested and got an ec due to fear of childbirth(previous traumatic birth and dreadful anxiety in pregnancy) It was the best day of my life.

I think Ad's would help you a lot and are safe to take in preganacy

xx

Oh dear, I was like you before my first baby, absolutely petrified, though with no prior traumas other than a late miscarriage... my first labour and birth did not go well, so for my second I requested a cs...

they were reluctant until about 10 hrs into the labour when it looked very much like it was going the same way as labour no 1. They then consented to an ec and like orange, it was just lovely and I recovered really fast.

Get your DH to go with you and put the pressure on, if you like.

Best of luck

I'm all for natural birth, and had 3 lovely home births using hypnobirthing but I practiced it a lot from very early on in each pregnancy. I also did a course and a top up session for dc2.

I would say if this is how you're feeling at 33 weeks you're going to need quite a few sessions to help you deal how you are feeling about giving birth again....if this isn't possible or you really feel it won't work (I still had a small amount of doubt in the back of my mind) then go for an elcs.

I've read some lovely elcs birth stories - if you know exactly what's going to happen you can plan much better for it and it can be just as lovely as a hippy home birth .
You really need to put your foot down with your MW though, work yourself up into a state and turn on the tears if she needs more convincing!

Hmmthinkingaboutit , in response to your post which was clearly aimed at me , and my " attitude" re :I'm not one for supporting cs on demand .

My personal thoughts are that birth is supposed to be a natural process , I think it should have as little medical intervention as safely possible .Given that , i do not think CS should be given out on a whim , such as fitting birth around plans previously made ect.

However I wholeheartedly support women who need a CS to ensure the health of themselves and their babies .

That Includes their mental health . Previous Birth trauma or PTSD is not only traumatic but can lead onto long term depression ( both PND and regular depression) , it can destroy those first few precious months for a new mother. No woman should suffer if it can be in anyway avoided .

Whether it is recognised or not , a C-section is a major operation , it takes weeks not days to recover from in itself and is not to be taken as an easy option.

Because I did not elaborate on my post I think you have misconstrued my meaning a little ....and for what it's worth I doubt anyone with even a smidgin of intelligence would hold up anything that's written in the daily mail ( or other newspapers in general) as the basis on to which form an opinion , let alone believe it as to what public opinion is either .

Wasnt too impressed with the Victoria Beckham comment either . I assume you must have her confidential medical records to hand , because no one knows if or more importantly why she's had CS or not and quite frankly I seriously doubt if anyone would get a CS on requesting one because Mrs Beckhams rumoured to have had one . I have never ever met a person that stupid , who would do such a thing . Certainly there is a "celeb culture " , but surely that's just driven by the media itself to sell papers , not one person I've ever met has expressed wishes to give birth in a certain way because they are a " fan" of someone . It's a myth .

Droves, Too Posh to Push is called too Posh to Push BECAUSE of Victoria Beckham regardless of whether its actually true or not. You don't need to tell me about myths, I am well aware of them, but politicans and people in power are STILL peddling that shit.

Given this is a sensitive subject, saying something like you did only upsets people who face A FIGHT to get their medical problems recognised. A FIGHT. Its not being given out lightly and women who probably have a very real medical need are being dismissed, belittled or otherwise villified for wanting a CS. They are being made to jump through hoops or constantly feel like they are being sneered at or judged by others.

THAT needs to stop too. So any obstacle or attitude that makes a woman feel like that needs to be seriously confronted and told NO THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. There needs to be a lot more benefit of the doubt given here. No one asks for major surgery and gets in a tis about even asking about that without having a problem. I'm sorry but your comments DO play down how soul destorying and how this takes over your life.

Support is what is needed. Not someone spewing their ideology or personal beliefs.