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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go away without dp?

27 replies

SpottedGurnard · 22/08/2012 10:08

I am going to my parents house 300 miles away today. I have an exam on saturday to sit and was really looking forward to spending some time with everyone. I have been signed off work for stress and need to just get out of here.

I was really looking forward to catching up with old friends who I havnt seen for many years since getting together with dp- he is always around and I think my friends are getting fed up of the fact we are always together (me too).

DP is working so I thought I had planned it right. But no. Hes announced hes going to get a train up (£60- using up the emergency money I put in his account as he hasnt been paid for new job yet).

I did say I wanted to catch up with friends and spend some time on my own but he mocked me and asked if they have answered my message yet. He knows full well Ive been really down because ive lost touch with everyone and bit the bullet last night to send out a message to try to restore things.

Aibu to just want to get away?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 22/08/2012 10:11

no yanbu! tell him you're going alone

CakeBump · 22/08/2012 10:16

No! You're not siamese twins!

He sounds a little bit controlling tbh - why does he want to come with you? Can you explain you'd rather go on your own?

I'd go mental if I didn't get away from DH occasionally :)

FutTheShuckUp · 22/08/2012 10:18

Urghh he sounds vile- tell him you NEED some time without him

thisisyesterday · 22/08/2012 10:20

oh and you should mock him back and ask why he can't bear to be alone for a couple of days and if he doesn't have any friends of his own he could catch up instead of following you aroudn everywhere

Original poster
SpottedGurnard · 22/08/2012 10:33

Thisisyesterday- the ironic thing is his best friends and brother have arranged to do something without him this weekend.

He is the one who has kept pointing out to me that "people move on, they dont consider you their friend anymore" which makes me feel shit Sad.

I'm so fed up of swinging feom one argument to another and then him pretending its all ok inbetween. Right now Im hiding in the bathroom because I used his beloved netbook and it got a virus. I did sort it out but I still get shouted at.

OP posts:
GnocchiNineDoors · 22/08/2012 10:38

Hmm...is there other stuff he does too?

Id be seeing little red flags here.

thursday · 22/08/2012 10:41

run away! don't come back!

Original poster
SpottedGurnard · 22/08/2012 10:44

Gnocci- he's become a walking cliche. Its not as far as abusive but some things are very weird and controlling.

Like the constantly wanting to take my car and not ever paying for fuel. He asks, and when I say no he takes the keys anyway.

Or if we're both sitting down he will turn to me and ask me to get him a drink, or food or whatever.

Or having a go at me because I havnt applied for "enough" jobs (in his opinion) but then moaning that we're not going out when I sit down to focus on jobs.

He wasnt like this at all when we first met and if I had known I wouldn't have got so involved.

OP posts:
GnocchiNineDoors · 22/08/2012 10:53

Maybe there are steps you could take to make yourself less involved?

diplomatic attempt at Leave the Bastard

ChaoticismyLife · 22/08/2012 11:01

He sounds like a vile, nasty twat.

Go home and forget to return.

Davsmum · 22/08/2012 11:02

I would feel suffocated,.. tell him you do not want him to join you as it will ruin your plans.
He has no right to tell you that your friends have moved on and don't want you as a friend anymore,.. how does he know ?!!

pictish · 22/08/2012 11:04

Telling you that your friends have moved on and don't want to be friends with you any more is awful. It's a blatant attempt to make you doubt them and rely more heavily and soley on him, which is the point of the exercise. He wants to be your number one priority to the exclusion of everything else.

Alarm bells and red flags ringing and flying all over the shop OP!

simplesusan · 22/08/2012 11:05

Go without him.
Tell him you have already made plans to do things with your friends that don't include him.

helenthemadex · 22/08/2012 11:07

run away as fast as you can

schoolgovernor · 22/08/2012 11:08

So why are you with him? Do you have children together?

TastesLikePanda · 22/08/2012 11:13

Run. Run til you can run no more!

I thought this was going to be one of those 'aibu to go to a hotel without dp and read books and drink wine for two days' because I always post on those, encouraging people to do it... I go away by myself all the time and I love it!

But honestly, love, he sounds deranged and cruel. DPs are supposed to make you feel awesome, not bully you into doing things you don't want to do.

The big clue here is that you tried to plan it so he couldn't come and now he's insisting on coming along... and you don't want him to

zanywany · 22/08/2012 11:13

Are you with my XP as he used to tell me my friends weren't bothered about me too. If they didn't immediately reply to a text then to him that indicated they didn't like me anymore. Couldn't come to a party, that will be because they didn't like me. Was only after we split that I could see what he had done to my friendships and its only now a couple of years later that things have got back to normal and that I don't doubt my friends so much. I realise he was soooo wrong. Ignore and go without him and treasure your friendships

CakeBump · 22/08/2012 11:35

He sounds like a bit of a lead weight to be honest.

Is he fun? Are you getting anything out of this relationship?

OldGreyWiffleTest · 22/08/2012 11:43

My son's girlfriend is like this, and it will break them up eventually.

He goes to Tai Chi - she joins. He goes to motorbike club - she joins. She finds any excuse to come round on the 4 days she doesn't stay here. He just can't get away. If he says anything she bursts into tears.

She also texts him constantly and gets upset when he doesn't always reply (or reply quick enough!).

She's smothering him, and it sounds as though your partner is doing the same to you.

Ithinkitsjustme · 22/08/2012 11:51

YANBU, but you know that. Can you arrange NOT to be where he thinks he is when he travels up? Go to a hotel or stay with a different friend? I think you need to have some time away from him and to meet up with friends where YOU can decide whether they really like you or not (not that I doubt that they do, but it sounds like you might need to see it for yourself)

FermezLaBouche · 22/08/2012 11:54

He sounds quite worrying, IMO. Does he put you down in other ways? Also, next time he takes your keys I would be bloody tempted to ring the police and report car stolen!

thisisyesterday · 22/08/2012 11:59

he sounds like a right catch op!

i would take this time away from him to have a good think about where you want the relationship to go

Original poster
SpottedGurnard · 22/08/2012 12:52

I wish I could report my car stolen but its a company car and he is on the insurance too to drive it.

No DCs just a whole interweaved life. I dont know how to even start getting lut of rental agreement and moving my furniture out. He owes me a heap of money too which I would have to kiss goodbye if I left.

OP posts:
redexpat · 22/08/2012 13:51

I am seeing red flags here. You say it's not abuse. I'm sure at some point in hte future it will be. isolating you from your freinds is a BIG red flag. Making you feel worthless will lead to the idea that you are 'lucky' to have him and wont be able to function without him. You are more important than the money he owes you. Yes it sucks. Write it off and leave the bastard (that's my first ever one).

Mogyzogwon · 22/08/2012 13:55

He owes you a heap of money!!!???

He's a scrounging arsewipe, cut your loses, tell him to fuck off, and move on to a better future.