Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to want apology for ruined washing

78 replies

zozzle · 22/08/2012 09:58

DP put some of my delicate items in a normal wash and they are now unwearable - one was expensive the other 3 weren't. It was an honest mistake, he assumed the pile on the floor was for washing as it was not in the normal place and it looked dirty.

When I expressed my upset (I didn't go mad just miffed) he said it was regretable and we could buy some more. I said that I accepted it was a mistake but that I felt upset and went off to watch some telly. 5 mins later I said "an apology might be nice" then he completely lost it saying didn't I get the spirit of what he was saying, that yes it was a shame but he wasn't going to apologise as he felt he'd done nothing wrong and it was just a case of "semantics". He then said I was equally to blame for leaving a pile of washing in a different location to normal. He then slammed the door and left the house for 15 mins!

Yes it's good that he's doing his share of the housework and to be fair usually he's not adverse to apologising "if he feels he's done something wrong". Today he says "he wants to move on from it" but still no apology.

He is stressed at work but still, isn't it normal to apologise if you accidently ruin something that belongs to someone else even if it was an honest mistake? Ie. isn't it just good manners? If he'd apologised straight away, then we could have forgotten about it and moved on a lot earlier in the evening.

AIBU?

OP posts:

pictish · 22/08/2012 10:46

My dh wouldn't have a clue about satin bras needing to be washed seperately from everything else....and he does most of the washing in here by a long chalk. It wouldn't occur to him whatsoever.
In fact, if you asked my dh to just point out a satin bra he'd be nonplussed.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 22/08/2012 10:49

It's a bit weird your DH didn't actually apologise in the first place, does he have an issue with this normally? Some people find it hard to say sorry! He sounds very defensive.

My OH recently put my £110 silk Reiss top (dry clean only) in with our white bedding as he thought it was a pillowcase. Tbf I'd just shoved it in the laundry basket as I usually sort the washing out. He apologised straight away when he took it out and was mortified. I wasn't cross as he'd had good intentions.

noblegiraffe · 22/08/2012 10:51

He tried to do you a favour and it went wrong and you are having a strop because despite accepting he did wrong and offering to replace the clothes he didn't reply in exactly the word format that you want?

Why are you so hung up on it?

Davsmum · 22/08/2012 10:51

God,.. if you get that upset about that - I hope he never does anything really bad.
Poor bloke !

Original poster

zozzle · 22/08/2012 10:55

Its just how I've been bought up I guess. If I ruin something of someone else's by mistake I say "sorry". Saying "oh, that's regrettable" is not the same thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

zozzle · 22/08/2012 10:55

Sorry - "brought up"

OP posts:

Teeb · 22/08/2012 10:56

It was a mistake that he is happy to rectify. You need to get over it.

I think some people hold too much store in the word sorry and get hung up about such a tiny detail.

noblegiraffe · 22/08/2012 10:58

And presumably he doesn't see the need to apologise for something that was an accident and not deliberate. Your opinion isn't right and his wrong, just different.

nickelcognito · 22/08/2012 10:58

i'll go against the grain.

he should have apologised.

just because it was an accident means he's absolved from feeling bad about it? no.

if someone does something that ruins something of yours, whether deliberate or accident, they should say sorry for that. because it's not about his feelings- all his stuff is fine. it's about your feelings.

and i agree, "that's regrettable" is like saying it was someone else's fault.

helenthemadex · 22/08/2012 10:58

it was an accident and something that's very easily done from someone who has just washed the contents of the swimming bag and included goggles and a packet of tissues

nickelcognito · 22/08/2012 10:59

oh, and my DH checks labels or asks me if he's not sure about any item of clothing.

that's what normal, thinking humans do, male or female.

MadBusLady · 22/08/2012 11:01

YANBtotallyU

What's wrong with just saying sorry? First word that would come out of my mouth. Of course he didn't do it on purpose (maybe that's what he thinks you're implying), but he did it, and it went wrong. Anybody would say "Sorry". "It is regrettable" indeed, what is he, a government spokesman? It's not a big deal, but I would be briefly miffed too, and instantly soothed by an honest "sorry".

However, he did then say, "We'll buy some more" which is the right thing, and he deserves credit for that.

Sirzy · 22/08/2012 11:01

You left a pile of clothes on the floor he washed them. It went wrong as he said they could be replaced.

Accidents happen, not worth sulking about

Original poster

zozzle · 22/08/2012 11:02

Yes I guess that's the crux of it - how much store people place in the actual word "sorry".

I say it easily when I feel its needed so I guess I apply that to others.

OP posts:

OhDearNigel · 22/08/2012 11:03

you are totally overreacting. What do you expect him to do, grovel on the floor ?

MadBusLady · 22/08/2012 11:04

Come to think of it, "sorry" is the first word that comes out of my mouth a lot.

Sirzy · 22/08/2012 11:05

Surely this is a case of actions speak louder than words. He could have said sorry and left it or he could replace it like has been agreed - I know which one suggests he is sorry more to me!

pictish · 22/08/2012 11:07

By the same token, it's a word that's flung about with little to back it up. Saying sorry is easy....and some people think that's all it takes to shut someone up.

Imho he did better than that by offering to replace the items, which is actually doing something about it, rather than just opening his mouth and letting his belly rumble.

Fgs stop going on about it. You're getting on my nerves....never mind his!

NellyJob · 22/08/2012 11:08

YABU give the guy a break, he offered to buy you new stuff right? and he does the washing? what more could you want from a husband?

MadBusLady · 22/08/2012 11:10

Well, it's true there can be dishonest "sorries" that aren't then backed up by action. They're no good either.

I just think it suggests a pretty mean, narrow sense of responsibility to (rather elaborately) avoid saying the word "sorry" for ruining someone's top, just because you didn't do it on purpose.

He probably felt like a bit of an idiot for doing it, and is being a bit defensive.

LeggyBlondeNE · 22/08/2012 11:11

I had to explain to my other half once that I actually find the word 'sorry' very comforting and important when I've felt hurt by something.

Which is why, like you, I would have expected it to be the first word he said on showing you the ruined items.

Following up with buying new ones would have made it the perfect resolution.

If he knows how you feel about the word sorry, then YANBU, if he doesn't you should rpboably (calmly) explain.

droves · 22/08/2012 11:12

I think he did appologise op , but didn't use " I'm sorry" , in the way he said it .

If my dh ruined my stuff and said we could buy more , I'd be secretly pleased at getting some swanky new gear , so it would sort of be worth it getting stuff ruined .

Can't really say much else , considering I washed Dh's wallet , including his bank cards , driving licence , lottory quick pay card and various receipts ( for big expensive stuff like tv ,and important stuff like work on car , council tax ect )
Partly his fault for not taking it out his jeans , mostly my fault for not paying attention to what im doing ( and not checking pockets are empty) .

Dh is pretty good about it , I ruin his stuff all the time ...most recent his favorite tshirt ( hugo boss , mega -treat was his Xmas pressie from me ) . He just laughs and threatens to take his laundry to his mums ! ( hes joking , he does laundry all the time )

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/08/2012 11:13

Actually, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

These items were not in the washing pile. He "doesn't normally touch things that are in a diff place to normal." It was reasonable for you to assume that these items were therefore 'safe'.

Having damaged them, is it not normal to say to the owner 'I'm sorry'? Hell, I apologise in the street to people who have walked into me - it's just normal, isn't it?

So what did he do instead? He fudged with saying "it was regrettable". Who the hell uses phrases like "it was regrettable" in day-to-day-speech? And then gets ansty when it's pointed out that an apology should have been forthcoming? And claims that you didn't "get the spirit of what he was saying". Then that "he wasn't going to apologise as he felt he'd done nothing wrong and it was just a case of "semantics"." ? The only way I can make sense of someone behaving like that is to translate it into "Bugger, I messed up but I don't want to take responsibility for it so I'll just throw a strop as a red herring instead". It's a variant of "I'm sorry that you're upset" being used in place of "I'm sorry that I did x that upset you". It's not taking ownership/responsibility for your own actions.

Completely arsey behaviour on his part, methinks.

Floggingmolly · 22/08/2012 11:16

He made a mistake, then offered to replace the ruined items. What's your gripe, exactly? Did you want him to somehow humble himself so you could regally "forgive" him? Why? .

I bet you always have to have the upper hand; I wouldn't have apologised in his place either.

MadBusLady · 22/08/2012 11:17

Hell, I apologise in the street to people who have walked into me - it's just normal, isn't it?

I do this too but I fear we're not really normal, no

Flip

1 2 3 4