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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to remind dp that it's my birthday.

55 replies

hectorthestandbyhawk · 22/08/2012 08:00

DP has forgotten it's my birthday this Friday. I know he's forgotten as he's not the type to do surprises and dd (6) doesn't know my birthday's coming up. I would expect him to know as we've been together 18 years and his birthday comes a week before mine.
I feel churlish for not reminding him then angry that I should have to. When dd was smaller I drip fed reminders to him mainly because I wanted dd to have the experience of making a card and getting a small present. The drip feeding would result in him remembering but there'd be lots of stress with this with comments like, 'Oh God - What do you want? You're going to be annoyed with me. There isn't time to find an open shop.' etc. Most things in life he's taken to saying don't remind me verbally send me an email to work. I put up with that but should I have to about my birthday?
DP is otherwise loyal and rings me every day from work because he wants to. It's not an example of him drifting away - he's always been just as frustrating.

OP posts:
ILiveInAPineapple · 22/08/2012 08:04

I wouldn't remind him. and then I would guilt trip him

And I would be really upset on the day.

My DH forgot our wedding anniversary when we had been married for 4 yrs, he went out in the morning and came back with a card and flowers from Sainsburys but I knew he had forgotten until he realised what the date was. At least it was before I gave him my card but I was still upset he had forgotten.

pjmama · 22/08/2012 08:04

What will you achieve by not reminding him? If he's always been rubbish at remembering dates, do you think this will cure him? If not, then you're just setting yourself up for a crappy birthday.

CouthyMow · 22/08/2012 08:05

Email him about your birthday?! W. T. Actual. F?! Especially when it's only a week after his? I wouldn't. And I would be pissed off if he forgot.

JeezyPeeps · 22/08/2012 08:05

Sounds like birthdays just aren't as important to him as they are to you. I don't remind people about my birthday - but I don't care if no-one notices.

IMO, you can't change him, so you have two choices.

Remind him, and get guaranteed attention.

Don't remind him and probably get no fuss at all.

IMO you would be being unreasonable if you didn't remind him and then got upset that there was no fuss - as you know he doesn't remember these things. But if, like me, you are happy to have no fuss, then YANBU to not remind him.

OnlyWantsOne · 22/08/2012 08:05

Book something lovely for you & friends to do to distract you - and don't bother about him At all. Seriously what's Thr point?!

tallslutnopanties · 22/08/2012 08:05

Hmmm.. Sounds like you have a couple of choices.

  1. Do the righteous indignation thing and don't remind him. Advantages: maybe he will be guilt tripped into remembering next year. Disadvantages: is it really worth getting that worked up? It's almost setting him up to fail which seems a bit unfair. I don't really like the whole martyrdom attitude as well (although I can be guilty of it to). Plus you'll probably be forced to spend your birthday in a strop which seems a shame.
  1. Tell him. I would probably do this so that you can decide what you want to get and do. Give him a bit of a talking to about forgetting but time to make it up to you before the actual day.
OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 22/08/2012 08:07

I think you should tell him, and give him a couple of ideas.

If you are a forgetful person, it is a horrible feeling, and there is very little you can do about it.

MrMiyagi · 22/08/2012 08:08

Do you often manipulate him I'm this way? Setting him up for a fall so you can be angry with him?

Eastpoint · 22/08/2012 08:09

Why not just say to him "What shall we do on my birthday? Shall we go out to dinner with DD or have you got something else in mind?" I don't really see what you have to gain by not reminding him other than being proved right.

Original poster
hectorthestandbyhawk · 22/08/2012 08:09

Thanks for replies. I will be 42 so not a particularly auspicious age. I think if I don't remind him I won't feel particularly stressed on the day. I'm going to set dd up with her pens to make me a card today then we'll hide it till Frid so I get a surprise.If I don't tell him it'll save me listening to him stressing about what to get me.

OP posts:
Coops79 · 22/08/2012 08:09

No idea what you should do but it's my birthday on Friday too! If your DH doesn't remember then come on here and we can slag him off together. Grin

noblegiraffe · 22/08/2012 08:11

Why would you not remind him, knowing that it would make your birthday shit? How can reminding him be worse than a shit birthday?

glenthebattleostrich · 22/08/2012 08:14

Sorry, there is no excuse. He obviously has an outlook type programme on his PC which comes complete with a calendar which can be used to set reminders.

DH is in charge of his families birthdays and after I set up reminders for everyone's birthdays / other important events he has no excuse for not remembering.

Ephiny · 22/08/2012 08:15

I doubt I'd remember DH's if he didn't remind me! I've never been good at remembering what other people consider 'important' dates.

Personally I don't see the need to make a fuss about adult's birthdays (and certainly don't want any fuss about mine) but if you particularly want him to do something, surely you should tell him what and when you want it Confused.

pjmama · 22/08/2012 08:15

If you're not too bothered about a fuss on the day, then you could always use him forgetting as an excuse to get a much bigger late present! Wink
My dad forgot to buy my mum a Christmas present one year (dozy bugger) - she milked that one for quite some time!

EugenesAxe · 22/08/2012 08:15

I have to say that I have inherited from DM an inclination to martyrdom, and I would revel in watching him deal with DD when you get cards from other people and she asks why. You are reliant on anger/indignation/upset on her part for it to work well though, so hopefully she would behave that way and not just be 'Oh! OK.'

In short, I wouldn't remind him, and I would just buy myself something I wanted.

TallDwarf · 22/08/2012 08:20

I'm on the fence. I would be seriously pissed off if dp couldn't remember my birthday as its 5 days after his, there is no excuse really.
However I'd also feel shit on the day if He forgot and I hadn't reminded him....

I'm going with yanbu. He should be perfectly able to remember or set a reminder on his phone. No need for the big fuss of finding a present the day before. That's just rude

Bearcrumble · 22/08/2012 08:30

It's annoying but I think it is a bit passive aggressive not to remind him as you know he won't remember. You might as well email him and include a link so he can buy what you want online.

You can't change the way he is about remembering but you can still get what you want! He'll probably be really grateful that he doesn't have to think about what to buy. You say he is a good husband in other respects so just accept that he loves you but is scatty about birthdays and needs to be directed.

Original poster
hectorthestandbyhawk · 22/08/2012 09:06

Mrmiyagi -I've reminded him for the last 17 years. Just don't feel like it this year.

Last year he came close to forgetting despite weekly reminders. When he remembered and started to panic about what to get me. I said, 'Get me a toaster' for a joke being the least romantic thing I could think of and being so annoyed he'd forgotten. I did however get a very expensive Magimix one in which you can see the toast toasting!!

Happy birthday for Friday Noblegiraffe. I like your name btw.

OP posts:
anewyear · 22/08/2012 09:15

Was my Birthday and Wedding Anniversary yesterday,
DH apparently forgot both, although he reminded his mum Sunday before last and we went out with friends this Saturday to a concert and they asking what Id like for my birthday..

GragPop · 22/08/2012 09:15

I would remind him, why make it an issue?

OxfordBags · 22/08/2012 09:27

YANBU, OP. It's not so much about expecting anything, is it, it's feeling that he can be bothered to think about you in a special way and put a tiny bit of effort in. As for your DD, why not tell her yourself? She might love planning and making something special for you. If you rely on him to tell her and he inevitably forgets, she might feel really upset and 'bad' about not doing anything. Give her the chance to feel good about treating Mummy well.

If it makes you feel any better, my Aunt always forgets to get my Dad anything for his birthday. They are TWINS.

Bosgrove · 22/08/2012 09:37

A couple of weeks ago it was my 40th birthday, two days before that it was my wedding anniversary.

When my friends wanted to take me our for my birthday, I said that it couldn't be on my anniversary, DH on the other hand arranged to lead a school trip to see womens wrestling that afternoon/ evening.

For my 40th I got cards from both DC and DH, no presents. I suppose it is partly my fault as I had said about a month ago I wasn't buying (and paying for) my own present this year.

I didn't want much, just a gesture to show he cares.

iscream · 22/08/2012 09:51

I have a horrible memory so I have everyone's birthdays set in e-mail reminders starting 2 weeks away from the day. He needs to do this.
Meanwhile, for this year, how about you planning something with your dd. Choose out a birthday cake and order it, she will love doing that. Maybe make reservations or simply plan going to a local restaurant for dinner, the 3 of you, or ordering in something, renting a movie or something. Just make you own plans doing something you'd enjoy.
After your birthday sit him down with his e-mail and get him to put in important dates with yearly reminders.
Hope you have a nice birthday!

DappyHays · 22/08/2012 10:03

If he's good in other ways, concentrate on his good points.

Would you rather be with an utter bastard who sent you flowers every week and never forgot an important date? saying this cos I had an ex who was always spoiling me with flowers and gifts but also not very faithful

If you deliberately don't remind him and you get nothing then you'll end up being miserable on your birthday.

Just tell him exactly what you want/where you want to go/what you want to do on your birthday and that way you get what you want and have the day you want. Surprises are overrated in any case.

Happy birthday for Friday!