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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to remind dp that it's my birthday.

55 replies

hectorthestandbyhawk · 22/08/2012 08:00

DP has forgotten it's my birthday this Friday. I know he's forgotten as he's not the type to do surprises and dd (6) doesn't know my birthday's coming up. I would expect him to know as we've been together 18 years and his birthday comes a week before mine.
I feel churlish for not reminding him then angry that I should have to. When dd was smaller I drip fed reminders to him mainly because I wanted dd to have the experience of making a card and getting a small present. The drip feeding would result in him remembering but there'd be lots of stress with this with comments like, 'Oh God - What do you want? You're going to be annoyed with me. There isn't time to find an open shop.' etc. Most things in life he's taken to saying don't remind me verbally send me an email to work. I put up with that but should I have to about my birthday?
DP is otherwise loyal and rings me every day from work because he wants to. It's not an example of him drifting away - he's always been just as frustrating.

OP posts:

chickenwingsmmmm · 22/08/2012 10:05

You know he has forgotten so tell him.
Its very childish to see this problem arising but not saying anything so you can be miserable and guilt him all day. Quite passive agressive as well.

EverybodyKnows · 22/08/2012 10:13

This made me chuckle because this is exactly what happened to me last year.

DH seemed to have completely forgotten but I still held hope that I had a surprise in store.

The morning of my birthday he asked me what date it was (cue me smiling and telling him ) and he replied : Oh brilliant my train ticket is still good for today ! He is notoriously bad with dates as is the rest of his family.

He only realised later and contacted me at work feeling really bad and apologising profusely and I was a bit - We went out for a meal that night and I got thew biggest bunch of my favorite flowers as well.

He got me an iPad to make up for it

oh and YANBU but if it will upset you do give him a hint.

Happy birthday for Friday.

IWishIWasSheRa · 22/08/2012 10:17

Don't be such a martyr!! Tell him!

Ithinkitsjustme · 22/08/2012 10:25

My DH always forgets "important" dates like anniversaries, birthdays etc, but they are not as important to him as they are to me, so while I never work on anyone's birthday (mine, DH's or DC's) he wouldn't dream of taking a day off for that. I nearly always remind him unless I think it will be more fun to make him feel guilty on our anniversary, by giving him a card before he goes to work and then I get a nice pressie when he gets home or a meal out, . In your shoes, I would tell your DD and let her remind Daddy if she wants to. At least she will have a chance to make you a really special card.

Covetingmychildrenseyelashes · 22/08/2012 11:32

Yanbu. He's an adult and should have the wherewithal to remember himself/set up a reminder so he doesn't forget.

Happy birthday for Friday.

Floggingmolly · 22/08/2012 11:52

Oh, just tell him, and stop being such a martyr! It would of course be far nicer if he remembered without any reminding, but he's not going to, is he?
You'll have a crap day if you spend it prickling with resentment.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 22/08/2012 12:43

Don't tell him, he's an adult and should remember. Hopefully he'll feel awful and buck up his ideas in future.

StuntGirl · 22/08/2012 13:14

I appreciate that not everyone 'gets' the deal about birthdays, and I think people are perfectly in their right to not think they are a big deal. I also think if your wife/partner/parents/siblings/whoever appreciate you remembering then it's only polite to do so. If your memory is crap write it on the calendar/put it in your phone/computer/whatever. I remember most people's birthdays without needing to write them down, my friend puts everyone's birthday in his phone with a reminder set a week before.

I realise this doesn't help you now though OP. I would do as the poster above suggested and email him saying "What shall we do for my birthday?" It gently reminds him without having a go at him and hopefully he will remember to wish you happy birthday on Friday.

whois · 22/08/2012 13:23

Oh god, birthdays are hard to remember.

Just send him a meeting request, with a reminder 1 week, 3 days. 1 day before and on the day!

Liketochat1 · 22/08/2012 15:13

I would remind him. There's nothing to be gained by making him feel bad (if he's just a forgetful husband but otherwise fine) or by spoiling your own day.

Ithinkitsjustme · 22/08/2012 15:16

Or book a meal out, get a babysitter and tell on the night when you hand him the bill

Original poster

hectorthestandbyhawk · 22/08/2012 15:40

Thanks again for replies. DP and I don't often go out but coincidentally dd has her first sleepover the night before my birthday so dp and I are going out for a meal because we can. Perhaps I'll mention it when the waiter brings the bill.

OP posts:

anewyear · 22/08/2012 17:08

OxfordBags Wed 22-Aug-12 09:27:26
YANBU, OP. It's not so much about expecting anything, is it, it's feeling that he can be bothered to think about you in a special way and put a tiny bit of effort in.

Exactly OxfordBags, A card from our local village shop would do..

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2012 18:23

Yes, plan something for yourself and involve your dd, then he'll be both pleased and grateful on the day.

For the future though, there is no excuse for an adult forgetting the birthday of someone close to them. He knows he has a bad memory, so he needs a strategy to deal with it, like buying a diary and writing in it!

So he's not only bad with dates but repeatedly forgets that he's bad with dates, in the face of ongoing evidence and, during odd moments of clarity, refuses to deal with it? That's lazy and self-absorbed.

I can't believe the number of people saying they're not good with dates, as though that's a reasonable excuse. Does that go down well at work? Also, it's how much importance the other person places on their birthday that counts, not how much you do, so think they ought to.

ImperialBlether · 22/08/2012 18:27

OP, does he remember his own birthday? If you said nothing, would he remember?

What do you do for his birthday?

Socknickingpixie · 22/08/2012 18:38

it was my birthday last week i didnt remind anybody it was and i didnt get any cards or presants in all fairness i didnt realise it was my birthday untill my best friend phoned me at about 8pm and told me

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2012 18:42

I'm afraid I see adults needing to be reminded about birthdays as a common example of expecting their partner to take over from / become their mother, which I find repellant and which makes me irrationally cross.

Recognising that other people place different importance on celebrations and may celebrate them diffrently from your family is a basic social skill and also part of growing up.

I realise I'm generalising around your point to express a more general view but there you go, I feel better! (DP is responsible for his family and friends' birthdays, me mine. He's good with my birthday. His mum though plays a game with all her grown-up children of reminding them of each others' birthdays, then expressing amusement and faux irritation when they get cross because she didn't. I suppose it gives them all something to talk about).

Original poster

hectorthestandbyhawk · 22/08/2012 20:41

Dp would not do family cards and presents unless I got them. One year I experimented with pretending to forget his birthday. I did it because 1. He doesn't bother about other peoples' and 2. He makes a thing that he doesn't agree with celebrating something just because he's expected to. At the end of his work day he rang and asked if I knew what day it was. He was put out and said at least a card would have been nice. Dd just showed him the card she'd made for him last week. We all laughed bout how lovely it was. He still didn't twig.

OP posts:

MrsClown1 · 22/08/2012 20:47

I dont think he is like this to hurt you or because he doesnt care. Remind him with good humour and just accept he can be a bit forgetful. I can never remember our wedding anniv! Weve only been married for 5 years! I love him so much and wish I didnt forget but he knows my memory is shocking with dates!He always reminds me bless him (DH I mean!). I know I sound a bit soppy but really its not worth upsetting yourself about. He sounds a lovely bloke in every other way. No one is perfect.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2012 21:23

Ooh, you see that 'not celebrating something just because he's expected to' idea is very self-centred too, it's about prioritising his values and what he wants, failing to recognise that we celebrate others' birthdays because they'll appreciate it and it's a way of demonstrating that we care about them. One that is recognised to an extent that if we don't, they are likely to perceive a lack of care. (Can you tell I have a bee in my bonnet about this subject? It's because of time spent considering why DP and his family's attitude bothers me).

I was astounded to hear DP (in his 30s) talking about recognising his siblings birthdays in terms of 'getting in trouble' with his mother if he didn't, not about being nice to them, reciprocating their being nice to him, or recognising that the adult thing to do is actively maintain your own relationships with your siblings to the extent that you both choose. One day she's going to die and they will have no idea how to talk to each other.

I have sometimes felt very cross with him for sending them presents late, because he doesn't care, and for not writing thank you notes for gifts or when we've stayed with people, which is about different upbringings and manners but I feel he's being rude and ungrateful. I hate the fact that this does reflect on me, because the social expectation that women will take responsibility for these niceties is so widely embedded but my belief that he's a grown-up is stronger.

GragPop · 22/08/2012 21:28

Maybe you should just sit down and have another go at telling him how you feel about the whole situation.

Original poster

hectorthestandbyhawk · 22/08/2012 22:16

Gragpop - I would hope that would work but we've been having these conversations for years. it's actually a relief just to leave it and see what happens.

OP posts:

GragPop · 22/08/2012 22:17

Well good luck and Happy Birthday for friday. :)

anewyear · 24/08/2012 15:30

Happy birthday for today..

2rebecca · 24/08/2012 15:36

I would remind him. I'm quite forgetful with dates, it doesn't mean I love the person any less. Your options are reminding him and enjoying getting something for your birthday or feeling sulky on your birthday because he has forgotten and making him feel guilty. I remind my kids when it's my birthday. This doesn't happen with kids as they tell you weeks in advance that it's their birthdays. Adults refuse to mention their birthdays, act as though it's a great secret and then get huffy when busy people forget them.

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