Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

letting my teen out when friend is due round

28 replies

msnaughty · 21/08/2012 23:51

i have a really good friend who helps me with painting and things like that. she has 2 children who are 3 and 10. i have 4 children, who are 2,5,9 and 15.
my 9 year old son still plays kiddie type games. her 10 year old does not. and she and my 15 year old get alone well. they have girly chats bit of chat about boys and things.

yesterday my friend was going to come over with her 2 children. my teen was going out with her friends. and my friend heard me say good bye to my daughter. then she seemed to get mooody with me and my daughter because my daughter was going out and would not be here to keep her daughter company. There were a couple of moody text messages sent to my daughter about coming home to keep her daughter company. my daughter said' i am allowed out you know'! Then my friend called me back moaning about my daughter being rude. My daughter does get along with her daughter. But my daughter is 15 and wants to be around friends her own age.

OP posts:

larks35 · 21/08/2012 23:56

YANBU your daughter is not obliged to play with hers, she is totally out of order for texting your daughter! Maybe she and you should encourage her daughter to befriend your 9yo DS, he must feel a bit left out!

scurryfunge · 21/08/2012 23:58

I don't think your 15 year old should feel responsible for entertaining a 10 year old if she has other things planned. The 10 year old no doubt looks up to her but it is not a realistic friendship. I'm sure the 10 year old can occupy herself for the visit.

Birdsgottafly · 21/08/2012 23:59

There is to big an age difference to make your DD keep your friends DD company.

If she is going to be around, then fair enough, they mix, but it is unfair to keep her in and the girl is to young to go out with her.

It is her 10 year old that should adapt, to the younger children's games, your DD is becoming a young woman, whose POV you should respect.

Tartymuffin · 22/08/2012 00:01

YANBU - it is unreasonable to expect a 15 year old to cancel their plans so they can entertain a 10 year old.

The fact that she has done this in the past was very nice of her, and she'll probably do it again - but she does have a right to say no too.

She also has the right to respond to moody text messages. I think I'd be having words with any friend who sent my child moody texts - it's not appropriate, and it's also not her place to ask your DD to come home to entertain her child.

I don't know many (any?) 15 year olds who would give up plans with friends to keep a 10 year old company. Your friend should bring stuff for her DD to do - she shouldn't be relying on your daughter to look after her child whilst she is present.

Your friend is being very unreasonable (and bloody cheeky with the texts!)

Original poster

msnaughty · 22/08/2012 00:03

lark: my 9yo ds. plays kiddie type games hid and seek, pay with toy guns,lego and things like that. friend 10 year old is much older. teen dd has stayed in sometimes to keep the 10 year od company and they do get along. but also my teen has her own things to do as well.

OP posts:

ErikNorseman · 22/08/2012 05:25

Why on earth is this woman texting your daughter? How inappropriate.

Sunnydelight · 22/08/2012 06:08

YANBU and she definitely shouldn't be texting your DD to moan, that's really inappropriate. I am in a similar position because my friend's 10yo DD has now decided that she's too grown up to play with her 8yo sister and my 9yo DD, she wants to hang out with my 13yo DS instead and play Minecraft.

DS doesn't really mind, but is often doing homework when they come round or wants to play other online games with his friends via Skype. I do have to say "would you mind hanging out with X for a couple of hours" but her mum just doesn't get the fact that to him he is being asked to play with his little sister's friend which teenage boys generally avoid and she gets miffed if he's doing something else.

lambethlil · 22/08/2012 06:22

Your daughter sounds great! That wasn't rude, but assertive. Good for her.

NameGames · 22/08/2012 07:05

Your friend WBU and rude to text your daughter.

But the way I read your OP, it sounds as though she comes round to help you out a fair amount and that help isn't reciprocated. If that's the case, from her perspective could it be that she just doesn't want her kids to have a bad time while she concentrates on someone else's family?

TroublesomeEx · 22/08/2012 07:15

Of course a 15 year old should be allowed out under these circumstances. She is no longer a 'child' in the sense that the others are.
Your friend has no right whatsoever in texting your daughter and issuing counter instructions. I agree it is inappropriate. I can't imagine how she thought it wasn't.
I would say that you/your daughter have handled this whole situation in a completely normal and appropriate way. Your friend has crossed a line.
If it was her expectation that she was coming round to help you and that your daughter would be there to entertain/watch hers, then she should have made that expectation clear, or at least asked politely.

gamerwidow · 22/08/2012 07:25

YANBU I can understand why your friend was disappointed that your DD wouldn't be there because her DD was probably looking forward to seeing her but she should have just accepted that your DD had other things planned.

Why couldn't she just bring a DVD for her DD to watch instead if she wouldn't want to play with the other children?

Groovee · 22/08/2012 07:32

I get annoyed with this too. My dd who is 12 is expected to want to play with children half her age and the tantrums out of friends children because they've turned up late and i've let dd go out with her friends.

No child should ever have to stay in to keep another child amused if there is a big age difference.

ratspeaker · 22/08/2012 07:36

Your DD wasn't being rude
A text saying f off ur no my mum would have been rude

sugarice · 22/08/2012 07:36

I would be annoyed that your friend thought it appropriate to text her basically telling her off, it's none of her business if your dd chooses to go out.

Mayisout · 22/08/2012 07:39

This came up recently amongst our family (adults now), my cousin was remembering how she hated babysitting playing with my sis (9 years younger) and sis remembered babysitting niece and nephew (7 years younger). But the young ones love having an older playmate, so the OP's friend's DD probably fussed at not having her older 'friend' to hang out with so gave OP's friend a hard time.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 07:43

I don't see a problem - just say the older one is out with friends- it is perfectly normal that she should be!

ilovesooty · 22/08/2012 09:18

Can't the 10 year old (shock, horror) read a book or something?

Your daughter wasn't rude: your friend was.

Original poster

msnaughty · 22/08/2012 13:10

i think maybe i should have been clearer. it was the 10 year old texting my 15 year old but it was the mum (my friend) telling thr 10 year old what to say. then my friend rang me saying my 15 year od was being nasty to her 10 year old because my daughter had said 'im allowed out you know' and sometimes the mum was texting my daughter from her daughters phone. so we did not always know who was doing the texting. hope that makes sence.

i dont mind that she was asked to come home to keep the ten year old company. and ig my daughter said ok thats fine. but by the same token she does not have to come home if she does not want to.

i might be wrong but have the feeling my friend was saying its wrong for a 15 year old to talk to a 10 year old that way. but if the mum was telling the 10 year old what to say. is that not the mum doing thr talking really. sorry hope that makes sence

OP posts:

Onthebottomwithawomansweekly · 22/08/2012 13:17

I wonder if your friend has a sense that she is being cheeky and is trying to move the focus onto the tone of your DD's text to her DD?

I'd play the same game and say that your DD thought the text was from the mum and responded accordingly.

She's a cheeky mare!

I've a mate who is always checking if my 15 yo is coming with me when I visit during the day (she has a 7 yo, a 5yo, and a 2yo). I think she expects my DD to be a babysitter (wouldn't mind she doesn't work and has a nanny!)

It's got to the stage that I tell DD to make other plans every time I go...

sugarice · 22/08/2012 13:19

Whoever was texting it's still none of their business what your dd chooses to do and doesn't need to answer to them either. Cheeky so and so's.

ChaoticismyLife · 22/08/2012 13:35

Next time tell your friend that your dd charges £10ph for childcare.

Original poster

msnaughty · 22/08/2012 15:57

lol, yes i think thats the case. as a baby sitter type thing. as i said my friend comes round and helps me with all sorts of things like painting. and i really am greatful as it helps me out alot, she is better at it than me. but she comes also because she is bored and she really likes doing that sort of thing. I'm a really easy going person. i hardly ever say no to something so i think when i kind of did about my dd being here. i think it may have thrown her a bit.

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 22/08/2012 16:15

Your frind was in the wrong for texting your daughter. It is not up to her to decide what your child does

MummytoKatie · 22/08/2012 18:16

I think your friend is trying to have it both ways.

If her 10 year old is mature enough to be all buddy buddy with the teenagers then she needs to accept that if you send a stroppy text to one of your teenaged friends you will get a stroppy one back. If she isn't and your daughter should be nice to her "cos she's only 10" then that is fine but she can't expect your dd to be in when she comes round and it is totally inappropriate for her 10 year old to text your dd.

If she is only willing to come round and help you out if your dd is there to discuss the relative merits of spit and swallow-- have sophisticated teen chats with her then she needs to make that clear and you can decide whether the level of help you get is worth the level of bribery required.

InkyBinky · 22/08/2012 18:49

YANBU and your DD is NBU. She should go out with her pals if she wants.

Flip

1 2